BellaOnline Forums Relationships Domestic Violence How Did You Meet Your Abuser?

It's often difficult to understand just how we can end up in an abusive relationship. It can be a physical, verbal or emotionally abusive union.

What many people don't understand is that they weren't always like that in the beginning and it's that image of what they pretended to be that keeps a person hoping they'll go back someday to what they once were.

Thing is, they never were that person you're hoping they'll return to being.

How did you meet your abuser? Did they pursue you relentlessly? Were you maybe not at your strongest leaving yet another relationship that also wasn't good for you? Share your story.

It's extremely hard for me to call him an abuser as I often find myself counting the number of incidents that have occurred during the course of our relationship. He's lightly slapped me twice but it didn't hurt nite did it leave a bruise. He's choked me twice but maybe it was because he was drinking. He threatens me but it's because he loves me and he doesn't want to leave me.These are the things that I often tell myself.When I met him he wanted to be in a committed relationship very fast and told me how he couldn't live without me. I've never been in an abusive or dysfunctional relationship, but he has admitted to being in one in the past but has received help. Also he works for an agency that helps women escape abusive relationships which was very strange to me.However, I feel like I love him and I don't know if I'm ready to leave :-(.

I believe it's very difficult for a person to come to terms with being abused. Primarily, I feel it has to do with the "capture" or image associated with the feelings that let them in, in the first place, love, desire, passion, thrill, etc. and there's usually something in there that makes you feel sorry for them too. They were a victim of this or that...

For me, I met my first dysfunctional partner through a friend. I wasn't interested in a relationship at the time. He was patient and determined. His words, "Well, since I can't live without you, I'll settle for being your best friend for the rest of your life."

My parents realy liked him, though I had reservations. He proposed twice over 3 years and shared intimate details of being a victim as a small child. I felt I could help.

One night while babysitting for a friend, myself and the two girls I was watching fell asleep while watching a movie. I had a girl in each arm. He choked me because we fell asleep in the bed.

He had never done anything like that before, but from that point on it opened the door to further abuse.

I had an attorney tell me because I had no witnesses and didn't keep photos, "I've seen worse cases of abuse." I said, so have I but that doesn't make this any less of a case in itself. I just wanted him to get counseling.

I don't understand all this choking. Hands around your throat, throttling? Using objects to strangle with? It never occurred to me that non murderers would actually choke someone. I thought abusers did more hitting.

nope, they choke. that was my abusers MO. he'd force his forearm across my windpipe until i lost consciousness, left no marks. most abuser know better than to leave marks, especially the serial abusers (like mine).

Choking was my husband's favourite - as you say 'bruisednotbroken' it never left marks. He didn't use the forearm technique though, and was all hands...he would get me onto the bed so that my head was just over the edge, kneel on my body and strangle away. Over 10 years I got so used to the warning signs that I started taking off my glasses first in case things went further (glasses are expensive to replace!) Though, he also liked punching (very hard) the sides of my head (can't see under hair), and twisting my nipples to the point of nausea (again, not obvious to anyone other than him). To answer the original question - and I KNOW what you're all thinking...I met him online in a chat room, though we lived in different countries and talked on the phone/online for over a year before meeting in person. The signs were there from the begining but I put it down to 'cultural differences.' Silly girl.

Wow. I really had no idea about this kind of stuff happening.

Would taking self defense classes help? Would having the power to fight off and take out your abuser help?

Jilly, I'm really glad that you weren't aware of this, no one should have to be! To be honest, before I got married I thought stuff this severe only happened in movies. When I was younger I'd watched 'Enough' with Jennifer Lopez and thought it seemed crazy that anyone could be in a situation like that...little did I know then! A few people have suggested self defense classes to me, at this point just to let off some of the built up pain and aggression I'd stored over the years...I'm quite lazy unfortunately but it's probably EXACTLY what I need! I think all women should consider learning it, even if just to build confidence. Though sadly, in situations of domestic violence, you can be beaten black and blue and either you're too frozen to defend yourself or have just given up over time. Sometimes, and I know this sounds mad, you don't want to hurt him...we are truly complex creatures!

I think self-defense classes are better for those who have been abused to get more in touch with their own bodies and develop self-confidence, but not for stopping their abusers while they are actively in a relationship with them.

Abusers live to dominate - that is what they understand. Take him out, and he will wake up and you are going to be #1 on his hunt down and teach a lesson list. If you mean taking classes and staying in the bad relationship, not so much a good idea. Plus, there is the i-don't-want-to-fight thing Cerulean mentioned above.

Some abusers understand that terminating the relationship means they can't play their games, or that they need to learn a better way of relating. Some don't care, and only understand dominating.

So, self-defense classes might help when leaving an abuser and they are escalated and may come after you, but it will do nothing while in the relationship and there are no changes.

and yes, they are great for relieving built up anger and aggression in a safe environment.

CD, I guess 'complicated' is the right way to look at it. It seems insane to put up with that kind of awful behavior, but i am sure it's so involved and complex that when you are in the experience it isn't so simple.

Lisa, that is really scary about the escalating from fighting back. The police are no help?

What if you accidently kill your abuser while fighting back? I am not sure what I am suggesting here. But if that did happen, do these cases fall under self defense?