BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting My world is completely shattering......please help

I am a step mother of 2 adult children. One I have always gotten along with. The youngest one however...has been a nightmare from day 1 (My husband and I have been together fo 7 years). It will be great for a few months, and then it will blow up and be an absolute mess for 6 months. The only time our relationship has reconciled has been when I have "eaten crow" and coddled her for her dad's sake. After this last blow up, I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE to back down and coddle her again. I am at my wits end. The mere mention of her name makes my blook pressure rise. She has made her goal to destroy my relationship with her father. I love him dearly, and I understand that he wants a relationship with his daughter. However, I have such a hard time with her. After everything that she has put our family through and the complete manipulative destruction that she has put me and her father through, I can't get past it. In my eyes, I see her as toxic and a pure poison to my family. Everyone tells me to ignore her and let it go. For whatever reason, I just can't seem to do that. She is destroying me day by day. I have subconciously given her so much power over me and I just can't seem to get it back. My husband has now resorted to hiding their conversations from me. I am so fed up. We also have a young daughter together, she is 4. I don't want her to go to a divorce, but I really don't know what to do. I am miserable....... Please, anyone with any advice that has been there, I would appreciate your comments. I don't know how much more I can take.

Okay, so you're in a tough battle, but it is a battle of wits. Use your brains to win this one, my friend.

It's time to have a frank talk with your husband. It would be different if this were an underage child, but this is an adult child. You must talk with your husband and express that:

1. You're sorry that this situation has gotten so out of hand.
2. You know this is his daughter, always will be his daughter and you would never want him to break his relationship with her, even if she does not like you or want you to be a part of her life.
3. However, you do not want HER to break up YOUR marriage relationship. Both you and he have a marriage and family to protect.
4. Tell him that you will start over and be as pleasant, fair and amiable towards her as possible. You understand that she feels threatened by your marriage, but she is not a little girl anymore. She is a grown woman who should be focusing all of her attention and energy on her own adult life.
5. Tell him that you hope he will tell her not to try to tear down your marriage, that it is time she accepts that you and he will be married for the rest of your lives.

If she were a little child, then I can see where coddling might be necessary but she is an adult. You don't need to coddle. Just be amiable as possible and fair at all times. That is the civil thing to do and no one can fault you for that.

Be careful to whom you vent. Get out your frustrations here in this forum, to only trusted friends. DO NOT VENT to your husband about his daughter. This forces her husband to choose sides (and the unfortunate truth is that a parent will have a tough time divorcing his child...but divorces among second marriages are all too common.) Don't make your husband the enemy. Don't make his daughter your enemy either.

It's hard but you have to take the higher road. Ignore anything negative that she is trying to do. You're right in that you are handing over your power to her.

Instead of focusing on the negative, be sure your words, thoughts and actions are positive, positive, positive. If you nag, harp or complain, you look like the bad guy. When he sees that you are making sincere efforts to be nice towards her and that she is rejecting your overtures, she will look like the bad guy.

Be sure your marriage is happy and strong. Plan good times together. Give him lots of love and respect. Be sure that when he is with you, he is completely satisfied and fulfilled. He will not give that up easily.

When you become the wife that makes him happy, he will defend you to anyone. Consider that this "adult child" is a low, selfish and immature person. You don't have to stoop to her level. What exactly is she doing to be so poisonous to you and your family?

Thank you so much for your advice. I truely feel like in the past whenever there are issues between she and I, I have taken that high road time and time again. Whenever I do that, of course she butters up to me and I'm her new best friend. She spends every weekend at our house, I cook for her family all weekend long, she or her children MUST be the center of my husbands attention. I babysit all three of her kids at the drop of a hat. I do all I can to help her. Then, when she is at a difficult crossroad, she asks my opinion on things and I tell her the truth and she gets mad and throws a fit. The main issue, I think, is that everyone else that has ever been in her life has never told her no or that she shouldn't be pursuing a certain path. They have always told her to do whatever she wants to make her happy. I agree with that thought to a certain degree, however this has developed into a person who is willing to use anyone that she can and completely disguard them once she is through irregardless of the destruction that she has left in her wake. This girl is 22 years old, has no education, had her first child at 16, pregnant with her 4th child now, cheated on and then divorced her husband, and is now living with the new bf. The whole time all of this took place NO ONE tried to talk any sense into her. Her mother and father BOTH told her that she should do what makes her "happy" irregardless of what effect this has on all her children. I was absolutely dumbfounded. I didn't say a word, but dumbfounded. Helped her move 2 or 3 different times in the course of a year. Then she came to me and told me how unhappy she was and I tried to talk to her and was very honest and blatent with her. I wanted so badly not for her to "listen to me" but for her to at least take it for what it was worth good or bad. I wasn't trying to tell her what to do, but I was just warning her that I felt she was making very quick decisions on things that will impact her children for the rest of their lives. She then exploded. She bad mouthed me to my husband, my mother-in-law, my children's teacher's, my daycare, and basically to anyone who would listen. She said I was a terrible step-mother that has ruined her life for the last 7 years, I was an unfit mother to my kids and didn't deserve them, said that I was a liar and manipulator and jealous of her, and made up all kinds of lies about things that I NEVER said. All this on FACEBOOK mind you, keep in mind, I have a B.S. degree and have an extremely professional community visible position in a VERY small town (we have 1 stop light), therefore you can imagine what this could have done to my career. To this day, I have never went and pleaded my case to any of those people. Hopefully, those people know me well enough to know she is the real liar and if they don't I don't want them in my life anyway. She even had the nerve to tell her dad that her children thought he was dead because he didn't see them often enough. She is poison, everything that comes out of her mouth is a lie and 9 times out of 10 my husband believes it hook line and sinker. She is a selfish, self centered, person who only cares about people that she can get something from. She is not a role model I want for my children and I don't want her to have anything to do with them. I just get so tired of taking the high road, when I am the only one up there it seems. It is very lonely. I know this sounds terrible, but I don't want an amiable relationship with her. What I really want is to move away or for her to go away. I don't want to live 5 mintutes away from her. I'd much rather be 500 miles away from her. I know this sounds terrible, and like I am completely disregarding my husbands feelings, however I don't know what else to do. I have washed my hands of her, I can't tolerate her any longer. I have tried all those things you suggested in the past and she never stops. I am truly at a loss. Thank you so much for listening.....

Oh, gosh. She is something else, isn't she? Sounds as though she has some type of undiagnosed emotional problem. No, no, I don't think it would be good for you to keep coddling her or being a doormat to this type of personality. She will use and abuse you until your spirit is drained away. Yes, she sounds toxic. You can't change her...even with kindness and patience...but you can protect yourself and your marriage.

That is why I'm asking you to take the high road. Not to develop a better relationship with her, but to strengthen your marriage with her father.

Hosting her entire brood for weekend after weekend is too much to ask even the best of stepmothers, let alone biological mothers! She's a grown woman and should be caring for her own.

Hard as it is, try not to let anything she says have an effect on you. People who know her--and you--will see easily who is the perpetrator. Don't get riled. Consider that she has an emotional problem. You do not need to plead your case to anyone. Don't stoop to her level. Hold your head up, and should anyone inquire about this situation, just say briefly that she has some problems.

Learn to say no firmly but without any negativity in your voice. Tell your husband that you know her happiness is important, but now that she's a mother, her children's welfare comes before her own. Tell him that you know she is angry with you because you are the only one who can be honest with her about her responsibilities. It really should come from your husband/her father. Put it to him in ways that will hit a cord within him. For example, telling her to do what she wants to "be happy" might include passing off HER babies for HIM to financially support when he should be looking forward to retirement and travel. Or she and her brood just might move in with him. And if that happens, you'll have no choice but to move out to protect yourself and your own child because she has made it clear that she does not like you and will conjure up false accusations against you.

Let him be the dad he is supposed to be and have him set her straight. Remind him that she is an adult and needs to be an adult. She plays like one, she should be able to own up to the responsibilities. Tough love. If she has a problem with that, too bad. She's an adult now.

If he is too weak to do this, then you have little choice but to set those boundaries for your own family. No more babysitting, no more weekends. Fill your husband's weekend with fun activities for you, him and your child--away from the house.

What is your relationship with your husband like?

My husband and I have a hot/cold relationship. Either things are really GREAT or really TERRIBLE. Most all of our issues have come from his children and their mother. They literally made our lives miserable for the first 4 years of our marraige. They were so convinced that since he has moved on and remarried and had a family that we were "hiding" money from them that they were entitled to. Keep in mind, we paid child support on BOTH of those girls until the oldest was 22 and the youngest was 19 with two children. Both girls were also living with their boyfriends and on government assistance. So, we were paying $840 a month in child support along with their medical expenses while they were living as adults with men and having children. I finally put my foot down and told him that we were fo to see an attorney for one reason or another either he stops this monitary nonsense or I was filing for divorce. Once child support stopped, his first wife no longer had a strong hold on us and she is no longer a factor in our lives. This has helped tremendously. For the last two years, I can honestly say that we have been closer than ever and happier then we had ever been. Things had been wonderful. But it seems that once things are great, his youngest daughter throws a tantrum and it is all turmoil again. I truly think he has a hard time viewing her as an adult. He still sees her as a 10 year old who isn't coping with a divorce. The last three months have been absolute hell. I have never felt so distant from him as I do right now. It isn't his fault, I know deep down that he wants his family together. His ENTIRE family and that makes me very sad. Mainly, because I know that will NEVER happen. At least as long as I am around. Am I doing him an injustice by not walking away? I know he loves me deeply, and I love him more than life itself. But is it fair to him to have to deal with all this drama because of she and I. If I went away would the drama stop? I don't want to leave, but I also don't want him to have to deal with her poisonous intentionally hurtful comments for the rest of our lives either. I struggle daily with not understanding how I can love a man so much with everything in me and yet despise his daughter, flesh and blood, to the core. I try and keep us busy and away from home as much as possible to limit her accesibility, but then that just blows up in my face. For example, he hadn't heard from her in 2 weeks and we have been very busy, and 2 nights ago she texted him and wanted to know If/when he was every going to see her kids again and that her oldest son has cried for him all night and misses him so badly and blah blah blah. It is nothing but a mere guilty ploy from her to make certain that she gets him upset and feeling guilty. She hates the thought of him being able to be happy without her being front row center. Just like now, I am already stressing over her third child's 1 year birthday party. She had texted him a few weeks ago to let him know when it was. Then, she sends an invitation to the party in the mail addressed specifically to him only. Keep in mind that our daughters (7 and 4)went to get the mail with us. It's kind of a nightly routine. My 7 year old read the invitation and looked at me and said "Momma, I don't want to go to that party anyway, but how mean to send this and not invite all of us!" I just told her not to worry about it, that she and her sister would find something fun to do that night. The party is on a friday night at 6 p.m. How convenient. So I am sure that facebook with be plastered with pictures of the party and of her mom and dad (without his family) both being there. The perfect portrait of her fictional family that she always dreamed of. You are right, I am not attempting to develop a relationship with her. I need to strengthen my relationship with her father, and in order to do that I have to figure out how to mentally block her from my mind. I have blocked her physically, so if I can just do it mentally my life would be much easier! I love him, he is a good man, a hard worker and provider for our family, a great husband, and a wonderful father. Tomorrow we are celebrating his parents 50th wedding anniversary. It is also our 6th, so I am REALLY hoping for a great weekend filled with love, laughter, and happiness. :)

Talking to you makes me feel better. It is healing. Makes me truly believe that I am not the crazy one. Somedays I really feel like it!

Hi - wow i am sorry ..i don't have advice..I am new to the board and I just posted and then i ghought i would read some posts and i almost thought i wrote yours myself. Difference is, I decided enough is enough...and I am noving out. Your sd sounds like a nightmare as wel!! Good luck to you

I'm sorry I haven't been in this forum for a while. How are things going?

They are ok. There are good days and bad. As long as we don't hear from her or see her life is good. Unfortunately those days are few and far between. I don't know that there has ever been more than a a few days time without her non-stop text and picture messages. She keeps her kids dangled right in front of his nose like carrots. It is pathetic really. It just kills me that he doesn't see it. I don't know how he doesn't see it. I just can't imagine wanting to be apart of someone's life, if they had treated my husband the way that I have been treated. I understand she is his daughter, but I honestly say that I would NEVER stand for ANYONE to treat him the way she has treated me. I know that he feels stuck in the middle. I know that I should be the bigger person and take the high road. My head tells me all of these things, however my heart just won't let me do it. I do not trust her. I think that she is poison, and I want her no where near my family. I honestly feel broken as a wife, a mother, and a person. And I honestly think that one of the biggest reasons that I can't get over it is because I feel like he allowed it to happen. I feel completely and totally betrayed by him. So, maybe it is the betrayal by him that I can't get past or maybe it is the way his daughter is allowed to treat others, I am not real sure. However, I just hope that I can figure it out soon, as this is literally ripping me in two.

I'm coming into this late a bit, but what hits me the most and Lori had a really great play by play - I tend to just throw it all in there, lol...

But what I get from this is a one word anecdote. "Power Struggle!"

You're right not to trust this person...somewhere she is broken in all of this. Whenever she's feeling 'not so special' she brings out the "guns."

Like the Wizard of OZ...there was so much fear and turmoil over the wicked witch of the west. When the one thing that difused the problem was something as simple as a little water. That's what I get from this person.

I know it doesn't feel like it...believe me, I've been there, but she just needs to ware herself out and the father? He'll never see it your way because he's got a blind eye to the daughter. But!

What keeps this person going (the daughter) is your fret. It's like fuel to a fire.

As soon as you couldn't care less, that's worse than any amount of water on the witch of the west could ever be.