BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids LIFESTYLES OF THE CHILD-FREE

Hello, I am in my late 30's and recently married for the first time to my 40 yo husband who has been married before. He is coming to terms about my decision to be CF and knew of this possibility when we started dating and still married me. I am having a hard time now deciding on lifestyle, activities, interests, etc. My husband keeps himself busy by working 2 jobs (which is a blessing, for some ppl cannot even find 1) and enjoys relaxing at home with the TV and model building. As for me, it is like a new discovery chapter in my life. Both of my parents are deceased (both died of cancer at the age of 59) and we do not have a relationship with his family. I have a yonger sister who is married with my 8 yo niece but that relationship has always been rocky since our teenage years. So, in a nutshell, I am alone. Now reality is setting in that it is only me and my husband. There are some activites I am interested in but are financially impossible (like riding Harley's, horses, etc.) or our living situation does not allow it (living in a townhome limits me to no gardening, mowing own lawn, landscaping). I know of some co-workers who are CF but live extravagant lives. One breeds french bulldogs having the huge motorhome for travel, etc. and another goes to the shore and camping every weekend in the summer. A gay couple I know live with one if their elderly parents and pay hardly any bills (no mortgage, etc) and they go on extravagant vacations, cruises and spend their summer going to an array of music concerts. I am in a rut and hope you guys can give me some ideas.

If you are a frustrated gardener, you might volunteer at an arboretum. You might also find opportunities to garden at nursing homes, with the county extension office, or parks and rec.

Do you have riding experience? See if there is a stable near you where they might need somebody to work with the horses. If you like animals, volunteer at a shelter.

If you like kids, just don't want any full time, help a kid learn to read or be a big sister.

Are you interested in genealogy? Take classes at a library. They have the software there to let you get started.

Do you like to write? I ask because your post is so well-written. Check out the open sites at BellaOnline. At any given time, there are many sites that need an editor. If you have a passion for a subject, the skills to write, and time each week for a website, this may be your answer.

Keep an open mind to many possibilities! Good luck in your search!

Hi Stormchaser. I think you need to sit down with some paper and make lists of things you like to do, and things you'd like to learn about. I am CF and live extremely frugally - and i have a ton of things i love to do.

You mentioned gardening - you can get into houseplants and propagating them (a great many you can root for free), you can do container gardening with flowers and veggies, or get into bonsai (buy a small juniper shrub and learn to train it bonsai style).

Do you like aquariums or pets? Not everything has to be fluffy and high maintenance - there are all kinds of interesting creatures you can check into, like dragon lizards, turtles, aquatic frogs, chinchillas, rabbits and guinea pigs.

Do you like art, music, the outdoors, photography, learning computer skills, learning languages (like sign language), studying religion, yoga, meditating, martial arts, reading, writing, singing, dancing? Are you involved in your community? Do you volunteer?

I can help you better if you list a few things you enjoy. Then we can think about how to handle your interests on a budget!

What about volunteering? If I had the time that's definitely what I would do. What about taking a class, learn to play an instrument. learn a new language?

I like meetup.com A friend told me about it a few years ago. I lived in NYC for 6 months and while I was there I volunteered at a soup kitchen that I found through the site.

You can find different groups into the same activities you are interested in.

You can also look in craigslist. They have a section for activities and groups, you can join ones that interest you.

While my husband and I do like to travel, our work schedules don't permit it very often. Mostly, we live pretty simply. The main things we like to do is spend time with our friends. We do game nights, Trivia on Wednesdays, BBQs at people's houses, etc.

Also, yes, we do have separate hobbies. He's a computer geek and loves his video games. I'm an avid crocheter, and I like to read. My works has been pretty crazy lately, but it's going to calm down in the next few months. I've always loved to sing (was classically trained when I was younger), and I have plans to join a local (non-church) choir when I get a chance. I've already met a few people in it through a friend, and I'm looking forward to it. Also, one of my best friends, who is also childfree, joined a roller-derby league about a year ago. I've been to a few of the games, and it looks like a ton of fun. Too bad I have a bum ankle from an old injury. Her husband plays hockey for his company's league.

Solo hobbies are good, but I think hobbies that get you out with other people are good too. Again, I like people. I like to sing and I'm pretty good at it, but my fondest memories of being in a choir were the times I spent with my friends. It was a way for me to be social. I don't know if everyone (or anyone) would agree with me on this, but I don't think it's healthy to do EVERYTHING with your spouse. You can't just rely on one person for all your human interactions, or you'll begin to drive each other nuts.

I think this is a great question though. I'm really interested in what other people like to do also. I hope I've helped. Harleys and horses are indeed expensive, but a pair of roller skates or a goofy bow tie and sequins vest (the singing groups uniform) isn't nearly as pricey, but it's still a lot of fun.

-D.

My husband and I like to cook together and also love to travel, but that's a once or twice a year thing (the traveling). I'd be really bummed and lonely if hubby had more than one job! Does he financially need to do this or can you downsize? Only saying because you only have one life and one (hopefully) marriage and it's important to nurture it. As CFs you only have each other.

I thank you all for your responses and, indeed, I have tried some of your suggestions but without success. I was a volunteer for the oldest 501 non-profit in the country which started in the 1800's. It is a retirement facility for aged equine (horses) on over 350 acres. I enjoyed it for a while but became depressed. It was either because it brought back memories of my youth which I cannot continue due to financial issues or it was being told on occasion of a horse that has passed on or had to be put down. That did not last long. I also live in a rural area and most volunteer opportunities are in the big cities. The closest big brother/big sister chapter is over 40 miles away! As far as my husband is concerned, he worked 2 jobs when I met him and would not ask him to leave or downsize his income now that we are married. I was alone for years, very independent, etc., and when we were dating it was a long-distance thing seeing each other only on the weekends. The difference is that when we were dating, that was specifically "OUR" time. Now that we are married, when he comes home he takes a shower, eats dinner and then bed. He works weekends as well. I cannot expect him after standing all day for 10-12 hours to want to take a walk with me after dinner or go food shopping. If he wants to work on one of his models, I cannot say anything because he works hard and if thats what he wants to do to de-stress and relax, so be it. Just confused :(

Storm chaser, did you see my post with the questions for you? I can help you better if you can tell me your interests.

Would you feel comfortable talking to your husband about this? Maybe date night would be something that you guys would enjoy.

Reading some of the articles on the Marriage site might be helpful. The editor there has some great and creative ideas.

I understand you don't want to ask him to change his lifestyle, but it doesn't seem like he has much of a life and it seems like you're really lonely. Just like a plant that you don't water will die so will a marriage that is not nurtured. You'd better talk with your husband. I hope it works out for you.