BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage MARRIED 1 YEAR-ARE MY EXPECTATIONS TO HIGH?

....I am an older bride (married @ 38) and DH was 39. We got married in December 09' and we originally met online. It was a long-distance relationship with us seeing each other on weekends (he was over an hour away). Even when I would go see him on those weekends (which lasted about 2 years of back n forth) I could count the 'waking' hours we were together (Saturdays was about 8 hours and the same for Sunday), for he worked 2 jobs/7 days a week and still does. With us being Catholic, we decided to not live together before getting married and I am glad we did. I have been in co-habitation situations and they do not work or I would have been hitched YEARS ago... Anyways, this so-called honeymoon phase people talk about was non-existent for us. After the honeymoon, things went back to normal with work and our daily lives. My DH relocated here because I have a house. His drive to work is over an hour ONE WAY and when he works his other job, at least that job is on his way home. We are like ships in the night. Our communication is via cell phone & written notes but once we do have some time together on a Saturday, we do nothing...NOTHING! We also have been arguing more than usual. He is tired and understandably so, but, I do not want to resent him or the marriage is over! It is not even about the sex. It's like I do not see him all week and I am left with all the marriage stuff (house, bills, groceries, cleaning, cooking, laundry and I will even wash his car) and when he is home for more than an hour and wants sex, he makes it like a reward. EXAMPLE: [color:#3333FF]Hi honey I'm home..I don't have to be at work until later and I miss you so lets go upstairs[/color] Please hear me out when I say that I am NOT complaining about the wifely duties like cleaning, keeping house, etc. That's part of being married but our current relationship/situation feels just like we are casually dating! Like we are not even married! Sorry for the long post but as you can see, I am definitely not happy and yes, I've talked to him about it. He continues to say it's money we need, the economy is bad and some people can't even get 1 job let alone have 2, etc. Where is the happy medium here? .

This is my humble thought -

If you do not have a job get at least a part time one or do part time volunteer work out of the house - you need to socialize. Then when you are home and DH is home you can share what happened in your life.

I do work part time and have for the past 4 years. I did work fulltime in the medical field for over 10 years and was miserable and therefore, changed careers. I was even thinking at one point of getting a second part time job to keep my mind and myself busy but DH does not approve. What also makes it hard is that neither one of us have extended family. He has not been on speaking terms with his for a couple years now (reconciliation has failed) and mine are deceased (lost both my mother and father when they were only 59 to cancer). I have one sister and a niece but that replationship has been rocky since our childhood. Both me and my husband are also child-free. I am looking into maybe self-educating myself with some self-help books on Happiness and Well-being but have not been able to find any of interest. Any suggestions?

Hi Stormchaser, thank you for posting. Susan brings up a good point. Do you work?

My thoughts on this are:

1. People rarely see that a long commute has serious impact on the quality of their daily lives. The reality is taxing on mind, body, and spirit. Consider options of eliminating the stress of a long commute either by a. finding a new job (which is yet more stress) or better b. renting or selling your house and moving closer to his place of employment.

2. For the time being, try not to take the whole wham bam sex thing personally. A man under stress needs it. Withholding it will add tremendous stress upon him and make things worse. Just go with it while you make other adjustments to improve your relationship.

3. I congratulate you on not making a big deal out of having to do all the household chores--that is, if you aren't working outside the home. If you are and doing all the housework is tiring, consider hiring an occasional cleaner to lighten your load. People say they can't afford one, but ridding yourself of a stressful burden is worth the cost of a nice evening out.

4. Since he is obviously too preoccupied with work, why don't you plan the Saturday activity? Allow time for sleeping in, if he needs/wants it. Then, tell him you're changing up the pace because it is more relaxing and rejuvenating for him to enjoy new scenery. Plan something fun--and low-cost--to do. He might balk at first but if it is something he is interested in, he'll learn to go with your plans. Baseball game? Museum? Bike riding? Miniature golf? Plan your Saturday date nights! Just don't keep him out too late.

5. Do you have a social circle? Why not plan a potluck with friends? Most women have to be the social organizer for their marriage because men just aren't as social as we are.

6. Offer him a compromise. If you aren't working now, tell him you'll take a day job so he can quit his second job. If that isn't an option, ask him to cut back on hours at one of his jobs. Or at the very least, he can ask for time off every so often so you and he can enjoy some R&R, even if you just stay at home.

7. If you're both seriously faithful Catholics, why not see your clergy for some marriage counseling and advice? Why not pray to God and Christ for some help? They always come through. Pray as a couple and express how you love each other but need some inspiration for how to maintain a close, loving relationship. Listen for your answers. If he is religious, he would put his loving marriage ahead of acquiring money. He would have faith that God always does provide enough and he does not have to work so furiously that he has no time for his marriage.

8. Lastly, try to make the best out of the few hours you have together. Think of yourselves as star-crossed lovers who just can't wait to be together, that he comes to you thoroughly exhausted from working so hard to take care of you and your lives together...

Let him know you appreciate him. The thing is that he lived this workaholic lifestyle with you seeing him only eight hours on Saturday and Sunday--for two years. He probably didn't see why that would change after the marriage. Did you really expect it to?

I think we just assume that once married, our mates will change to new roles and new responsibilities, but future marriage couples really should outline their expectations before they walk down the aisle so there aren't any sobering surprises.

Good luck and come back to let us know how things are going.

There are so many self-help books about happiness and well-being, but the bottom line is that you must follow your passion in whatever you do. Do something that brings joy into your heart. And only you know what that is.

And BTW, you aren't asking too much to want to spend more quality time with your husband.

In my second post, I did say that I work. I also stated that me getting a 2nd job is out of the question because DH does not approve. To answer some of the questions/ideas you mentioned: Asking my DH to find another job closer to where we currently reside is out of the question. He has been at his fulltime job going on 11 years and is vested in the company. He has been at his part time job for 8 years and it is union. He would never leave either one of them with the excellent benefits and pension plan which will help greatly in retirement. It is also not wise to leave a good job when the economy is so bad. Moving is an option and in fact, will hopefully be a reality for us in the near future. Again, the economy is not good and the housing market is not expected to get any better for another 3-5 years (or even longer). We are doing some home improvements not only to enjoy our home while we are here, but also to gain it's value when we do sell. I work in a job field where I can always find work. It is not an issue so moving will not be that stressful on me relocating or finding a new company to work for. Saturday activities are not feasable. My husband works a full 8 hr. day and the one thing we "DO" do is date night. We will go out to eat and thats it. If it included a movie at a theatre, he would fall asleep. If it included a card game, he would fall asleep. He works 7 days a week. Also, just to let you know, he has cut down his hours since we got married but slightly. He use to work his part time job 4 evenings a week and Sundays. Now he works 2 evenings a week and Sundays. Social circle is non-existant. We cannot be social as a couple if we are never seen together. We are also somewhat introverts and it does not help that most of our friends have kids or have moved away. Also, like I stated before, family is not available to us. I know what your thinking, everything that you mentioned I just trampled on but I am telling you the truth as to what is reality for me. I am not saying I will not try some of your suggestions. I am just telling you what is in the "HERE AND NOW".

Oh, no worries. I need to hear what is your here and now in order to help you better. It's difficult for any of us to know the whole picture in only a few posts.

And I didn't see your second post as I was writing mine. They crossed in the timing/posting! Sorry!

Your moving will be a huge step in easing the strain. Thank goodness you can find work anywhere. What a blessing!

You know, the reality of many marriages, whether they are long-distance, military, etc. is that couples find themselves with very little time together. It can make or break a couple. It can make the couple because the spouses don't have time to get on each other's nerves, etc. It can break the couple if they find that they are drifting apart emotionally.

If you can make the most of your time together by simply enjoying each other, even if it is a nice evening meal out (believe me, a lot of couples don't even do that and they have lots of time together!) you can be okay as long as you are fulfilled in who you are.

My husband traveled quite a lot early in our marriage. It was tough. I was able to spend time on myself. Self-development etc. So I didn't miss him quite as much because I was absorbed in my own interests. What about looking at the BellaOnline website and see if you can become an editor here, writing about a topic you feel passionate about. The BellaOnline staff helps you learn the ropes about web writing and you just might find yourself with some great new online friends and a new career!

Back to your hubby. Do you really need the money badly or do you think he is overly concerned about finances? Do you think he is a workaholic? Can you live with that or do you think someone could talk him into relaxing just a bit? My father was a workaholic. We just got used to seeing him for only a few hours a day. Not easy on the family, but workaholic men have this inner drive. A counselor can discuss how he can to believe he needs to overwork but frankly many workaholics don't give up their habits easily because of the reward (pay) that quells any fears (lack of money).

If you can move, it will make a huge difference!

[quote=Lori Chidori - Marriage]There are so many self-help books about happiness and well-being, but the bottom line is that you must follow your passion in whatever you do. Do something that brings joy into your heart. And only you know what that is. And BTW, you aren't asking too much to want to spend more quality time with your husband. :) [/quote] This is kind of hard for me because it is like starting over. My home life was set when I took over my childhood home when my parents passed away. I loved mowing the grass, the gardens, sitting on the back porch or hanging out on the pool deck. That was shattered when my own sister (who is married to a well-to-do businessman) threatened to take me to court if I did not sell the house and give her half of the money. That forced me out, I bought a large townhome and now have no access to doing any of those things because I do not own the land. I also loved to ride my motorcycle and had to sell it due to the economy. Even if I saved the money to purchase another one, I have no where to keep it. We do not have garages here, only assigned parking spots in a cul-de-sac. Now that I am married, I had a new outlook on things. New hobbies and activities to do with my DH, etc. The only thing we have as a permanent activity is our date night and thats it. Going back to doing the things I loved before I was married is like being single again and doing these things without companionship. Is this something I should seriously consider doing? Even though I am married, live the life I lived and do the activities I did like when I was single?

Well, what does those activities have to do with being single? You're already pretty much on your own when he's at work. It's not as though you're going out on the town, dancing and carousing around looking for other men, right?

Absolutely do what brings you joy.

Many wives think that once married, they must be joined at the hip to their spouses. It is nice to do things together but when, for some reason, you can't, you must make do.

Your marriage could benefit from your becoming joyful and excited about doing the things you loved when you were single. Surely, your independent spirit is something your husband was attracted to. You don't need to change now that you're married and become this dependent woman who just sits around, waiting for her husband to come home in order to come alive again (I say this because I did this for years!)

Look forward to your date nights and pursue your own interests again. For one thing, you'll have more interesting topics to talk about when you are with your hubby again. He just might get interested in some of the. Look forward to getting another bike in the future...when you move and have more space. Save up money. Start shopping around. Go back to school!

Yes, yes. Don't wait around for him to come home to start enjoying your life.

Can you share with me what kind/type of self-improvement, self-development and activities you did?