BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Child Free; Nature, Nurture or both?

Dinahlove, sibling genetics are easy enough. Unless you are identical twins, the most you can be related to a sibling is statistically 50%, so it's entirely possible to have some genes your siblings don't. I doubt the answer to our childfree tendencies is found within one little gene, such as whether or not we have red hair. It could be a quantitative trait (multiple genes), how they interact with each other, how they interact with other genes, and how they interact with the environment. For us, the environment is not only the tactile world, but also psychology. Yes, I was raised the same as my siblings. But, it couldn't be "exactly" the same. For instance, as the 4th and last child in my family, I was somewhat ignored. That's not to say "neglected" in anyway, but by the time I came around, kids were nothing special. My oldest brothers had a professional pictures taken of them every year of their childhood. My sister only had them done up until age 5, then only school photos. Me? Only the official hospital photo when I was born, and school photos. Studies have shown that the oldest child usually has the highest IQ (only a few points usually) than the other children because parents tend to dote on their current, only child.

I'm sure there are other factors as well. For instance, my intense dislike of babies and small children "awakened" at the same time my eldest brother had his first daughter when I was 10 years old. Age 10 is an interesting age. You are old enough to pretty much understand everything that goes on around you, but not mature enough to deal with much responsibility. By the time I was 12 they kept trying to push the kid on me and make me her default babysitter when I was around: "Dee, change her diaper." "Dee play with her, keep her occupied." "Dee, get her shoes on." Dee, make her something to eat." I never had to deal with younger siblings, and didn't have an younger cousins or anything either. Having a small, annoying thing thrust at me constantly during my formative years wasn't exactly a great way to put a positive image of kids in my mind. Maybe if they hadn't expected that of me, and I only had to be present when she was around, I wouldn't have developed such an aversion? I honestly couldn't say.

I wonder what are the statistics of the childfree community's life. Only children vs. kids with siblings? Where we fall in the family (for instance, I'm the last of 4). Age separation of siblings, etc...? I wonder if there is any common thread to pull most of us together. Hmm...

Gosh Dolyn,
I think this would be a wonderful study you could put your scientific mind to and then have it published!
I'm the youngest of three boys.. oldest 7 yrs. older middle 5 yrs. older. Raw statistics would be much easier to obtain, but in my case there were cultural factors involved. My father is first generation who survived the WWII labor camps. My mom survived the depression with a womanizing violent father. We had a live-in uncle who was a confirmed bachelor because he chose to take care of his aging parents after the war. No girls in the home and no female cousins geographically close meant that there was never ever a baby in the house... ever. Money, Money, Money was all the girls I dated ever wanted. My dad retired when I was 19 to another state. I followed because I was young and stupid and didn't know what I was gonna do... Then I started living with more mature and evolved women when I was 19. After many relationships and heartache I pretty much gave up on the notion until I was 39. I met Connie on-line in 1999 before it was fashionable dahling. It really piqued my interest when you mentioned that your family pushed the baby's needs on you at a very early age. That's what happened to Connie. Her sister had Jeff out of wedlock, and he became her entire responsibility at age 13. Connie's dad died when she was 17, and her mother was abusive so she married and had a boy and a girl. All of our lives in our separate worlds, we were always ' homebodies ' and never did care to much for the running around and the partying. Also, we sure didn't like all the junk that orthodox religions were spouting so we started doing our own research separately and ended up both finding and applying the mystical traditions that rang more closely to our hearts. Long before she met me, she told her ex that as soon as these kids are raised... I'm outta here... so I'm not a home wrecker. But God did not release her until the time was right... Then she filed for divorce and here we are. I think you stated that you were an atheist, and that's cool... any thinking, reasoning person who has to put a roof over their head, finish school, get meals, clothes, transportation, yada, yada... doesn't have time to argue for 400 years over one passage in the bible for Christ's sake... but for us, we needed a deeper walk. My point being is that we are a childfree couple and it is absolutely perfect and we wouldn't have it any other way !! !!!

Dolyn: Thank you for the interesting info! I'll say it again: FASCINATING! I really like science, since I am CF and have the time, maybe I should go back and study more! (Ive already decided to do this, but the career choice hasnt happened yet!) I have a story similar to yours: I am the youngest out of 2 kids, just one older sibling. I never had any contact with younger children or babies until about 10 as well, when a set of boy twins came along (they are technically third cousins) I only saw them a couple of times a year, but being the youngest I noticed that when I did see them they were typically dropped in my general area and all adults wandered away implying that I should spend my time at the family party watching them. This couldnt have appealed to me less, and since they werent incredibly close relatives, I felt no qualms about just walking away from them and doing my own thing. (I was only ten and no one explicity told me I had to watch them, so off I went!) When the adults noticed that I couldnt care less, they took over and stopped dropping them near me. Even at ten years old, babies made my lip curl. As they got older, they continued to make my lip curl. Then they moved away and I havent seen them in years. I tried baby-sitting a few times because the "babysitters club" books made it seem fun. I instantly realized it was NO fun and never did it again. So here I sit: 32 years old and guess what? Ive never changed a diaper! NEVER! Im sure I could figure it out, but Im just over-joyed that Ive avoided it this long. Smelling them is enough thank you I think its a great idea to do a survey on this! I am ready,willing and able to help you with this if you would like! I would love to hear the results!

Maybe we should suggest it to Laura of "La Vie Childfree." I think it's more of a sociology/psychology study than a biology one. Frankly, if I'm not running a PCR or building a phylogenetic tree, I'm pretty useless.

-D

I am the last of 3 children. I babysat when I was a teenager and I realized back then that raising children was a lot of work and very tiring. I still thought I would "some day" have kids, but I never had that deep desire. At about age 26 I realized having kids was really not for me, and unfortunately I was newly married and I shocked the hell out of my husband with that revelation.

As a lot of you know, my marriage fell apart last year after 16 years of marriage, a 19 year relationship. My husband chose to stay with me for such a long time, but in the end he could not live without having a family, even after he had agreed with me that we would be happy together even without having kids.

My sister is 16 months younger than I am and she has two sons with her husband. My brother is 7 years younger, never married, but has a girlfriend who is now pregnant with his child, so we think. She had been promiscuous in the past and he had just broken up with her when she announced she was pregnant. My brother was not smart in using contraception or making sure she did. It is the fault of them both, but now I can see the stress he is under having to deal with this life-changing event. He can barely afford to support himself, let alone a woman with a child now too.

No thanks.....

Exactly Cassie67,

Sooner or later it boils down to pure economics.

My dad worked for GM 30yrs. and out... we lived the American Dream.

In the early 1970's the kids were getting college just to get into the factory.

No go... while we were drinking beer and chasing girls, the foreigners were working from 7am - 11pm and studying calculus.

No disrespect to you, because you have used the proper terminology -- but in general a child is considered a fault or a mistake or a surprise !!!

Everything else is ordered in our lives except for that...

A miracle, a mistake, a fault.

Is that anyway to bring a child into the world?

And let's not forget all the ads even on this site of all the starving children in the world... they just show the mom & baby... where's the dad?

The whole idea of sex, romance and child birth is stupid, stupid, stupid...

I'm sorry... It just is.

-- Burt B.

Burt.....I say the pregnancy is their fault because my brother did not want a child now, yet he chose to be irresponsible with contraception. I know the woman he is with planned this all out and wanted to trap him. It is his fault he let it happen when the situation was all preventable. I warned him months ago that this may be the case and to please protect himself. He didn't.

Hell, my marriage went down the toilet in part because I chose to be abstinent instead of using birth control. I did not trust birth control methods enough, and I did not want kids that much to risk taking chances. At 37 years old my brother knew better than to throw caution to the winds. So yes, it is his fault, and now he has to deal with the consequences.

I agree with you....no, this is not the way to bring a child into the world. My brother thought that maybe some day he would have a child, but all of us in the family would have liked to see him fall in love with a decent, respectable woman, get married, and then have the babies. At least try to make a good go of it.

He had just broken up with this woman because he realized she was a piece of trash, and now he is stuck with her, at least for the time being. I know he is going to have a DNA test done when the baby is born. Still, my mother and I both don't think this relationship will work out, and who will be the one to really suffer??? The child, of course..... All because of selfish needs that were met and nobody taking responsibility.

My brother is too good of a person to turn into a dead-beat dad, but I don't envy his position right now.

Cassie67, I feel and can sense your pain right through the words, and I sincerely apologize if I hit a raw and open nerve which seems to be the case.

Responsibility. Plain and Simple.

Cassie67,

Please allow me to help you through this trying time.

My grandmother cried when her son and daughter married some real weeners back in the 1920s

My Dad cried at the wedding of the oldest of three boys, not only did the eldest change his religion to a rival one that my Dad held in contempt as a child -- but he also changed his surname. The middle brother had one daughter, and I'm CF.

So trust me when I feel your pain.

And yes, you brother may be in the process of being trapped.

Please Forgive My Seemingly Cold and Brash Comments -- I meant culture-wide.

I high-school absolutely gorgeous girls would go out with boys that would throw them out of vehicles going 45mph. We were trained to put women on a pedestal -- a good one, not a fake one because of the Love and Respect my Dad had for their Mother.

Sincerely,

Burt B.