BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Anyone agree ?

Steven, I think that the men who 'fall in love' are few and far between. It's interesting to sit back & watch couples at a social event......he gives her "that look"(of love) and it's a given. So nice to see, but rare.

In many marriages, the guy goes his way and lives life the way HE wants to and the gal finally realizes she has to do the same, or sit home and vegetate.

Real communication between married cpls often becomes non-existant. They take each other for granted. It takes both ppl to make it work. One person can try all they want, but if the spouse isn't interested in 'talking' about the situation, then it's a dead end. So life goes on and the years pass by.

Thanks for the reply Cassie67.
I think you 'nailed' it in your above statement.
As well,I believe that most men lose respect for their spouse. RESPECT is the most important ingredient in a marriage..next to being in love.

Actually, TBH - I think you're right. I think I'm a rare breed in the male species. I think that there are men out there though who feel the same though. A lot of the time its cos they've had their heart broken they're like it. It's like men only give one chance sometimes where as women will generally give more.

And I also think that ppl are usually attracted to the wrong type of person because they're seen as a challenge. But if we don't believe in finding that special person, it's going to be quite a sad world. Lonliness is an epidemic. I think search through enough of the rough and you'll find a diamond. Maybe that's naive - but I feel like that.

Angela, it must have been awful to leave the dogs - ad I can understand completley staying in a negative place for an animal. You did a really strong thing though and the thing that was best for you. Hopefully the dogs will be fine without you - and perhaps when you get back on your feet you can get in contact with your ex's son to make sure. You should be thinking of yourself ATM and try to put them out of your mind. Hope luck deals you some good hands

Steven,
It could be that men have difficulty expressing their love, that is, after the lust part has worn off. I don't think there are many men who feel the same about their spouse after being together for a long time. Men don't seem to need the affection and special bonding that women do throughout life.
It could be possible that men get love and lust confused.
I can only think of two cpls that act like they are in "love" with each other, after many yrs. together. It's so nice to see the respect they have for one another.

With both husbands I had, they did not put forth enough effort to make things work out for the marriage. I was always willing to communicate, compromise, find other alternatives, seek counseling, and TRY TRY TRY anything that might help make things better. These two guys wanted things their way, and if I could not do things exactly the way they wanted it, the marriage was over. Granted, I am not perfect, but I can say that I did not cheat on any of my husbands when life became difficult. I supported my men with all that I had. I would have thought that this would be a thing to be cherished by a man, but it just isn't. The more you do for them, the less they appreciate you.

I was married for 2 yrs the first time (3 yrs total together), and 16 years the second time (19 years total together). My view of marriage is that it should be a permanent thing. You find the most suitable partner you can and work on things together, but these two men found it easier to bail out instead of working on the relationship and the commitment they had made. At least in the beginning of these relationships I had thought that these men were in love with me. I was not intimate with them too soon, and we developed a good friendship and loving relationship. So where did the love on their part go???

I do a lot for my boyfriend, who's health is a tentative thing. I know he loves me and he appreciates me, but if I said I wanted to leave him I don't think he'd put up too much fuss. He is very casual minded about sex and relationships, and like I have said in earlier posts, I know that he is not "in love" with me. It is a strange thing to me, and almost a bitter thing to swallow. If he wasn't so sweet and caring and I didn't love him so much I would leave him.

Steven, thanks for joining in with your view. It is nice to get a male point of view here. I don't think a lot of guys are like you in their way of thinking about love and being in love. A lot of guys have a hard time expressing themselves as it is. I thought I had found expressive men each time and I figured we could get through anything together with love and communication. I was wrong, evidently. Seems to me that when a guy wants to check out he will just stop tuning in to the relationship and go off down his own road. At least that is my experience.

That's a good way to put it ....they " tune out of the relationship", and become more interested in spending time with their friends/hobbies, etc. If the spouse isn't interested in either/or, that's too bad....they go do whatever they please, anyhow.
I admire cpls who have the same interest and the same friends.

My thoughts: It's dangerous to make blanket generalizations for an entire gender population. Humans have too many variations and individual personalities to say that men fall in lust and women fall in love. I've known many couples where the situation was in reverse! The man truly loved the woman but for the woman the attraction was purely physical.

Men are absolutely capable of falling in love and maintaining a loving, committed relationship. I know of many, including those in 50+ yearlong marriages!

Have hope. Good men are out there.

I totally agree with Steven. I think there are a some/ too many women out there who fall for the wrong guy over and over again and they don't even realize they have a pattern, while they ignore the nice men out there thinking they are "boring" "too nice" or "not manly enough". I know I was a little like that in my teenage/young adult years, but I grew out of it, and I only committed when I found a man ready to commit too. I am certain that my husband loves me as much as I love him. And I love him because he puts in the relationship as much as I do and because being with him is so much better than being without him. I love myself myself enough not to start/ stay in a relationship with some one who cares more for friends and hobbies than for our life together.

I also agree with Lori, I dislike generalizations, I don't like it when someone says "we women are..." they don't know me at all they shouldn't do that. I have fallen in lust in the past too, lol.

I hope I did not offend anyone with any of my posts. I know there are variations in all things with individual men and women. I don't mean to make generalizations, but only speak for myself, people I personally know, and from information I have received from various books and media on how women and men feel. It is just my take on things, nothing more. I am certainly no expert and I don't assume to know everyone's mind.

As for what Steven said about falling for the wrong men, I personally never did fall for the "bad guy" or the "wild guy". I was always attracted to average looking guys with a bit of height and build, but not the body builder type. I developed friendships with both of my husbands first before becoming intimate with them. They were indeed nice guys, but not Elvis Presley in the looks department. I wanted a bit more substance in my relationships.

My second husband I truly considered my soulmate, and we spent 19 years together with very good communication and affection. My head still spins that he decided to check out of our relationship. I can honestly say that he truly was in love with me years ago when we got together. When I did not give him exactly what he wanted and how he wanted it, he finally decided to leave with resentment and disrespect for me. Somewhere along the line he did not want to accept me for who I am.

As much as I found that some things were lacking in various areas of our relationship, I was very accepting of his flaws because as a whole he was a good guy. I think what we had as a couple turned out not to be enough for him. I think through the years relationships do mellow, the electricity does wear off, and what you have left is the genuine caring and affection between you. We had that, and I think that is what keeps those 50 year marriages going. It is the meat of the relationship. For some reason my husband thought that this solid foundation and history was not enough for him.

My current boyfriend is someone I never would have looked at twice if we passed each other on the street. I met him under unusual circumstances and completely by chance. He is not what I would have considered my type. He is not tall at all, of slight build with hardly a voice (thanks to thyroid cancer, surgery, and radiation when he was a child), a very thin neck and small shoulders (thanks again to illness), and his view on sex and relationships is very casual. Not my type.....

During the process of my divorce I met my boyfriend. We became friends only, with the knowledge that my intention was to move away to go live with family across the country. What I found with my boyfriend was that even though he was not my physical type, he was indeed a very nice person....funny, thoughtful, considerate, respectful, kind, and giving. I think in this case I did fall in lust with him before love, because he is a very sensual person, but the love certainly came soon after for me as we spent more time together. A year later he is still consistently the same sweet man. I can't resist him even though his views on some things are too light for me. He does however have a positive and upbeat view of life, which rubs off on me and helps me mentally and emotionally look at things with a healthier attitude.

We just take life one day at a time together, and that is enough. I am happy I did take a chance with him, a guy I would have normally overlooked. I have been taught a lesson on how not to judge a book by its cover. This relationship certainly started out differently than the relationships that led to my marriages.

Lori, I think many of us know couples who have been happy for 50 years or thereabouts. These wonderful couples come from an era when marriage was more respected and couples just worked through every difficulty together. There just were no other options or ways of thinking. They just stayed together. Getting through life's challenges with that sense of purpose has made these couples as close as they are. It sure is amazing to see their sense of commitment to each other. We could learn a lot of life's lessons from these wonderful couples.

It seems that commitment and marriage does not have the same value today for many people. Divorce and separation come too easily. It is a little sad to me.

I agree that Divorce these days is just too easy, people step into marraige knowing fully well it actually means very little these days.

The men you talk about may well have been in love with you. Many ppl will be in love but not want to fight for it, or they have difficulties other problems etc.

When I said about going for the wrong guy - I didn't mean looks - I meant, you know, you just KNOW that this person is bad for you. The most beautiful looking people can be brilliant partners, and obviously "plain" people can be terrible ones vice versa.

It seems a shame that so many women here have been burnt or had bad relationships. It's actually the nature of relationships I think - there's always one that loves more. If you really want to play it safe, make sure you're the one that loves less. Human beings want nothing more than what they cannot have in my experience LOL.

Even though, I for example have fallen head over heels before. I haven't expressed it. I've been cold - I've been distracted, all because I don't want to get hurt, and these days dating feels like a game - it does to me at least. Nothing is personal anymore - it's all e-mails and texts (SMS) - there's not enough bonding a lot of the time, so you feel ill at ease at times (or I do.) I wish people would just be straight forward and say what they think. I'd have more respect for someone who said 'I just want to sleep with you' than some nasty liar that pretends they like you just to get women into bed.

I agree it's wrong to generalise - I'm guessing we're going on personal experiences though - so it's difficult. I do agree that men fall in love though. I've seen far too many men in love to not know it, and it surpasses lust. Lust is more like winning a prize to men. It's done, move on. They won't stick around unless they're in love - wether it's three months or 9 months from what I've seen anyway. Unless they're a determined little fibber LOL.