BellaOnline Forums Relationships Gay/Lesbian Relationships Lesbian partner becoming a jerk

We met online 6 years ago, I had lost my home in a hurricane and could not recoup any loss, no insurance! So after 6 months I moved in. Right away, she wanted to "renovate" the house, so, using my 10,000 dollars I had in savings I helped her do that. I should not have spent my own money, but she indicated to me that I would have a stake in her home since I bought materials, paint, flooring, kitchen cabinets, etc. and then together we renovated. no one was hired, we did all the renovations ourselves. We started a cat rescue, but after just a few weeks she dropped out saying she decided she hated cats. So I was stuck with 15 cats trying to do it all alone. Needless to say, her resentment became anger and she started abusing the animals. By this time I was broke, lost my job etc. So then she said she would help me by paying me back some of the money I put in, but then she changed her mind, again. We live in a rural area and it is hard to find work. I had a nice pick up truck when we met and she took it upon herself to use only my truck for hauling brush, towing her old truck, going on road trips etc. even though she has her own trucks. She hired a crew to cut the tree limbs around the 3 acres we live on and was too cheap to have them haul them away. So I helped cut the limbs on the ground, (there was an acre of them) and used my truck once again in 15 trips to the dump to get rid of them. Needless to say after putting in laminate flooring on my hands and knees, demolishing an old kitchen and installing a new kitchen, painting the entire house and me buying all and I mean all of the new furniture, I am broke and she is squeezing every ounce of work out of me. Together we took in a horse, but I buy all the hay and all the vet bills and all the farrier work etc. because she now says she never wanted the horse. I have to tell you, I feel used. I can't find a job here and if I could I would move but I gave her all my money and now my body is hurting and I am worn out. For my birthday one year I got a compost bucket, and then this year a carton of cigarettes. I was trying to quit smoking but she says I get too crabby and she would rather see me smoke. For Christmas I got a bottle of biofreeze because of my aching muscles. I gave her a guitar! For her birthday I gave her dinner and a show and a digital movie camera so we could record all our remodeling. When I first moved in I was working away 3 days a week and when I came back tired out, she put me to work. This went on for a year, and when we went out, I wound up paying every time. When she pays, it is with a lot of steam coming out of her ears. Now she is angry because I did lose my job and now I am broke. I asked her to start a business with me but she is not interested. I asked for her help and she told me it is not her job to help me and to ask my parents for help. Am I crazy? Or is this woman I am living with a selfish jerk? I am in a spot, I am broke because of her and now I have a horse to tend to, cats to give away that no one wants and I am miserable. We never talk about what we can do to make the situation better, it is always about HER and her renovations, her friends etc. She has taken several vacations and I stay here to tend to her house and her dogs and she never takes me along. Basically, I want out but I am stranded and used. Can anyone validate me? I put so much into this place and I do not even have enough to move out and take my stuff! Any insights? Oh and by the way, her elderly mother fell and had surgery and moved in for a while. I cooked for her and my partner (I do all the cooking and buy all the groceries) and helped her take care of her mother for 3 months. Her friends come to visit and I buy and prepare the food and act like the hired help. I have gone above and beyond what you call a good partner and still, she never put my name on the house as she said she would if I helped her and put in my own money and if I ever bring up a discussion she says I am a whiner and leaves the house....so I am quiet and feel abused! She even gave her sister my lawn mower without asking. not to borrow, she just gave it away,! she said it took up too much room in the garage. I know I've been stupid, but I am a wonderful loving partner but don't have the same in return. help?? Thanks in advance

Susie,

I usually answer posts knowing that it is just my opinion, people can take it or leave it, and ultimately I do not have the answers for someones life, but I am willing share my thoughts for what it is worth.

As I read the post, to me it does not sound like a healthy relationship at all and you already know that. At the end you say you've been stupid, I would rephrase that as 'giving your power away to someone else'. You are the only one who could have made that choice for yourself. You are not responsible for what she says or does, but you are responsible for you.

I've had a 'f*ck you' moment with one of my ex's and it felt great. It was liberating! You don't have to repeat all the mistakes in your life such as allowing someone to treat you disrespectfully (and then to keep giving in and doing stuff for them)? And while I understand you have no where to go and is limited on where you can live... you still have to deal with this dynamic in your life head on before it goes into another relationship in a different way. You can allow yourself all the anger and frustration and even forgiveness for yourself for making less than self respecting choices, because it does not last forever. It is only a phase in our life sometimes, we live and learn and do better after really dealing with it.

You are responsible for having no money, not her, that is a choice you made. You are responsible for the choices you made with the animals. You are responsible to cook yourself dinner, not her dinner or her mothers dinner. You are responsible for acting like the hired help.

It is actually freeing to take back your power. You can say to her 'f*ck off' in your heart and mind. Now do things for you. Hugs.

Wow,

So been there. I have to admit just WOW, so many thoughts, really.

First, I've actually done what you did, so how's that for relating? There's no other way to say it. I am a romantic, or was and lived by the golden rule, what you put out, will come back to you.

Well, it doesn't. People are just people and I'd say 95% of the time they're operating with some form of socially acceptable masks hiding exactly what they are and truly feel for a number of reasons...maybe they don't want to focus on their defficiencies, maybe it's not Politically correct to say or do (flippin WHATEVER-me just say and be who you are), maybe it's not good for business to actually be the person you're buying from.

There are some people that are what they present and if what you are, is 90-100%, non-material and pretty much someone where, if you've got a shirt on your back and someone needs it, you give it to them, unfortunately guess what? People out there are terribly happy to take it, if it's given. Especially these days. Free is the new chic. But there are more commendable ways to go about doing it, they just take more work.

This might make you feel a tiny bit better...I actually signed over a house and $25,000.00. Good morning sunshine is right. It's a painful lesson to learn, especially if you felt it coming and ignored it or hoped things would turn out different. But, and I hate this, but if you give away something and sadly I love to share everything, but people are going to take it and have you keep on belieiving there is something in it for you to keep on doing it, until you've got nothing left to give.

I lost everything myself in a rural setting, no car and ironically 3 cats and 2 horses I took in to rescue.

What I would do first, is quit believing things are going to get better or there's love in this. Like a horse put blinders up and pick a focal point. Freedom.

Next, call the humane societ or a reputable horse rescue and explain your situation with the manager not a secretary of the shelter. They will have connections. They got that position for a reason...connections. I'd start with the horses and work through them, with the cats. For whatever reason I got more results with the horse people. Cats and dogs...just wow, not so much, like I was a nuisance.

Once that's done, blinders up, focus on leaving. What will it take. Just think basic shelter, a sleeping room shelter, BUT something on a bus route or within walking distance. Get online, the newspapers, whatever, craiglist, just do it and don't look back.

LAstly, and this is something by just reading what you've posted, you are a caregiver. You just are, you'll give and give until you fall over backwards.

Advertise that as a service. You can get bonded at a police station for very little money. Get an advertisement together, flyers, put them up around the stores.

My situation was a little different. Small town, abusive husband and everyone knew everything. BUT, what i did do was get a job a something like Visiting angels and I had offers out the WAZOO for me to leave that job and work as an independant contract for the households I did work for through the agency.

As far as transportation, well this chic has "trucks" considering, you're entitled to use at the very least your own if not one of hers but make sure if you do, there's something in writing that says she's agreeing to let you drive it. Legally is the key word...you can do this...you'll be stronger and wiser for being here, and happier as you find someone else that respects you enough to respect your boundaries.

Hi Susie,

I came across this song today. I'd never heard it before, but I'm like, this seems to fit so well...and I'm running down my list of where or why and I remembered your post.

I know it made me feel better just listening to it.

Still Alright

Susie,

I am still thinking of you and wondering how you are doing.

not good

depressed?

no, not depressed, thanks for all the replys, I am gone, outta there! happy now!