BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids telling family about vasectomy?

hey, as the regulars on here know hubby got his vasectomy. My parents and grandmother know and are generally supportive. HOWEVER, we have several upcoming family events which are to include the extended family; they are the ones who tend to judge ask questions, make comments, etc. If I know my mother she will tell people. Should I ask her to say nothing. Do I respond to questions about when we're having kids with a, "I guess you'll have to wait and see?" I'm getting nervous as I often do for extended family events. My family overall is very loving big Italian bunch, but some of them are very child-centric! I'm only trying to be prepared for the many questions I usually recieve about reproduction. I'm usually good at shutting down the conversation, but it seems as though a new person brings it up each time the family communes.

After almost 5 years of having had my tubes tied, I've found no better way to get people to stop asking the same questions over and over again then by being able to say in one quick sentence, "We aren't having kids, I had my tubes tied." No one keeps asking, pointing out "cute" (or what I assume other people regard as cute considering all babies look identical to me) babies and winking at me, and no one blurts out excitedly, "Your pregnant!" when I announce I have good news.

However, it sounds to me like this is something you want to keep private for some reason. Perhaps you are afraid of the backlash? (This is why my husband refuses to tell his family, so we still get the annoying questions from them.) Me? I'm a rip the band-aid off kind of girl. Let them be disappointed and get it over with, then we can all move on. But, if you want to keep it private, you might want to tell your mom that in case she doesn't know that's your plan. Not that that would stop my mom anyway, she'd just tell the others not to tell me that they know. Ah, the "web of lies" as we like to call it in my family. Good times.

I wish you luck!

-D.

hi, thanks for your post. You know, I actually don't feel the need to keep things private I think it's more like I have no patience for having to give anyone an explanation lol. Like you, i am an up front person. I guess your husbands way can work as well though as eventually you'll come to an age when his family will stop asking..I'm guessing the age to be around 36 or so? I don't know if I could wait that long. I'm thinking that I like your method. what's funny is I just used it last night! It was with a friend's mom, we were discussing lifestyles and she said, " You might change your mind and want a family soon. You're almost 30 how will you freelance with those weird hours with a family?!" And without a thought I said, "well my husband had a vasectomy specifically so we don't need to worry about that and can focus on ourselves and each other!" It shut the conversation down immediately, and on to the next subject we went...lol. Thanks for the encouragement.


P.S. Not only do I have family, My husband and I are a family, so I hate when people fail to acknowledge that!

As a middle class European, reading these posts, I suffer sometimes, I think from cultural shock. To stop being asked at 36 is so optimistic!!!!. In my circle of friends, family, work colleagues, acquaintances in general (a circle that includes people in Spain, Germany and Luxembourg), I have to make an effort to come up with someone (actually two people) who had kids before being 30. And I know more women that had their first child over 35 than under 35. Two of my oldest Spanish friends got pregnant of their second children at the age of 40. I turned 40 last November and I hoped that would mean the end of the questions about when I am giving my son a sibling, which I still got to hear occassionally, but no. On New Years Eve I got the question again.

So if you don't think you can wait that long... I just hope America is that different.

I really never had this problem. Maybe it is because I do not have extended family and my sister had a kid before my mom passed-on. In all of my years being childree, I was only asked once and that was by a neighbor. The way I answered her might have been a little sarcastic but I would have taken a diffrent approach if she would have asked more nicely. I answered her by saying "Well, I'm sorry but my reproductive decisions are none of anyone's business". Point blank!

DOLYN: I would PM you but for some reason I cannot. I think it is disabled. I do not mean to go off topic but was just wondering what type of tubal you got. I am having one on April 20th and my OB/GYN only 'ties' tubes after a c-section. I am having it done thru cauterization. Again, I apologize this is off topic but I cannot PM. Thanks!

I thought "tubes tied" was just a blanket reference to all tubal ligation surgeries. Is that actually for a certain type? Anyway, I had a minilap with cauterization as well. So far so good.

Stormchaser, you remind me of a long-ago Ann Landers reply to nosy questions. "Why on EARTH would you ask me that?" said with a shocked, disapproving expression.

Hi, Solalux. I suppose that I designated 36 as the number because I recently took a child psychology and development class where I learned that the chances of one conceiving a child with downs syndrome rises to about 1 in 20 for a woman 35 and over to 1 in 12 for a woman 40 and over. Given those statistics it's pretty foolish not to think they'd stop, right? I also learned that the US has a much higher mortality rate at birth for mother and child then Europe, so perhaps the care is better in terms of pre-natal intervention across the pond than it is here.

Pre-natal care is great and covered by the Public Health Services. Every pregnant woman over 35 can go and have her amniocentesis done for free to check for chromosomal abnormalities and the like. I have learned a little through my friends and googling (because of them) about the chances of having a down kid and it is usually considered to be 1 in 400 at age 35, 1 in 80 at age 40. Bad, but not as bad as in your class!

I know there are women having children very late in the States too, but I know too there are a lot of women having them very young. I read somewhere that 50 high school girls out of 1000 get pregnant, while in Europe was between 3 and 8 depending on the country (West Europe) So in the States everybody must have known someone from high school that ended up pregnant!!

I have a total unscientific theory: I think Americans are more optimistic and are less afraid of taking risks. In Europe you find a lot more people that will only consider having children when they have finished their university degrees, when they have a good stable position in the work place, when they own a house/apartment, when they have done all the traveling and partying...