BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Ive got the CFC blues.....

Eileen.....I agree with Burt and Sam.

As far as how I commented to "I think it can be hard for people who simply don't have the responsibility of looking after children to realize that once you have them, your choices are limited"......I was just saying that we DO realize how limiting our time would be if we had kids, and as it turns out this is one of the big reasons why we chose not to have them. We have other responsibilities that are important to us, and we do enjoy visiting with friends when we have free time. Certainly it would be difficult with young children at home. It just seems a little sad that our friends with kids can't get away to enjoy some adult time without the kids.

It just sounded like you thought we had no clue about it, but I did not take that as being argumentative. We all are free to express our opinions here, so no worries

Sam: Thank you! In thier defense, no one did right off the bat specify that this was to be an adults only event: I stupidly(apparently) assumed it would be since a. It was planned to be at a fancier restaurant and b. Its a New Years Eve event. Which means a late night, alcohol, loud noise etc. I guess I need to get used to the fact that a lot of modern day parents choose not to follow typical protocol. My first clue should have been when they brought the kids (without asking) to my boyfriends most recent birthday party which was designed to be a big booze up. How stupid of me to think they would leave the kids with someone else for a couple hours. When will I ever learn? Eileen: You have a very valid point: it IS hard to find a sitter on a holiday! I think though Im more disgruntled at the fact that they never (holiday or no) attempt to find a sitter at all. They both have huge families in the area and plenty of friends: it just seems as though there could be more then ONE approved sitter. This makes me assume that maybe they arent that interested in joining us as often as I think they are. Meanwhile, she constantly complains that rarely gets out. The whole thing is very mysterious to me..... My boyfriend felt I was being too sensitive about the email message and maybe he is right. I hate to be the evil one, but frankly, if the kids are going to come, I dont know how interested I am in going. I spend a lot of time with them(since they come to everything) and on this night I want to ring in an ADULT New Year. I personally dont think thats too much to ask. And I really dont know why Im worrying: as I said before, they probably wont come at all. She will think up some excuse to not make it because it would include a long drive and an expensive dinner. My prediction is that she will try to convince everyone to just come to her house and cook there which has been her pattern thus far. SIGH. I may need to write these friends off......another one bites the dust.

That's a shame, dinahlove.

I know from my own experience (and I am a single parent with two, now thankfully adolescent, fairly independent kids)that you can get into a 'slippers under the table' mentality when you're bringing up children. It's a hard and sometimes thankless job. I've always been very sociable so when my ex-partner (the kids' dad)went back to his native Australia, when the children were v young - well actually I was pregnant with the younger one! - it was a big shock. We used to share work/care responsibilities and suddenly it was all down to me. I opened a children's shop, as I had a history of working in retail, and took the baby to work for the first year, and rushed back every night to get the elder one out of childcare. Bloody horrendous!!

Falliing in love, getting pregnant, vowing to stay together forever, can all be very romantic, though scary. Some years down the line, and left alone holding the babies, reality strikes. Basically I became a virtual recluse, between work and childcare, I was exhausted. No longer asked out to dinner parties (all my friends were in couples, and I had the kids to trail along behind me) - I couldn't afford a babysitter, and didn't know anyone anyway! So I know what a desperate situation you can find yourself in, and I sometimes think the childless and the parents of this world look out at each other across a great void they simply can't scale.

'Well you had them, so get on with it' can be an insensitive attitude that doesn't take account of individual circumstances, and the vagaries of time, and life changes.

We're all trying our best right?

Your friend has got stuck in a rut it seems to me, dinah. If she has lots of babysitting opportunities, then maybe she's just a teensy bit dull???? Hate to say it.

Pity I didn't have a friend like you when my kids were younger, and I don't blame you for wanting a child-free New Year's Eve. Isn't the idea that you celebrate till past midnight? Not a suitable time for kids, surely

Oh Eileen, I think youre awesome! Teensy bit dull had me laughing! I think youre right! Larger issues are at work here.... Despite my internal crabbiness, Im sure that eventually I will be the bigger person and just join in the fun, kids or no kids. But I think I will need to think hard about how much effort Im willing to put into this friendship when I dont appear to be getting any effort back. No one says friendships are easy I guess! Thanks for your post!

Aww, thanks lovey, I appreciate the thumbs up!!

Funny what you say about friendships not being easy. I seem to have lost lots of my friends along the way. One of them told me that having children would lose me my friends - which I thought was ridiculous - and at the time I was all puffed up and pregnant and desperately in love.

Desperate is right!!

Dear me - the tall, handsome Aussie bounced off back to his home town (couldn't have got further away!)like a boomerang, leaving me in a bit of a pickle.

You just get on with it. And at least the kids are real lookers!!

Thank God for virtual friendship, though eh??

Eileen: Indeed! Finding like-minded folks online has been a saving grace for me! I have lost a lot of friends as well, I guess its the same for the child-free as it is for the childed. We are in the same boat. Its normal and natural that things will change once a baby arrives. I hate to sound awful, but I feel a little sad inside when another friend gets pregnant. Of course I'm happy for them too because I know its something they want and are ecstatic about. But I know for me it means seeing less of that person, no more spontaneous visits and the visits that do occur wont be the same quality(unless the baby is elsewhere). I understand completely. But I still very selfishly miss the old freedoms we once enjoyed together. I feel bad even typing that out. But thats why I post, so I can get these feelings out, even if they are selfish. Then I can hopefully continue to be a good friend for that person when I can. You seem to have come out on the other side of your ordeal in one piece: Keep going! Screw that guy and the horse he rode in on. You got the best thing out of that relationship: the handsome kids who will grow up to NOT be flaky jerks!

Ha, ha, ha Dinah! - Fabulous!

You really made me laugh - I think he bounced in on a kangaroo, incidentally, and bounced off back again. I was going to say and 'sadly I did screw him' - though not the horse. However, as you said yourself, I have two handsome and lovely boys to prove it.

Mind you, I'm glad they're grown up! Once you get through it you realize how hard it was to bring them up. And I don't think you sound selfish at all by the way, Dinah. Why should you be around other people's kids all the time?

They drive you mad enough when they're your own!!

The times I've wished someone would just come and take them away and give me a break. Luckily, I love them dearly, though frankly, a lot of the time, it's been just as well, or life would seem to be just too long. Tee hee.

With kids, without kids we all have our place in this world, and why should anyone breed, full stop, unless it is what they want, and hopefully can be good at - or at the very least, want to be good at

Yes it's probably time to let the friendship go. Not just because of the kids but her flakiness keeps disappointing you. Not the mention you are the one who has to keep making the effort and that's not fair. You are not responsible for making her have a good time. She's an adult and is responsible for her own happiness.

If you still want to continue the friendship as a friendly gesture I think you should at least invite her. What she does after that is on her and you shouldn't feel like you can't have a good time if she does bring the kids with her. You're not the one who has to take care of them so eat, drink, and be merry and stay up as long as you want.

A lot of places have New Year's Eve celebrations so I am sure there will be a lot of new people there that you can meet and mingle with so don't feel you have to babysit her or the kids.

Like you said she probably won't come because of her past history of not following up but it's a nice gesture to invite her.

This is easy cash: I agree! I will make sure she knows she is wanted before we proceed of course. As much as I know it is her OWN doing, I think she is quite lonely. Her hubby works six days a week, she lives in the country with no neighbors and only has a baby and a 2 year old for company most of the time. Like I said, I know she can change this, however I also think with a lot of moms (and her too) there is a guilt complex about ever leaving the kids, especially when you are a SAHM. Since that is considered your "job" by society I think a lot of moms have trouble taking even an afternoon for themselves without feeling bad about it somehow. Of course, I think a lot of people have that problem too. We push success in this culture: lots of people feel guilty taking any time off. Eileen: Ah! If only I was in the UK! We would SO hang out! Kangaroo! Classic! hahahaha. You call me if youre in the states, we'll get a drink you and I!

Dinahlove: good luck with NYE. I hope you all manage to have a good time but it sounds likely to be a train wreck. If you must keep this woman as a friend, you really have to accept that you will be the one to go to her... always. Women with small kids just don't go to other women's homes just to hang out unless there is a play date involved. (Personally, I wouldn't want small kids at my house. But that's just me.)

If you love her and want to be friends, manage your expectations of her. If you really are sick of the drama and the fact that the majority of keeping the friendship alive falls to you, let it go. I have lost many friends to child-bearing to the point that I KNOW the last time I will see them will be at the baby shower. One of my best friends just called two weeks ago to announce her pregnancy. I am happy for her b/c she is happy but I also know this will end our years-long friendship likely forever. Such is life...