BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids people BLINDLY having kids w/o resources...

Years ago I had a very close friend who had recently gotten married. Her husband made enough money for the two of them and she was a homemaker.Still,there was not much disposable income as he was young and had just finished trade school. Things for her were going fine. now she and her husband ALWAYS had unprotected sex. I would warn her, "You like your lives, but you're going to make things VERY difficult for yourselves if you continue to be irresponsible. So as nature would have it she ended up pregnant. I was so disappointed in my friend, she had grown up in a less than ideal situation and had found a nice husband with whom she could have a decent life. She and I stopped speaking after I firmly told her not to cry to me when she and hubby couldn't afford to eat. Anyway, we reconnected. i'm sure that it took alot for her to tell me this. she said, "MissTalia,I was so upset with you after we last spoke, but you were SO right. Even with our families helping we could barely afford food to feed our now two children. Meanwhile instead of being home with my little ones I had to go work at Wal-mart and we still struggled terribly.My marriage was suffering and we fought constantly. we couldn't even afford to go to the movies. The only option we had was to leave our house before the bank foreclosed on it." Although, I didn't want to be right about my friend and I'm happy to report she and her family now are in an apartment, her husband got a raise, she is again home with her little ones, and they FINALLY can afford to eat! I posted this because I feel as though many people blindly have kids thinking it will fall into place but it never does. Our tax dollars surely pay for some of this..I'm not complaining I am a liberal, but I wish people would be smarter, and not live in denial. Society doesn't seem to flinch at the billions of people living this way (as a matter of fact it seems like many regard this lifestyle as acceptable, UGH!) others refuse to learn from their mistakes. Yes, those who want kids I'd hope would be aware of the sacrifices, but many of them seem like their in the dark and end up broke with unhappy marriages and lives!

Yes, completely understand! A friend of mine who is pregnant with her first child said "we would love to have 3, but only if we can afford it financially"....excuse me? She is not swimming in money and both her and her husband WORK decent jobs, not top-notch careers. They have a decent life but unless they make wayyyy more their quality of life will go down for sure.

Sadly, I know of a woman who was in school and wanted to become a nurse. But she got pregnant, so what did she do? She quit school, became a stay-at-home mother and had 3 more children!! Yep, that is her "career", and she's only 35. Needless to say they can barely afford food because her husband is at minimum wage. Sometimes she has to borrow money and is literally counting her pennies each month.
No thank you. Whatever I have left as surplus each month I want it for ME!

Amen, Gullivera! I am not criticizing those who choose to have kids, but in the case of your nursing student friend, she had the chance to make a better life for her AND future kids, and chose not to. I'm all for helping the people but come on, they have to help themselves as well!

I had a friend but instead of just unprotected sex, she got pregnant 2 months after marrying her husband. They'd just bought their apartment, and managed to get jobs, then she got pregnant without seeing if their finances would cover their life. It barely managed to keep just the two of them afloat, and sometimes they'd have to skip paying certain bills. So it was obvious it wasn't time to have a child, but apparently it was for her. After her son was born, her husband fell apart, he went into the mental ward twice, and eventually they got evicted and are now living with her in-laws. She doesn't work becuase she's a "stay-at-home-mom" which for me, I just don't agree with at all. But it's her life, if she's happy living with her in-laws so be it. I think what she should've done is waited until their lives had stabilized, and they'd gotten comfortable in their marriage before popping out a kid. That's just me. I know she wanted a kid, and she want's another, but the least she could've done is stabilized her life for the sake of any future offspring.

they deserve at least that.

Yikes, that's a tough one. Thank God for her family support. I mean if you're both struggling that bad A. Don't move out. B. Maybe you need to go to school so you can have a trade/skill/degree and not be broke. C. If you add a child into the mix, then you're crazy. That's actually sad that her husband had a breakdown. Now I was raise by a stay at home so I think they're the best thing when a kid is really little, but if you know hubby is mentally unstable you should also know that you'll probably need to work. was he always having mental issues? are the drug related? Asking because maybe he's eligible for SSI or disability benefits.

I don't know if he was always mentally unstable Misstalia, after her son was born he had a nervous breakdown. Then I'd say less than a month later, he tried to kill himself. I don't think these were issues while they were dating, if they were, she never said. She may have written off his Bi-polar tendencies to just being a guy or something. Either way, I'm rather shocked they didn't notice some Bi-polar symptoms at the very least somewhere along the line.
He seems to be doing okay now, he has a job and all but it took him more than a year to get stable enough to get a job. As for disability, I'm not sure if he's getting it, probably not. I know she however is receiving welfare at the very least.
I just think she should've judged the situation better, and being a stay-at-home mom through the year he wasn't working wasn't really that wise either.
My mother was a single mother, no option to stay home, and even if that was the option I doubt she would've. She can barely sit still five seconds without getting up and having to do something. Staying at home would drive her mad lol.

I'm so with you guys on this. I hear people talking about how expensive it is raising their children, but they always have satellite TV, big TVs, bigger houses than they need, 2 cars, money for wining and dining or being ladies who lunch. Yet they are receiving child benefit (it isn't means tested in the UK), which means my taxes are paying for all their luxuries, luxuries that I myself cannot afford! On what planet is any of that right?

I see people having their first child then trying to live the life they lived before, expecting parents to babysit at a moment's notice, playing on the fact that the parents won't want to say no to them, even though they don't actually want to babysit so often. Some of them are having their rent or their mortgage paid for by their parents. Yet these same people will be heard getting clucky for a second child, despite currently relying on many others (financially, emotionally and time-wise) to be able to raise the one that they have. Do they consider what they'll do if their parents die? Not a nice thought of course, but worth considering before having a second child.

I know men who cannot support their family but won't accept a better paid job (for which they are fully qualified and experienced) because it's just "not right for them". Well tough! Plenty of men (and women) go out and do jobs that they don't actually like to earn the money needed to raise their children, that's part and parcel of the sacrifice you make when you have children, you no longer have the right to be idealistic about what work you will do or what companies you will work for, you have to provide.

I really don't understand some parents, I just don't. Why have children if it's all about you?

Misstalia said: " feel as though many people blindly have kids thinking it will fall into place but it never does. Our tax dollars surely pay for some of this..I'm not complaining I am a liberal, but I wish people would be smarter, and not live in denial." Well, as someone who has chosen not to have children, partly due to financial concerns, I AM complaining. We have now chosen to subsidize this class of people who wade around in the lower income bracket with the help of gov't programs as a way of life for decades. I hear about "the poor" all the time and how we can't cut spending on programs that serve them. Ahem, and WHY are they poor? For all the reasons and bad choices outlined in the posts above, as well as a host of others. As a woman who has taken up the responsibility for my own life and reproduction so as not to burden others and myself unduly, I'm truly at a loss to have any sympathy for those who choose to do the same. I think we have forgotten that in the vast majority of cases, pregnancy is OPTIONAL and birth control is CHEAP. A woman is only trapped by motherhood if she becomes pregnant.

But, sometimes birth control fails and depending on the type of birth control, it can be pretty expensive. And, a woman is only trapped by motherhood if she chooses not to have an abortion. Unfortunately, there are many women (even in the U.S.) that don't have easy access to a safe procedure. Between the various states's "24 four hour waiting period" rules, parental consent laws, lack of close providers, and various other deterrents, some women who would opt to have an abortion end up unable to because of all the hoops they have to jump through.

To make things worse, there is no govt. funding for abortion, which I think is totally ridiculous. The govt. funds all kinds of programs loads of people don't agree with, but for some reason this one isn't okay? I had a friend in high school who ended up pregnant, but was too afraid to tell her parents. She thought she'd be able to come up with the money for an abortion before they could find out, but by the time she did she was too far along to have it done. Had I known, I would have tried to help her out myself (she did a good job of hiding it). So, she ended up having the baby and giving it up for adoption.

There needs to be less of a taboo on abortion in this country, and funding for those women who want one.

I think it was catluvgal that said that quote. However, I thought anyone could get condoms or birth control through their local clinic if need be. I also thought the abortion could be funded by government! Are you sure it isn't, Dolyn? I didn't realize the laws in some states. I live in a liberal state for the most part so we don't really have the parental consent law.