BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Anyone agree ?

Hi Ladies,

At first I wasn't sure if I should post, because after all, this is a place primarily for women to converse about female problems - but I thought maybe a mans opinion may help here - so I hope it has. Or we could just think of each other as people or individuals (without that sounding too corny LOL)

Lori - I agree, I don't think you're offending anyone - just trying to see the best, and that's a really strong and at times difficult thing to do. I admire your outlook a lot

Cassie, I'm so glad that I could help in any way. It means a lot for you to say that. I can see that your boyfriend sounds like a lovely man - he sounds in love with you very much, and as if he's protecting you by not marrying you. Perhaps one day, he won't be able to resist - who knows? I'm very sorry to hear of his health problems - this sounds like the root of the cause of why he doesn't want to put that commitment on your shoulders because he's probably worried, as you say. They do say creaking gates last longer so hopefully, his health will be fine from now on. He sounds like he has a great outlook considering his poor luck, and you sound very much in love with him too.

It must be difficult sometimes when you want certain things from him, or you don't understand why he behaves a certain way - but to me personally, the signs point strongly that he loves you a lot you may not always understand each other, but as long as you're aware of that, then that's brilliant. Plus, how boring would life be, and your relationship be, if everything went exactly how you both wanted LOL... some conflict is good - it keeps things fresh and helps build your love and relationship.

You've been through tough times with men, so you're bound to be wary and I don't blame you, but you should try and enjoy your time together as much as you can - otherwise you may regret it someday. Though you sound lke you're actually quite happy, just a bit confused at times? I hope you are happy

Don't worry about long posts, like Lori says - you have to explain yourself - and I think I'm a long talker myself LOL

One of my closest friends recently broke up with her boyfriend because he refused to marry her, oddly enough that we discussed this. So, after four years, he said he couldn't and he left. Now my dear friend is heartbroken - I've never seen her so hurt, and she laughs at times and says the funny thing is - she didn't really care that much about marriage, but she wanted to know that he wanted to marry her. Now, because of all her pushing, she's pushed him away. It's so awful to see her so depressed, and also to see her blaming herself. She just wishes she'd excepted him now. Though, they wanted seperate things regarding family, so I don't think they were "meant to be" - but it's odd how these feelings can spoil something good.

Yeah porn can be very boring LOL - that's why I say let him/men get on with it. Or women, I've known a few women that love porn LOL. I don't think it reflects on a relationship - at least you know he has a healthy sex drive, and as long as he's there for you - that's what's important.

I agree with Lori - he seems to love and think a lot of you

Talk to you soon Steve

I resent the stereotype that All men just think of lust not love.
While this is true for a large percentage of men, is not true of all men. It is not true of me. I would love a good romance or a chance to be romantic. Please don't stereotype me because I am male as being like so many other men. I am so different and I like being who I am.

Thank you for posting here, guys. I really, really encourage men to post here because we, women, can benefit from your honest thoughts and feelings. And you men should feel safe being able to post here anonymously.

There are things that men think that women would never imagine. For example, in another marriage forum, a long-time husband posted that he has such inner resentment towards his wife that he withholds sex (who'd have thunk that a man would ever do that?!?) He does not want to divorce so many reasons, mainly the family and finances, but his anger has turned into contempt but she would never know because he quietly endures.

Why doesn't he say anything? Because he's learned through the years that she won't give an inch.

My point in bringing this up is that if husbands and wives can share honestly and safely here, we can learn from each other. Without judgment or criticism.

So thank you all for coming forward to share. Thank you, Craig, for letting us know that you resent being stereotyped. It's a mistake we shouldn't make in the future.

Cassie, I love your posts as well as everyone that's been digging into the hard center of experiences. This is a brave group and I just love that!

Cream pie started a very interesting topic, one that seems to have just multitudes of different experiences and levels of love within those experiences.

I kind of wonder if all interactions aren't maybe on some level a form of love? Love by denfinition, is there really just one?

If it's a mutual exchange and there's sharing of those exchanges, I wonder if people aren't maybe channels we come across with the receiving and giving flowing as long as there is a perpetual movement of growth?

I think also there is a purity that comes to people who have been close to death. Like your boyfriend, I think when you are faced with the inevitable a certain simplicity transpires. They seem to really get the stuff that's important and aren't all that interested in the frivolousness of other things. They have no desire to cause external pain and really well, from being there, haven't the energy to be selfish.

Though they may not always be the picture of what we consider health, they often are vessels that bring quite a good deal of healing

Craig.....I am sorry if you were offended here. There should be more guys out there like you and Steven who are willing to take a chance on love and be romantic. It seems to me that guys like you are hard to find, unfortunately, but I commend you both for your honesty and open hearts.

Steven.....Thanks for your support. It means a lot to me to have your feedback. In my case I have been hurt very badly (the end of my marriage to my second husband was worse for me to handle than my father's death), so I may be a little jaded in my thinking about men. I know I am not the only woman to ever go through such pain, but for me personally it has left me with a hole in my heart that will never be healed completely again. Some of what is the worst to bear is the loss of the little things in the relationship that I will never do again, see again, hear again. Those little things in a relationship are so important, and after almost 20 years these things are a part of your life. How to change and try to forget these things is so difficult. I find myself saying things to my boyfriend that were only meant for my husband's ears, and it brings me pain to have this unconsciously happen. I don't want these little things to be a part of my new relationship, but they are still in the forefront of my mind.

I am happy with my boyfriend for the most part and I know he cares. I agree with you and Elleise in that someone with the burden healthwise that he has carried all of his life can affect the types of commitments he makes now. I have found him to be a vessel of comfort though, and it came at a time last year when I was at my darkest hour.

Elleise.....I like the insight of your post. Thanks for your feedback. It is true that my boyfriend likes simplicity and he has no intention of hurting people. He is far from selfish.

Lori.....As always it is great to hear from you. You are great!

On the flipside of this, I posted some negative things this morning about my boyfriend in the Relationships-Relationships section, on the "Boyfriend still in touch with past lovers" thread. I started that thread recently, and I posted an update there this morning because it was more appropriate to post there because of the content than on this thread.

If you have a chance to read that thread please do, as it rounds out my story with my boyfriend. Any feedback is appreciated, especially from the guys who have chosen to comment here.

"Perfect" just does not happen in relationships.......

I read a lot of what's been said in the relationships section Cassie. I can see your point of view, I would probably feel the same in my heart, but my mind would be saying ' no - stop, trust him.' You sort of have to. I see how when other ppl have said that the relationship isn't right for you, you've jumped right to your b/f's defense - so that says a lot I really don't think he would cheat on you. He just seems to love these women as friends. I understand how you feel - but do you want to push him away? I haven't read your last post, but I think you should try and trust him. Because of his health issues in the past he may think - life's too short to not be friends and loving to ppl who he was once there for. As long as you're still important - very important to him. Yeah, perfect just doesn't happen in relationships - or it rarely does. You two seem to have a few issues, such as the saying 'I love you' one. The thing I notice is how you defend your relationship though, so you must love him, and you don't like him being portrayed in a negative light - so you mut feel he's a good guy. Maybe, ask yourself seriously, would you rather be with him as things are and keep things the same? Or give him up for these issues? You'll know the answer in your heart.

After your husbund it must be difficult to go with the flow, but it sounds like that's what your b/f wants to do with life. It must be difficult for you - my mother still hasn't got over my father leaving her - and that was over 30 years ago. She still cries for him. When you love someone, I think you always love them. When I think of my ex's, even ones which have ended badly - I still love them.

On a seperate note, there seems to be an idea that all men are really highly sexed in the West, and that women aren't LOL. I know in general, men are more highly sexed, but I think women can be just the same. I think we learn this a lot from what we're shown in the media - rom-coms etc. The media does this a lot - in sitcoms you'll see the woman shown to be witholding sex as a punishment. It's just another gender stereotype really. Younger guys are obviously highly sexed - but I've known of some older men who would rather just be loving - which one would associate more with the stereotype of a woman. The problem is the media judge women who are sexual - they're either slutty tarts or they're a villain in some way. I can't think of a woman who is sexual in a film who isn't one of these stereotypes. It's as if women aren't allowed to be able to enjoy sex in the West.

But it's ridiculous really, otherwise we wouldn't still have a human race LOL. Women can be just as lusty as men, more so sometimes. Unless I'm hanging out with strange women LOL - all my female friends are lusty, apart from one who isn't interested - but neither is her husbund, so they match LOL. They're in their twenties and they have seperate bedrooms and had sex once this year just so she could get pregnant, and she was really pleased that they'd got it "on the first attempt" LOL. This is what she told me.

I think the variety of traits that men and women have is interesting and not assigned to just one sex or the other. My husband is more nurturing than I am. We complement each other. I am more of the disciplinarian, although that doesn't mean just punishment.

Sometimes I feel that the myth that women are loving and men are lusting is so that men can feel comfortable leaving their wives at home alone. If she's not lusty, she won't step outside of the marriage, right? Just a random thought!

In regards to my two marriages I fell in love before going to bed ever came into play, especially my second marriage where we were friends before I ever felt deeper feelings for him. With my boyfriend, I think I actually fell into lust first and then shortly afterwards I fell in love with him. As we spent more time together I saw there was a lot more I admired about him than just the electricity he created.

Things don't look good between us right now, unfortunately. As appropriate I will be commenting on our relationship in the Relationships section of this forum.

Thanks again for commenting, Steven.

Cassie, do you have the link to your thread in the relationships forum? Maybe we could all have a look and try and offer you some helpful advice

I'm sorry to hear things aren't going well.