BellaOnline Forums Relationships Bereavement Going on Year Two - Loss of Intimate Partner

I lost my boyfriend over a year ago now and it is still very hard. I know if I met someone new who was loving I could move on and be happy again, but sometimes the sadness is still so strong that I think I am just not ready yet, even if I was so lucky to have the opportunity present itself. I believe that everything happens as it should, and grieving is personal and unique to each person, but at this time it is still very tough to be without the kind and gentle soul that was my boyfriend. I miss him so much every single day.

Sometimes, I wonder how my heart can keep on beating after suffering the damage and the pain of loss...

I am sorry that you feel loss and pain. No one knows true pain until she has gone through loss.

I hear hope in your words, though, Debbie. Your boyfriend will help you move on from the other side. He wants you to be happy again. I feel that.

But be gentle and patient with yourself. A year is not a long time.

Thank you, Lori.

I try to be gentle and patient with myself, but there are times when I feel like I will go crazy because I am so lonely. Sure I have pets, family, friends, co-workers, interests, and of course God, but I am in need of physical touch from a partner. My boyfriend awakened me to the importance of touch that I had been missing in my prior marriage. He and I were very tactile out of necessity, because he had pain in his neck and back on a daily basis. He enjoyed my massages and often gave them right back to me. Then of course there is intimate touch and gestures of affection between couples. I so miss all of that. He truly made me happy every day. Since he passed on my emotions went flat. I hardly feel anything except love for him and missing him.

I do have hope. I thought I would never want to love again because of the pain I have suffered time and time again, but I have changed my mind. I have asked God for help, and I've also asked my boyfriend to please find me another kind soul to love. This new man will never replace my very sweet and unique boyfriend, but I am confident that there is another man out there who is gentle and giving, and in need of a loving partner. I know for a fact that my boyfriend is indeed looking out for me and has someone else in mind for me. He has been "interviewing" other men, so to speak. I went to a clairvoyant/medium recently and my boyfriend came through strongly in the session and revealed this information (I will write about this experience soon on my forum).

I am excited and hopeful, even with the grief I am still working through. But I am hesitant even though I want to love and be loved again. I look at guys sometimes, sense their energy, and I am afraid. I don't know why. Afraid to get to know them, and afraid to get hurt again maybe. This is the most strenuous and emotional period of my life, a time of immense personal growth and understanding while dealing with a very painful event. It is not easy, but I hope something better will come out on the other side of this.

I know my boyfriend wants me to be happy. He wanted that for me while he was alive in the physical realm, and I know he still feels the same.

Debbie,

I agree with you saying that everyone grieves differently. I lost my mother over 6 years ago and I don't feel any better today than I did back then. Time just makes it easier to deal with for me. I am hopeful for myself because of the hope that you have.

Maria.....I am sorry for the loss of your mother.

My mother is still alive and I don't know how I will ever get through losing her when the time comes. We are very close. God only knows....

We all do grieve in our own way and in our own time. I have been told by a few people that I need to move on and let my boyfriend go. These people may mean well, but truly they are ignorant. It is MY grief, and MY processing of that grief. It is something I own, and I need to deal with it in ways that help me to heal. I have a right to my grief and whatever time it takes me to get through the pain of losing a man I dearly loved. Nobody has a right to tell me how to deal with any of this.

I don't think we ever do really "move on" from losing someone we deeply love. We only find ways to "go on". That is truly all any of us can do. I have lost my father, grandparents, an aunt, and an uncle. For some of these losses I was very sad at the time, but I got through it and I don't hurt anymore. This loss of my boyfriend has been the most devastating to me because he knew me in very personal ways and I will always miss him for the wonderful man he was, no matter who else may come into my future. I know this loss will be felt for the rest of my life, even if I find happiness with another man. Each human being is special, and my boyfriend made an impact on me that will be felt forever.

Maria.....I hope some day you can feel some peace in regards to your loss. I know that life goes on for the spirit after the physical body perishes. Our loved ones still maintain a connection with us, and I am sure your mother is close to you even if you don't realize it. I believe she is very happy and surrounded by light and love. She certainly feels all the love you have for her.

Thank you for sharing.

Dear Debbie, Life can be so unfair and I understand that you're still grieving. It's only normal. I am still very angry and sad over the unexpected death of my ex husband last June. I'll never "get over it". I recommend that you really appreciate the ones you love who are still here, that's what I do. It has really helped me!

Okay, I get it now! I just wanted to say that when my ex husband died last June, I was devastated. He died very young and unexpectedly. I still loved him so much, even though I had ended our 23 year marriage 4 years previously. I always thought he'd still be in my life, as a friend who knew me better than any body, and as the father of our 2 grown children. Upon his death, I was not WELCOME at his funeral by HIS family, even though I paid for it and made all the arrangements. It was such an awful, awkward situation. If it wasn't for all the loving support from my dear friends, I would have ended up in the psyche hospital. Unbeknownst to me at this time, he had left me all his benefits-the whole nine yards. My darling children and his family went mental when they learned this, and made me feel worse than I already did. I was hounded until I gave a substantial amount to both children. I was so horribly shocked at their attitude toward me. They absolutely destroyed me emotionally. I no longer communicate with them and consider myself childless. I know their father would have been appalled. Has any one else ever experienced a situation like this?

Bringmeredwine -- no wonder you call yourself Bring Me Red Wine! :-) It's terrible how money affects families, how greed and pain can tear us apart.

I'm sorry I haven't experienced this situation. I was drawn to this thread by Debbie, because I facilitate support groups for people coping with loss. I think support groups are the best way to get support and understanding from people who have experienced the same things. Of course, I know it's not easy to find a support group that focuses on grief or family breakups -- which is why online forums are so helpful!

I just wanted to say my heart goes out to you, and I'm sorry for your losses.

Laurie-Thank you for acknowledging my post. Here is my quandary; there are no support groups for people who have separated themselves from their (adult) children. Society demands that we never give up on our children, or admit that we regret having them. I've read recent articles from a woman in England who published her regrets about having her 2 young children, but they were innocent little beings, not grown-ups who'd purposefully hurt her. I used to love my children with all my heart and would take a bullet for them; happily did anything to keep them safe, happy and healthy. This grief over their loss is all encompassing, but less painful than having them in my life again.

bringmeredwine and Laurie.....thank you for your condolences. It has been a hard road but with every day I am healing. And yes, it is hard to find support groups. Even the churches have groups, but they are for widows and widowers. My boyfriend and I obviously were not married.

bringmeredwine.....I am truly sorry for your loss. It matters not that you were no longer married to the man. You still loved him. My mother went through a bit of the same thing when my mentally ill father passed away years ago. My mother had to divorce him for her own safety, but when it was time for the funeral, some of his family was not entirely happy that my mother was there for us kids. We were all young adults but we wanted our mother there for support, and thankfully it was our decision to make, being the next of kin.

I do know that families can be greedy and cruel. I also know of more than one woman who has been hurt by her children, and the women pretty much regret having had them at all. I am sorry you were treated so poorly by your ex's family and also your own children. People allow money to make them mean.

I think you acted out of love and that is a beautiful thing. I hope you can find some peace and joy in your life.