BellaOnline Forums Family Daughters Emotionally Abusive Mothers

I am having the same problem with my mother. She is always blaming me for things that are not really my fault. For example, she has no friends and are not getting along well with her neighbours and she claimed it was caused by me arguing with her all the time. However, she is the one who started the argument and was shouting most of the time. She is also very manipulative, most of the time she got my father to do the dirty job for her. My father will most of the time agree to her demands as he needed to survive and he has to live with her 24/7 with no income on his own (he has retired and every single cent I gave to them will go to my mother). I gave them around 1k to spend every month and even paid for their car installment but that is still not enough for them. They are constantly demanding more and more from me and their latest request was to move in to my house to live with me and my husband. I plain refused to agree to that and of course both of them have been making me feel lousy and guilty for months. Today was the last straw however as I brought them out for lunch with my husband and they started screaming at me in a restaurant. We were basically everyone's free afternoon entertainment. Then my father raised his hand and did what he had not done to me ever since I turned eighteen - he splashed his glass of water on me and hit me on the head. If not because my husband was there to stop him, I think he would have murdered me. We had to let the security guards restrained there while we fled the scene. I am thinking of refusing any form of communication with them for a month. They have been threatening to come over to where I am living now to create trouble - I am not sure what I can do to protect myself. They are so horrible to put me in this constant fear everyday. I swear not to become this type of parents to my children in the future.

Since your parents raised you, and you are used to this type of parent/child interaction, the best way not to become the type of parent that you had is to educate yourself. You need to learn about what the developmental milestones are for children. Most importantly, you must make a conscious effort not to be like your parents.

Good for you, not being blackmailed into letting these people move in with you and your husband! It sounds like you feel some degree of responsibility to help them. I would suggest that you give them money by depositing it into their bank account or getting it to them in a way where you don't need to see them. Yes, they are your parents, but you don't need to take their abuse. Don't go out in public with them! Why should you spend your money to be abused?

When you say that you are thinking of "refusing any form of communication with them for a month," it sounds like you are trying to punish them. Trust me, this would not be punishment. They would feel vindicated, since you would be such a "bad daughter" to not talk to them for a month. Maybe you are looking for a break? Why not set up a way to funnel money to them, and get them out of your lives except for the money. Then, you know that you are helping them, but they can't abuse you. If they come over yelling and screaming, and you have indicated that you feel threatened by them, get a restraining order. Don't put up with their bad behavior. What would you do if somebody else was doing this to you? Would you call the police? Throwing things at you is assault. If security had to be called in the restaurant, it must have been bad. I doubt if anybody at the restaurant thought of this as "afternoon entertainment." They were probably intensely embarrassed, as well as irritated at having a nice meal destroyed by your parents' bad behavior.

Good luck to you. As somebody who has extricated myself from some emotionally abusive relationships, I wish you the best. You and your husband might consider counselling to build up a toolbox full of strategies for dealing with these people.

Hi worldangel,

I am glad you dropped by. I agree with Connie (Thanks for stopping by Connie)you and your family would need to handle your parents with extreme cause with authorities to make sure no further action or abuse takes place. I am sorry you have had to go through such a trying time in your life to move forward into relationship and then marriage. I commend you for not letting it affect your personal life. I further commend you because you were not only able to live through it but you make good attempts to take care of your parents as needed even when they don't appreciate it. I would like to say that no communication until counseling is made available would be helpful, the strain that it has caused you is to great. You look like you are a daughter that respects her parents know matter what. I encourage you to raise your child(ren) the opposite of the way you were raised. Thank you for stopping by and sharing. To be able to speak about it is only part of being able to move forward on it. Thank You

Thank you for your replies, they are both very insightful to me :) Yes, I want a break from this relationship as it is getting increasingly difficult to communicate with them. I am constantly fearful of what I would say to trigger their anger. Although I have been calling them every night, they have been refusing to talk to me for the past two weeks and kept hanging up on me. Still I persisted even though my husband asked me to stop calling as it is clear that they are not appreciative of my effort. I do want to remit the money to them but I do not have their bank account number and after this incident, I doubt they would give it to me. They are the suspicious type who would think I would want to make away with their money should I ask them for their bank account number.

Hi worldangel,

Send in the mail a money order paid to them, this will cut down on any further contact. The money order can be mailed with a return signature from them. In other words they would have to sign for it when the mailperson delivers it. Again, I commend you for all of your efforts.

I'm feeling very sad and alone today and the posts have helped me realize that I'm not alone. My parents emotionally and physically abused my sister and me and my mother continues to emotionally abuse us. Now that my sister and I have both moved away from where my mother lives we have begun to talk to each other (our parents managed to emotionally separate us so we wouldn't become allies against them). Her stories confirm what I thought had happened and that seems to make me sadder because I can't deny it any more. My parents always played favorites and now that there are grandchildren (who are grown), she continues. I moved away a long time ago and didn't have much contact with them which I now realize did protect my children. Now my mother has started giving things away (she's 89 but sharp as a tack) and has recently given my nephew the two things that I said I wanted most from her house. I'm crushed. I'm angry but more hurt. I don't want to talk to her ever again, not to punish her (well, maybe some) but more to protect me. She called me five times yesterday (angry at me each time she didn't reach me) so I suspect she knows that the cat is out of the bag. This came to my attention on Thursday but I'm already tired of being angry and hurt. What in the world do I do now? Thanks for any help anybody can give.

Hi ilse49,

I am sorry that you have been feeling sad and alone. You have been through a great deal and you are able to talk about it, that says a lot. Being hurt and angrey only hurts you and that's not fair to you. Your mother is at the age that change is almost impossible. Continue to be the person that you are minus the hurt. I would encourage you to seek counseling, their are free organizations that will listen to your concerns and issues and help you get to a better area. You and your sister have come a long way and I want to make sure you continue down this path. Your mother may be at a time in her life that makes her continue to be the person that she is. I encourage you to continue to communicate once a week with a positive hello, hope you are fine, end of conversation. Please continue to stop by and give me your update on how things are working for you. Thanks for sharing and hang in there! As long as this site is here you are not alone, drop in anytime.

I found reading the posts in this thread helpful. I feel somewhat guilty or remorseful because it seems like schadenfreude finding a small comfort that we are not alone in what we experience, seeing that some people have overcome these matters instills some hope though, thanks for those who have the courage to share details about your suffering.

Hi Tyc,

It sounds like you have story to tell of your own. Always know that you are not alone in any situation as long as the daughter site exist. In this forum you will find daughters that have gone through just about anything. And as you see this is an area that you have the ability to feel free and share your stories so that others can share how they have worked through it. Please feel free to post a question or story with other daughters. Your story or situation can better assist someone else in their situation. This is a warm and friendly area and we welcome all daughters and parents to participate! Thanks for sharing!

I have a problem with my parents being emotionally abusive but unfortunately I cannot simply "cut ties" with my mother and father. They constantly berade me for the tiniest things, destroy my self-confidence, and make me feel self-concious. They have no regard for my boundries or my feelings. They have yelled at me, sworn at me (my mother called me a [censored]), called me manipulative (among ither nasty things) and always make me feel horrible about myself. On top of this, they claim to be "Christians" and want me not only to blindly cater to their religion, but accept that all their abuse is because "God" tells them to raise up their child in the way she should go...and that children must honor their parents no matter what. They have a lot of opinions that I don't agree with (but of course I can't say that), and they make fun of anyone who does not share these views. Please help!