BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Do you compare your husband to your father?

Whether subconsciously or not, women tend to compare their spouses with their fathers. A little girl's relationship with her father shapes and defines how she sees men and, in particular, the man she marries.

Do you compare your husband to your father? Do you have issues with your father that influence your relationship with your husband?

I have done it in the past. My dad can fix anything. Give that man some bailing wire and duct tape! Hubby didn't always appreciate me saying "my dad could do that". I finally learned just to say "my dad could do that" to myeself in my head!

LOL. I can't resist a man who can fix things. I don't know why but it is such a major turn on for me. So weird.

As for me, I adored my father and for a long time, I would run back to him for advice instead of my husband, who would feel hurt and frustrated. "I'm your HUSBAND," he would say. It took a while, but I made the transition.

But because I had such a love for my father is why I think I'm a good wife to my husband. I believe men are inherently trustworthy and loving because the first man in my life was very reliable and tender.

A few women I know did not have loving fathers and they came to distrust men, including their husbands. One woman who was sexually abused by her father ended up marrying an older man, subconsciously hoping to find a better father figure. Her new husband did not mistreat her but the woman ended up unleashing a lot of her unresolved resentment and rage at him that had been bottled up since childhood when she could not direct her anger at her father.

This is a funny one for me - I didn't get a dad until I was 15 years old. By then I'd pretty much developed my attraction to father figures.

My husband is 5 years older than I am, and when we met, he called me "kiddo." LOL.

I would compare him, somewhat, to my step-dad. But it was on the really superficial stuff; "oh my dad likes to eat that," kind of thing.

When little girls have a less than satisfactory relationship (or nonexistent relationship) with their fathers, they do tend to seek out replacements in their later years. I see it all the time.

But it works for many couples because most men do like to take on that protective role. It is a sure way for them to get what all men want from women: respect. It's an ego thing.

I've always liked older men, too, but my husband is only three years older. He does have a few of my father's great traits. He works hard like my dad who was a workaholic. He is reliable, honest and trustworthy.

I think he's brilliant and funny, and he loves that I think so. When I criticize him, he just shuts down.

This is something I'm only recently coming to understand - but I'm glad I'm finally GETTING it!!! Men don't like to be criticized. Of course, women don't either, but WOW can it send a man really if you do.

That has made a HUGE difference in how I argue with my husband.

Not to my Dad so much - but to my grandfather - yes. He is SO like my grandfather in so many ways. Both didn't finish formal education but are two of the most intelligent people I have met whose lack of qualifications have never held them back, or stopped them thinking they could acheive absolutely anything if they thought about it.

And I totally agree about the critism!! No body likes to be critised - particularly if it is not constructive. But men - oh my goodness!!! Anyway - my husband and I are still learning stuff about each other and how to argue and how not to argue after 10 years! he is very non communicative (like my grandfather) only really says things that need to be said - which I have often found hard. But it is a process. Not about changing each other but about learning, I guess and acceptance of things... I like that quote from AA (I will probably get it wrong as have only seen it on TV - but I like it) - something like "learn how to change the things you can and accept the things you can't".

I think my sister 'married' my Dad - although I think my Dad for whatever faults he has, is still better than her husband - her husband is a shocker. Terrible when someone you are close to makes such a rotten decision in their life!! Man!!! I am quite lucky I live in another country sometimes!!
;-)
Cyn

I compare my father to my husband and my husbands wins hands down. My dad was/ is a good dad, reliable and caring but he is the kind of all fashioned guy absolutely incapable to show affection or say something nice to you. On the other hand, he has no problem telling you all he thinks it is wrong with you and he always does it in a very unpleasant way.

My husband is caring, reliable + has no problem saying" I love you", giving compliments, saying thanks for the little things. Life with him is so much nicer.

I think that women who are self-aware know what they like or dislike, want or don't want, so they choose their mates more consciously than women who are less self-aware.

Women can repeat negative relationship patterns unless they make a conscious decision to break them.

Good for you for choosing a more demonstrative man, Solalux!

And Cynthia, I applaud you for making the effort to understand your husband. Marriage is a lifelong process. But it is well worth it!

And the AA quotation comes from the Serenity Prayer: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference."

I live by that.

No...2 separate men born in 2 different times. His dad and my dad were alot alike(his dad is deceased)in terms of taking care of their families. Unfortunately my husband is of the generation, if you get mad at your boss, you whine and quit - no thought to longevity. Our fathers understood that there were times you had to do what you needed to do in order to take care of your family.

Our fathers came home after a long days work and worked around the house, repairing things, mowing the grass. My husband comes in moaning and groaning talking about he's going to wait until his day off because he needs the rest and then on his day off, he says he needs to enjoy his day off.

Totally different generations here....lol...

When my husband and I were separated I came home from work, mowed the grass, cooked dinner, spent time with the kids and did whatever needed to be done. Now that we are back together he says I should not be out mowing the lawn. But babe, if I don't and you're too tired the grass will look like the jungle it did before I absolutely insisted that he mow yesterday (he was off)