BellaOnline Forums Relationships Domestic Violence My story

[color:#6666CC]I've been with this man for 3 years. 3 months into our relationship, he got arrested for domestic abuse and charges of kidnapping. I stayed with him during that whole ordeal, and he had me convinced that his ex wife was just crazy, was over exaggerating things. Not only was he convincing me of that, but the cops took 5 months to arrest him and they had no pictures or anything of any marks. It was about that point though, that he started to become aggressive with me. First, it was verbal and emotional abuse. He was convinced that I would cheat on him, would call me names, stare me down, etc etc. Then from there it slowly progressed to physical. Getting pushed, being kicked, violently shaking my head. I'd justify it with stupid excuses (He's under a lot of stress, he's depressed, he's drunk), and always the next day he was sorry and would treat me like a queen. Our record time for not having an explosive fight was 22 days. So last Monday, he was upset that I didn't laugh at his joke hard enough. He would escalate, then I would (semi) calm him down, then something else would escalate him, over and over. My roommate thought he heard things being thrown around, so he came upstairs. Well, it pretty much exploded after that. My roommate yelled at me to get out, so I hid in the bedroom. While I was in there, my bf was screaming at the top of his lungs "Where's my b****?! Where's the C***!" There was absolutely no calming him down. After about an hour of this and several different exchanges, my roommate told me to go get in his car, and he drove me down to the police station. I've kept the no contact order in place. And my bf is now a good 2 hrs drive away from me. But now I'm just here. It so hard for me to eat, I cant sleep in our bed. I'm feeling so confused and lost. One moment I hate him, and the next I'm crying cause I miss him. :( I dont know what I'm looking for in posting this. Just someone to talk to I guess ... to tell my story, to stop being ashamed that I stuck around for this, for being ashamed that theres a part of me that wants him back.[/color]

You have done the right thing by going to the police and getting a restraining order. Please for your sake do not contact your boyfriend again. Do not even consider him your boyfriend anymore. It is hard to deal with this concept because he may have been nice to you once, and you miss that, but understand that he is a sick man that needs help. The relationship you were in was dangerous and abusive.

Perhaps counseling would help you deal with your conflicting emotions right now and help you to move on. Your primary care doctor should be able to recommend someone, or perhaps social services in your community. You have to let this man go, and you have to start taking better care of yourself.

Love yourself first. Protect yourself and stand up for yourself. Don't let anyone treat you badly. You deserve better.

When you're in an abusive or on the end of any doubtful/trying, relationship, what that relationship calls the most attention to, usually, is your higher strength.

What I mean by that is usually what your higher strength may be, be it, caring, loving, healing, forgiving etc. those energies are being tapped by someone lacking those same strengths.

But, though you're pure/gifted in these areas and prompted/ compelled to share those gifts, it can be taken for granted, drained, even resented by an opposing energy.

Often, individuals who tend to offer up their Higher-self to aid another, because their intentions are pure overall, can end up playing a part in a repetitive cycle they had nothing to do with. It's something from the person they are trying to help, past.

So instead of spreading their natural gift overall, to something that would actually do a great deal of good, they end up staying, trying at the expense of their own being, to undo something, again, they had nothing to do with.

The freedom to let go lies somewhere in their own ability to witness/sense their self-worth.

I know it's easier said than done, because a healing entity often would gladly give of themselves, for an outcome that can only be achieved by the gatekeeper (will) of the person they are tyring to help.

You're beginning to feel that hint of your own Self-being

Thank you both Cassie and Elleise. What you both said has hit home. I have started seeing a therapist, and even though I've only had one appointment so far, I found it very helpful. Cassie, the last line that you wrote, "Love yourself first. Protect yourself and stand up for yourself. Don't let anyone treat you badly. You deserve better." has been replying through my mind all night. I like it and might take it up as my mantra. :) Elleise, I can completely see what you're saying. Instead of sharing my love and good nature with my friends/family/the world, I was giving it all to him, but receiving nothing in return. Its very draining. This last week has been tough, but has been good. Every day I feel that I get a little strong, that I hold my head a little higher. Its funny, because every time I start to think I miss him and want him back, I hear about something either him or his family has said and it just royally pisses me off. He is not admitting to anything he's done, and if he cant even face the truth, there will never be change for him. At this point, I am just feeling sadness and pity for this man. Thank you guys for your support, it really means a lot!

So today, I changed the lease of our rental to my name. That was really hard. I just keep thinking that he's going to think that I screwed him over. I took the roof from his head. But on the other side, I need to take care of myself. He at least has family in this state, which is where he's currently residing because of my no-contact order. I just know that he's thinking after his trial on Jan 3rd, that he's going to be back here. This scares me, excites me, and so many other emotions. I just cant stop thinking about it.

I am glad my words offered some help to you, and I am pleased that you are getting counseling. Stick with it as long as you can.

You are going to have to stay focused on your healing and progress, because there will be setbacks that come up along the way. He will probably contact you at some point, or maybe even his family will contact you. You will have to be prepared for that and stay strong and true to what is right for you.

Changing the lease to your name is a good thing, but if he does not know you did this he may still consider that place his home. Have the locks been changed? Does he still have belongings there? You need to make the break as clean as you can, and that may include having to consider moving elsewhere when your lease is up. I hope he is not going to try to hang around and harrass you, but if he does you have the protective order in place and you will need to contact the police immediately.

Discuss your feelings about his court date with your counselor, and how best to deal with the fact that you still care about him. There also has to be a right way to let him know that you are done with him, without jeopardizing your restraining order. Ask your counselor about this, or the local authorities. This guy needs to know that you are done with him, unless you have already personally told him so.

Don't waiver or weaken. If there is any time where you have to stick to your guns, so to speak, this is it. Don't let him manipulate you into taking him back into your life. No guy is worth being abused over, and that is exactly what you can look forward to if you take him back. Often times when women return to situations like this it only gets worse, and sometimes even fatal. I would hate to see that happen to you. Don't take your life for granted.

Please keep us posted here.

So, I'm going to vent. I honestly feel like I am done with him now. I have to find a way to contact him and let him know (which, I will take your advice Cassie, and speak to my therapist about it). I have found out that his mom is thinking and telling his family that I have raped him. !!!!! Seriously??!!! His brothers dont believe it, but just the fact that his mom does ... I would never be comfortable in that family ever again. Another thing I found out, there is a good chance that he cheated on me. I dont know for sure, and I usually only like to talk about facts, but here's the facts of that situation: His ex-wife saw him driving MY car (on two separate occasions) with the same woman he's previously had adulterous relations with. I'm so FRUSTRATED!! Last night he posted on facebook "I feel I have found direction for myself, but will my destination still be there?", which I feel that he posted to get to me. And it did, a little bit. But I keep telling myself these things: 1-He's lying about what he's done, so he will never change 2-I will never be comfortable with his family again 3-No matter what he says, he'll never convince me that he didn't cheat on me.

I know you are emotionally spinning right now so there is a lot for you to process and manage. Being on the outside of your situation makes me see things more clearly based on the facts you have told us here. So if I seem cold about a particular thing it is only because it is blatantly obvious to me, and all I want for you is to be happy, at peace, and safe.

First of all, if you are done with this man, which I hope to God that you are, you need to break off all communication for your own healing. And you really do need to heal from the ordeal you have been through. With that said, remove him from your friends list on your facebook page and do not look at his page anymore. Why do you need to?

He is not a caring human being but a very sick person with a very twisted sense of reality. The best thing you can do for him and for yourself especially, is to stay away from him. Knowing he has cheated on you may be hurtful for the moment, but in the long run it does not matter anymore, and you need to let that go and move on. Whomever this other woman is that he is involved with is going to be the object of his abuse sooner or later. Don't kid yourself. Men like this do not change, and if they do it is only after months and months, if not YEARS, of therapy and perhaps even medication to control his anger.

You are missing out on NOTHING being away from this man. What you gain is your OWN LIFE back.

As far as your frustration, express this to your counselor so that you can manage it and let it go. Who cares what he is doing now, what he is saying online, what he tells his family, and what his family thinks of all of this? You should have NO contact with ANY of them. Cut the ties with anything having to do with that old life and focus on yourself for a change. You don't need the "he said" and "she said" from any of them. Be done with this man and his family, completely. None of them are going to do you any bit of good.

You never said if your door locks have been changed at home, but that would be a good idea, as well as change your phone number and perhaps even your email address as well. You don't need to have any means of communication open to anyone in that family, especially him.

This is a very serious situation that you need to manage now. Treat it as such, and address any and all concerns you have with your counselor. I wish you all the best.

It's good news that you've changed the lease --> That's a step, a very GOOD one in the right direction!

You are intuned, which is something many women in these situations don't always posess and really it's not a defficientcy but that a record is playing so loudly in their Soul, they can't feel anything else but the repetition of the side that's playing and usually it is something from their past, like childhood.

If you can find that side or record for that matter, smash it across your knee if at all possible. Oddly, there's a feeling of being almost lost without that pain grounding a person...so many different arenas open up in its place

I know how frustrating it can be weighing the Dr. Jeckyll's and Mr. Hydes, side by side when you are aware of what's going on and trying to do better by your-self's worth...gosh is that draining. You actually begin feeling yout world is backwards, inside out and upside down. That's because you're beinning to re-program and THAT's so much easier said than done.

However, trust your "Touching Stone" your higher-self, your Soul...that's the untainted part of you that came here to begin with on your Soul's mission, BEFORE you got caught on a 'rotary' of good intention, an S.O.S (helping someone, but with less than little in return) not expecting anything in return.

They ALWAYS come back! The abuser. Their own personal comfort is unleashing their own pain onto someone else. AND...AND there are very few people they've encountered that have it in them to be their punching bag (figurative or litteral)in the long- run.

It isn't love that's bringing them back, but they will try their best to make you feel like they can't live without you. What is MORE descriptive of what they are feeling is a bit like a 3 year old feeling neglected or punished, rather, for having their WOOBIE taken away from them!

That doesn't mean they love you and that doesn't mean you won't feel badly, say at your expense, they "find their way" with someone or something (religion, counceling, remourse through FACEBOOK, etc.) they're just bandaids, props, items available to get what their inner-child/inner-brat wants.

As far as contacting him...?

No need. Truth-eyes! He'll contact you...and likely at a point where the heart is grieving and embracing the high-points, the part where they are mending the bridge from the episode before, that makes you feel worthy, like a queen, appreciated, to the point where someone is crying at the thought of being without you.

That really is the hard part! The withrawal from the drug that made the 'record' whatever it may be, more manageable.

Hang in there and trust something somewhere knew what they were doing when they cared and loved you enough to bring you into this world ((hugs and strength))

Thank you both so much for all of your support and encouraging words. I didn't expect to receive any of that. :) Yesterday, my roommate and changed the last bill out of my ex's name. That means the place is 100% mine. Yay! Each day, as hard as it is, I'm getting stronger and more sound in my head. I know I have a little bit of a journey ahead of me to regain all that I've lost and set my thinking straight, but I look forward to the end result. Heck, I even look forward to the journey. Elleise, its funny that you compaired abusers to a toddler throwing a temper tantrum. I dont know how many times in the past I've told him that because that is EXACTLY how he acts. I'm currently reading a book called Why Does He Do That?: Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. I am finding this so EYE OPENING!! Has anyone else read it?