BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Feeling so Guilty

Solalux,

I liked what you had to say and agree with you.

Well said Solalux.
I'm sure the previous post talking about those who have kids are selfless, ( therefore implying those that don't are selfish ) wasn't meant to be an insult, but unfortunately that's how these comments often seem.
I always get that feeling of, 'here we go again' when I hear or read things like that, and it does get wearing.

I completely agree with the comment that those who have kids do it because they want to FOR THEMSELVES - it's certainly not to make sure the population doesn't dry up - and women have a choice wether to go ahead with the pregnancy or not these days if it's an 'accident'.

As you say, I'm pleased for anyone getting what they want - wether it's kids, or their dream job, but it doesn't make others seem that more tarnished because they don't have the same desires.

One of my mother's comments years ago, when I said I didn't want kids was - 'you don't miss what you never had.'
She said it in a way - oh, poor you ! and I suppose for her, she felt sorry that I wouldn't have the 'joy' that she had.
- Unfortunately being on the other end of her tempers, and her self confessed 'permanent pmt for ten years' wasn't quite the joy she was obviously feeling.
I remember too, she said the happiest time of her life was when we were little ( babies, toddlers ) and I see that others make a huge fuss over women when they have young ones.
I've noticed too, that dries up as the kids get older and it leads into their difficult transition into adult hood, with the inevitable clash of wills between parent and child .

Perhaps this is when the idea of the 'selfless' part comes into it, when you suddenly realise the joy of children turns into having to cater for anothers' wants and needs other than your own.

we all have a choice, and are all motivated by a desire to make our lives better. So please don't say your decision to have kids is selfless just because you realise what hard work it is after they arrive. - surely if people thought how fortunate and wonderful it is having children, those that did would class themselves as selfish for having such a 'blessing' in their life ?

Solalux, Thank you for that post. I get so tired of the idea that mothers are always "selfless"and those of us who are not are "selfish." I've known plenty of very selfish moms who just use their kids to bolster their own egos, keep them from being lonely, use them as a social ticket, etc. etc. There is nothing inherently selfless about being a parent!

For the original poster - Deciding realistically that you can't provide the type of emotional support a foster kid might need seems to me a very generous and selfless decision. Most parents don't acknowledge their own neediness when they have kids and consequently inflict much emotional damage on their offspring. Perhaps you can still see this girl after she's been adopted as a Big Sister and she'll have even more adults who care about her in her life. I don't know where you're located but there are organizations such as Horizons for Homeless Children who look for adults to come in to shelters and give kids some play time or read to them for a couple of hours a week. It means a lot to them and you can live your life the way you want to. Remember, you are never being selfish by being honest!!

Well, turns out we still have the foster daughter, and now we've added her 3 yr old brother. It's actually working out better than I had thought. Something has clicked inside of me, and I've began to enjoy the whole process of it. So I guess, for now, we can no longer say we are married with no kids. But thank you all for your help. I decided to take a chance, and see what happens, and so far, we're enjoying it quite a bit. thanks so much, Hope

I am very happy for those little ones :-)) I wish you the best.

Hope, may I ask you what changed your mind? You seemed very sure just a few days ago that raising children was not right for you at all. This is a complete turn around and I am just curious.

If this is right for you and the children now have a good home, I am happy for all of you.

Hi Cassie, I'm not sure what really happened. I've been really sick, so it's been hard to enjoy her since we've had her. She is just starting her 3rd week with us. Her brother has been with us 4 nights. I think I started to enjoy seeing her learn from us, and seeing things stick with her, that we taught her. She gets on the school bus and waves real big to me, which makes me feel pretty happy to share what we've been blessed with. To see someone happy to have us in their life, is a nice feeling. I feel for her not getting to have a normal childhood. She's lived in 4 or 5 different families already, and she's only 6 years old. How rotten is that? Her brother, who we recently accepted as well, is 3 yrs old, and she has never met him. She didn't even know she had a brother. Having her brother here, is actually bringing out some very good qualities in her, and is making it easier over all. She has someone to pal around with, and I overhear her teaching him things that we have been teaching her. It's actually quite cute. I've been looking for a great vacation spot for just me & my husband, but now, I'm quite surprised that I am looking forward to taking a vacation with the kids. It's kind of opened up a whole new door, and I'm just curious to see where this leads, and what new fun we can have with it, instead of what we are used to, with just each other. (even though I love time with just my husband, this is new and adventurous, and exciting as well) I can't believe I'm even saying these things, because I was so ANTI-kids before, and I'm 45 years old! I really thought something was wrong with my thinking, before we got these kids. I couldn't understand how people could like kids so much, and me not at all. But something has happened, and my attitude and enjoyment has changed about the whole subject. I used to pray for God to put the motherly desire in me, if it was in his will for me to be a Mother. And I really thought that I would never get that desire. But it's clicked and my eyes have been opened to see the 'fun' part of it, that I guess all those other people, I never understood, see. I really can't explain it.... I'm dumbfounded that I feel this way now. I even think about her all grown-up, and seeing a little part of me in her, that she's learned over the years. It's actually quite comforting. Thanks for asking, Hope

Hope, that is quite a story. It is great that you will keep sister and brother together. It will be the best for both children in the long run.

I do hope that the fulfillment you receive from this experience is enough to sustain you, and that your inner strength is enough to get you through the tough times when things aren't "fun", because those times will come. I also hope that you and your husband have supportive families and friends who are willing to help you out when you need it. You have a long way to go until these children are grown.

I wish you all the best and lots of love with your new family. Take care.

What a great testimony to the human endeavors of the heart and all the possibilities in life~

Thank you GoodMorningSunshine, that means more than you know. And Cassie, thank you as well. Trust me..it's already not "all fun", but there is an inner curiosity that dwells within us, to see how the ups & downs will work their way through our lives and open windows we've never thought of before. Don't get me wrong...there are still many times where I wish we were CF, or actually...just the fact that there are times where I 'miss' being child free. But then there are times that I really do see how this whole experience is enlightening my world. So there are pros & cons of all things, even having children. I don't want to use the word "rewarding", but there is something fullfilling about helping to mold these children, into fine little beings with good self-esteem, that were brought into this world in bad conditions, and being thrown into Child Protective Services & DSHS. These kids don't even know who their real parents are. They actually don't know who to call Mom & Dad..they are completly lost. And someday when I'm gone...maybe I've made a difference and added something positive to their lives and left important things behind, inside them. :-) Hope