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Originally Posted By: bringmeredwine
Okay, I get it now!
I just wanted to say that when my ex husband died last June, I was devastated.
He died very young and unexpectedly.
I still loved him so much, even though I had ended our 23 year marriage 4 years previously.
I always thought he'd still be in my life, as a friend who knew me better than any body, and as the father of our 2 grown children.
Upon his death, I was not WELCOME at his funeral by HIS family, even though I paid for it and made all the arrangements.
It was such an awful, awkward situation.
If it wasn't for all the loving support from my dear friends, I would have ended up in the psyche hospital.
Unbeknownst to me at this time, he had left me all his benefits-the whole nine yards.
My darling children and his family went mental when they learned this, and made me feel worse than I already did.
I was hounded until I gave a substantial amount to both children.
I was so horribly shocked at their attitude toward me.
They absolutely destroyed me emotionally.
I no longer communicate with them and consider myself childless.
I know their father would have been appalled.
Has any one else ever experienced a situation like this?


I'm sorry, bringmeredwine. I just saw your post now. How horrible this must be for you. I suppose those people felt the way they did because you were divorced from him. But that is no excuse for their rotten behavior. A funeral is the place where all who loved the deceased should be welcomes. A divorce doesn't always mean the end of love. Your paying and arranging for the funeral is proof.

As for the children, they might have felt that their father simply forgot to update his will and would not have given his ex an inheritance. That might have been the case since he had children and it doesn't seem reasonable that he would have left them out of his will. You did the right thing by sharing the inheritance.

Your children should be ashamed however because divorced or not from their father, you are their mother. They should be glad you were taken care of.

It pains me to see how money frequently changes family relationships. I've seen it in my own family. Sad.


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I have been having some real sad moments this week. I enjoyed two weeks away visiting family and I wasn't sad at all, really. Maybe a minute or two here and there but for the most part I felt peaceful. Back home now in the place my boyfriend and I shared has brought the sadness back all over again. The tears have come down with some intensity.

I sometimes want to scream because I am tired of this pain....

I know he is in a good place, that I will see him again, and that our love never dies. I realize that and more, but I am human after all and I am missing him with every fiber of my being.

It does not help that I lost my job and I am worried about getting my bills paid. I don't have much left in my checking account....

I am afraid. Afraid of failing, losing my animals, and being alone through all of this. I feel so alone. I know there are friends and family I can talk to, and I know there is God above to help me. I know there are support systems out there and really I am not alone, but sometimes I just don't want to talk with anyone about any of this. And who really wants to hear about how "down" I am again??? I get tired of even bringing it up to people I know. So essentially I am alone here......

I can be strong and help others when the chips are down, but sometimes I just don't have the strength to help myself. Today I went back and forth between wanting to sleep my entire day away to escape, and feeling like I was going to climb out of my skin. I am tired of always having a hurdle to deal with that almost seems insurmountable. I sometimes feel paralyzed and I can't find a shred of ambition to get myself out of the dark hole.

Being without my boyfriend is very hard because when I have tough issues to deal with it is always nice to get that hug and voice of reason and love telling me that everything is going to work out. I miss having someone who's got my back and offers a gentle touch to soothe frazzled nerves. I miss his laughter and positive attitude that always brought me up out of a slump, because I am notorious for being a thinker, analyzer, and worrier. I miss wrapping my arms around him and feeling him close. His presence always seemed to melt away cold, harsh reality.


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I went for weeks unable to reply to any posts until your tech help recommended I use Google Chrome; so here I am again. My heart really went out to Debbie and her terrible loss. I am 51, so if my current partner of 5 years was to die; I wouldn't feel the need to start a new relationship. I would miss him terribly, but I know that a relationship with a man would come in last place. I think I'd sell my house and start a new life, but keep my few friends very close. You're young Debbie, and your loss cuts so much deeper because your life is really just beginning. I was on a grief chat line and the young women were clearly the most devastated. You can talk to me anytime, Sweetie. I know where you're coming from. If my ex husband had died in the early years of our marriage; I would have felt the loss so much harder.

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bringmeredwine........thank you for your kind words. I am not all that young though. I was first married at 22 and that marriage lasted two years. Then I remarried at 26 which turned into a 16 yr marriage (19 yrs total with this man). He broke my heart like no other ever will again. Right when the divorce was happening is when I met my sweet boyfriend.

My boyfriend passed away at age 49 in 2012. I am currently almost 46 years old. I still feel that I will fulfill my purpose in life by being with another kind soul to love. I thought my heart could not take another heartbreak, but I will try for one more deep love in my lifetime. I am in no hurry, but if it is meant to be some day I won't pass up the opportunity. I really miss the closeness and companionship of an intimate relationship.


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Hello - Losing someone close is so difficult and until you have experienced it, you have no real concept of the depth of grief.

I have just recently become editor here and am still finding my way around a little. I want to tell each of you I understand where you are coming from but I feel I should explain my circumstances a little so it doesn't sound like I am just saying the words (if that makes sense).

My husband of 24 years passed away just over 6 years ago. He had a very short fight with leukemia including 4 lots of chemo and a bone marrow transplant but sadly lost his battle and the life support machines were turned off 5 months after diagnosis. Six months later I lost my mother.

There was a very long time when I wondered if I would ever get past this over whelming grief but gradually I realised that I was a little less sad and debilitated than yesterday, or last week or even last month.

Debbie, you said it is just a year since you lost your boyfriend. I understand that everyone grieves in different ways and times but that is such a short time. Give yourself time, it sounds like so much is happening in your life at once. I know it is very difficult with so much going on but try to take some time. Don't expect too much of yourself, take small steps and acknowledge every single one.

I so understand the missing of the closeness and companionship. Let yourself feel the sadness in those sad moments but perhaps take a small block of each day and choose to be happy. That sounds a little flippant perhaps, or even silly but it really does work and gradually, bit by bit, those moments become less forced and longer. One of the things I did was to scrapbook about our lives together. Of course there were many tears but through those tears there were also many smiles and lots of wonderful memories.

Maria - I am sorry for the loss of your mother. Losing one's parent is so hard and the end of an era. With time the feelings soften but remembering the fun times and the good memories is the best way to honor her memory.

Bringmeredwine - I can only imagine what you are going through, and I am so sorry. It is so sad that families are often the biggest problem when you need support. I am so pleased to hear you had supportive friends. Always remember that you were able to honor him by arranging everything how he would have wanted and that he obviously still acknowledged you in his life. Its sad your children and his family can see that you were still important to him depsite everything.

Its interesting some of you talk about perhaps finding a new partner. I am there right now - not sure if I want to but tired of being alone. I have spent the last couple of years in particular, finding the new version of me and am pretty content.


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Hi Shirley,

I am very sorry for the loss of your loved ones. You are right...unless you experience the loss of someone you deeply loved you don't have a real concept of the depth of pain and grief that is to follow.

This month is a year and a half since my boyfriend left the physical world. Sometimes it seems like not much time has passed at all, and sometimes it feels like forever since he stood here laughing with me. Soon after he passed away I went online and researched grief from many sources. I ordered and read books too. I learned how to grieve and I needed that badly. I was thrown off balance and I knew I could not do this alone. I was too young to suffer a loss such as this, so I thought.

I did learn to be good to myself and allow myself all the time I need to grieve. I do let myself feel the pain when it comes, but it is not as often as it used to be. I have been trying to move myself forward by getting back to interests I once had. I want to be strong and at peace so that I can welcome a new love some day. As hurt as I have been, I know I am the happiest when I am with an intimate partner. I will persue that avenue in due time. I feel like I am turning a corner and wanting to be out in the world again, so to speak.

The last 5 years for me has been one thing after another. Job losses, divorce from a man I considered to be my soulmate, financial ruin, almost losing my horses to a maniac I paid to care for them and who held them hostage, and losing my boyfriend after having him in my life for only two short years. Only 8 months into our relationship he had his first heart attack. Nothing was ever the same after that even though we loved each other. During most of our time together he was not well.

I sometimes feel that I can barely get through one traumatic event when another one comes to pass. I have been worn down and worn out by life. Right now I am not working but I do have unemployment pay which is alleviating some stress right now even if it is not much money. I am taking time for myself to not only look for work but to really care for myself. I am trying to get the strong woman back I used to be years ago, before my heart was broken into a million pieces more than once.

I have a journal I dedicate just to my boyfriend. It has helped me immensely. I have filled one journal and went on to a second. I talk with him there and remember things. It has been one way to connect with him and to deal with all the feelings that come with such a loss.

I am feeling better with time. I feel that I still have a ways to go and I don't believe in rushing my grief along. It is running its course which is very important. I understand it and accept it for what it is. So many people hide from their pain, but I educated myself early on in this process, and I know that in order to properly heal and move on you just have to go through it. There is no other way.

I still take life one day at a time, and I am making every effort to find moments of happiness along the way. My emotions and feelings went flat last year, and I am just now starting to engage myself so that I can begin to feel things again. I am a work in progress but I am determined to be able to feel joy again. Like my sweetheart would say....baby steps.....


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I am so grateful for this forum! So its been 6 years, eh Shirley. Hard to believe that time keeps marching on. You're doing a really good thing by reaching out to people like me and its so appreciated. My former husband died a year ago on June 17th. As the anniversary approaches I think of him more and more. I have a wonderful man in my life, but dare not mention my grief to him very often. He gets the impression I wasn't "over" my husband-but I was. It's just that we were still connected in so many ways, and we'd reached the point where we were comfortable and able to joke around again. Anyway, I am very lucky to still have a wonderful partner in my life, but I still miss my ex so much. Keep on posting, you too Debbie. I really enjoy hearing from the two of you.

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Thank you, bringmeredwine. I will of course keep in touch.

You are lucky to have a new love in your life. There truly is nothing like it when you have a devoted partner. As for your ex-husband, it is obvious that you still cared about him very much even though you two were living separate lives. He will always have a special place in your heart, a place just for him. And your current partner will have a special place within you that only he occupies. It is amazing that as human beings we have a great capacity for love.


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Hi again, Debbie, Yes, I am so lucky to be in another close relationship. I met Him online, he lived 3 blocks away! People were scandalized because we became a couple very shortly after my husband and I broke up. I was only looking for some excitement in my life-definitely NOT a serious relationship. It's been 5 years now, but I don't want to get married again; I'm content to live in sin! It makes me feel young again.

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Bringmeredwiine - I agree you are lucky to have someone special in your life. It is only now that I am beginning to feel ready for this to happen but at this point I think I am more interested in someone to do things with - movies, dinner etc - than to find a new love. I guess only time will tell.

Debbie - you are so right - baby steps. It took me a long time to realise that the only schedule I should be on was my own. This is part of the reason I wanted to do this - to help other people realise there is no right or wrong way to grieve and no time that is the 'correct' time for anything.

Writing has really helped me as well - I am actually writing a book about my journey from when my husband was diagnosed with leukemia. It has helped so much to put it all into words and my hope is one day to get it published and maybe help someone else.

My apologies by the way for my absence - life just gets in the way sometimes smile


Shirley McGillivray
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