BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Apparently, we are either "selfish" or "broken"...

Went to a work BBQ today, had a good time, as per usual. One of my co-workers has a new girlfriend and we were chatting it up pretty nice (her BF and my hubby are both redheads ). Anyway, she mentioned how she thinks it would be great to have red-headed kids. I asked her if she has any red hair in her family that she knows of (explained that red hair is a recessive trait, so it comes from both sides). She said she didn't. Then, she asked if I had red hair in my family and was I expecting red-headed kids? Frankly, these kinds of questions don't really bother me as they do some of you. Most people have kids, kids are a common topic of conversation, I don't freak out thinking they are invading my privacy or anything. I just answered truthfully, "I do actually have lots of red hair in my family, but we decided we don't want to have kids, so I guess we'll never know.

Then she gave a strange reply, "Oh, that's cool. I have a friend like that who doesn't want kids either. She can barely take care of herself and is always so busy, she could never take care of a kid."

...? I'll admit I was a little dumbfounded. What should I say to that? Her statement came out perfectly pleasant without a hint of belittlement, almost like she had complemented me on my shoes. And yet, it stung. I mean, I don't know this friend at all. Maybe she wouldn't be the best mom, or maybe she appears to be busy and "unable to take care of herself" (whatever that refers to) because she doesn't have to take care of a kid. I mean, I let clean laundry pile up on my livingroom sofa because I loathe to put laundry away. Does that put me in the "unable to take care of myself" category? I dunno. Does it imply that I couldn't care for a kid? I'm not sure 3 loads of clean laundry on a couch count as neglect, but I'm not up to date on my child abuse laws.

The best response I could muster up was, "Well, I'm sure I could keep a kid alive long enough to make him a productive member of society, I guess I just don't want to." And, luckily I was quickly saved by someone needing my help with something.

I don't know. It all just leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth. I want people to respect my decision to be childfree because it's what I want. I don't want them respecting it because they think I know I'm ill equipped to parent and we'd all be better off if I didn't reproduce. I know I've read that a few of you state bad/abusive childhoods as one of the reasons you don't want to have kids, but mine was pretty okay. Yeah, my parents were divorced, which is pretty typical of half the people I know. But, my mom rocked, we kids are pretty close, there was plenty of love and lots of laughs. I'm not a drug addict, don't drink much, never been arrested, I'm well-educated, and have a good job... Yeah, I'd say I could raise a pretty decent kid or 2. Can I just not though?

I guess some people take "choose not to" as "cannot, because I'm incapable." I think of it as let people think what they please as long as I'm living the life I intend to with my husband.I think part of being a CFC is accepting that people may view us as : selfish, immature, irresponsible, or troubled. All we can do is educate them, I guess.

Some people cannot fathom people with different ideals/perspectives/thoughts from their own, so they will degrade you in conversation, perhaps unintentionally, because that's the logic they use to justify your stance in their mind. There's no possible way that you could not want kids, so there has to be some reason, i.e. being incapable of taking care of yourself, bad childhood, poor finances, etc., that would justify that kind of thinking. Now, this 'friend' doesn't know you well enough, nor do you this person, so honestly, I would let it go. It's mind boggling when you encounter these situations, so getting your grounding and standing up for yourself seems almost impossible. Me personally? I always have the same answer for them which is I don't want them, never have, never will. If someone were to say to me what this person said to you, I would counter with the fact that I've always paid my bills, bought my own car, pay my rent, work a ton a week, and no one has to support me and hasn't since I was 17 years old, so the person that they know must be a pretty weak individual and shouldn't consider children anyhow, then walk away. OR you could just not say anything and just walk away. I'm more vocal about my ideals, so if I'm disrespected, I will call it out, but some people don't and simply walk away from it. You will always know what a small minded, ignorant person this 'friend' is, so it's up to you how you handle it in the future.

The funniest thing about this is that, in my opinion, it takes a very self-aware, mature person to decide not to bring a child into the world if he/ she isn't 100% committed to the idea. Dare i say most people on this site would make better parents and DO take better care of themselves (and would a child) than many people who decide to have a baby because of societal pressure... And not because they truly "want" to? I am with you, though. People assume I must be a reckless, self-absorbed person because of my decision. I guess if that's what it takes for them to leave me alone... but honestly reckless to me is skipping a pill and paying for 18 years. Sigh.

Me - broken maybe, but who isn't? Not selfish though. Far greener to be childfree.

It really boggles my mind; the whole 'selfish' argument. Like, how can one really claim that we are selfish for NOT bringing tiny humans into this world, ones that we would probably despise or resent in some way and that kid would know, no matter how you faked it? I was reading an article on Oprah.com and one of the posters said that her and her husband had never wanted kids, and have twins now, but that if you have them, and never wanted them, you will regret it. The post was telling because I believe that most people who have kids share the same feelings about it after the fact. You can't take it back, and though you may 'love' your child, there's always going to be something off about it. How is it selfish to NOT put someone through that?

I think you took her response too personal. She wasn't questioning your ability to care for a child. She was just commenting on her childfree friend. I didn't take it as a slight to you at all.

Just like if I say to someone I don't own a white dress and someone says oh I have a friend that doesn't have a white dress either. She's too messy and always spills things on herself. It has nothing to do with me not having a white dress.

She could have said a lot worse she could have done like a lot of people do and ask why and the typical you'll change your mind and stuff like that.

You are neither. You are a person creating the life you want. And you're allowed to do so without being judged, condemned or criticized.

Period.

Please do not allow anyone to make you feel bad. It shows their own ignorance and smallness of character and understanding. Forgive them and move on. Living well--and happily--is the best revenge.

Oh, and what to say in return? You'll be surprised to hear this but the best reply is silence. No matter how witty, clever or stinging, a reply engages you in a sparring battle and reveals your own smallness of character. Say nothing. You are above the pettiness of small-minded people. They do not deserve your energy.

Mostly now, I just wonder about this friend of hers. I wonder if there is actually nothing wrong with her, except that she spends her time doing things that people who have kids don't get to do, like stay out all night, or take a spontaneous trip to Vegas, or stay late at work all week. I want to know what makes her think her friend is so unfit, but I guess I never will. Don't know if I'll ever even see her again. ::shrugs shoulders::

Some women are so into having children, being the "blessings" that they are, that these women are actually the selfish ones not the child-free. It seems to be the only lifestyle that they can see, and like a cult they want to push it onto everyone else. They are entitled to have their babies, but so are we child-free women entitled to the lives we enjoy without children. Good for them, but good for us as well.

I am in agreement that it takes a 100% totally unselfish person to make the decision not to have children. I considered the entire process from baby to adult and I realized that having a child was not right for me. Why bring another life into this world if you cannot commit to it 100%? It does not matter what the reasons are. I commend anyone who chooses not to have a baby after careful consideration. The responsibility is too great not to be given due diligence. Unfortunately a lot of babies are conceived out of irresponsibility or poor planning, and yet this seems to be ok with a lot of people.

My mother loves her three kids and her two grandchildren, but she supports my decision not to have children of my own. Let's face it, kids can be a big pain in the arse sometimes. I have friends with grown kids who are always stressed out because these kids can't take care of themselves yet, and they are in their 30's. My friends have told me that they would not do it over again, and they think I am smart for choosing not to have a family.

It is all fine and dandy to have these babies, but don't tell me there aren't instances of regret. Child rearing is not all it is cracked up to be. You can do everything right and your kid could grow up and still tell you to go screw yourself. Even worse, they could turn out to be criminals. It doesn't matter how good a parent you were. Sure there are a lot of great kids out there, but there are also a lot of selfish, disobedient, irresponsible young people out there as well, all being raised by the same parents who are urging the child-free to have babies too.

Not all of us want to deal with that stress, and there is a lot of stress that comes with the "joy" of raising children. We want to enjoy our lives in our own fashion and we are entitled to do so. We are just as compassionate and giving as anyone else. To insinuate that we are selfish or broken is just wrong.