BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage is it okay to come second or third to your husband

I was recently told by DH that I am the third thing in his life. His code/development/creative interests come first. Then his mother. Then me. At least I come before his sister and niece.

Is this typical? Should this bother me?

I think for a man that is kinda reasonable. If he had said you first would you have believed him? As for mothers, depends on the mother I guess.

Is it okay... I would have trouble saying yes. But is it normal, definitly. Somedays, I don't even think my husband likes me...

I guess it's okay then. At least he is honest. He has about five things he cares about in life - so I am happy to even be ON the list.

Molly, I do like my hubby and he does like me, but I am not sure if he loves me much. He says he does, but i think it's more like a sibling feeling than a spouse thing.

Do other people feel this is okay in their marriages - to not come first? Is the idea of coming first really some kind of unrealistic fairytale?

No. A great deal of doors that could have been walked through aren't opened or crossed in taking vows seriously.

It's hard to put into words, but definitions of how a person (husband or wife) comes first are significant too in whether or not a person feels they come first. Also, to consider is sometimes a spouse just can't come first, like when you're just on mental overload, even if it goes on for months, even a year or so. But what are you 2nd, 3rd in line for 4th place to? Of upmost importance, you're a living breathing beautiful Soul, that someone married and made promises to.

I remember when I first thought I'd be able to juggle Mused. I wanted to so badly, but man emotionally I just couldn't.

But, there was a black and white photo I happened to see. I think the person who took it was looking for constructive criticism??? It's been so long...like maybe a year, but I remember it. It made my stomach tight.

Anyway, my comment was different than the others who complimented it greatly. I said something like it's too...something I felt I'd see more of in a doctors office or a NY upity apt. Too structured or controlled? It just felt so cold??? Perfection. I don't know. I just remember the photo.

To come 2nd or 3rd and depending on what for, there's no two ways about it, it's lonely. Especially if you're someone in tuned with nature. So much beauty there. Those types of people feel everything, just everything. They work in balance and harmony, they don't waste, in general and are very outside of the box thinkers and creative themselves.

If someone comes 3rd or 4th, each one of those placements comes with them other emotions, demands, comittments and eventually even more people.

Sometimes it's one of those things where if a spouse just tells you where you rate, it makes them feel free to do what they want because they told you how it is. Just NO or more importantly, just why?

Besides there's significance in being with someone who places you last on their list, regardless of what number it is.

People get confused and worried because they believe there is one acceptable definition of marriage. If you have religious beliefs that define marriage, then of course, by all means, follow those dictates.

But for those who aren't bound by such beliefs, understand that you and your mate are the ones who define your marriage. You decide what is acceptable or not. Are you satisfied with your mutual understanding of marriage? Come to a happy agreement. Your coupling is the result of free will. You choose each other and how you want to define marriage.

Coming third to your mate? How does that make you feel, Jill? As one who knows the artistic urge, you might feel that he would not come before your creative and intellectual growth. Would you choose him if that meant you could never ever create or study new things? As for coming second to his mother...that wouldn't sit well with any wife. However, I have to admit that the mother-child bond is probably the strongest on earth. We divorce easily and wave good-bye to spouses but rarely ever to the one who incubated and bore us. But you're comparing apples to oranges: A love for a mother is very different from love for a mate!

You have to decide if you are okay with what people offer you. Some people are incapable of offering love in the way we need or want it. Some people simply do not care to offer love to us in the way we need or want it.

Men and women stay in relationships because they feel they are receiving something--and sometimes, it isn't even love--in return.

When the balance is dissatisfying, you need to ask or state what it is you want or need from the relationship. The other person decides if he can or wants to give it or not. You need to decide if you're okay with his decision. If not, you can try to work it out during counseling sessions because people often change their minds when they grow a little or experience effective communication.

But are you getting what you want from your marriage? If not, what are you getting from it? Is it enough?

And then, the obvious question you need to ask yourself: "Do I love him? Do I love him enough to stay in a less-than-ideal marriage?"

Oh, gosh. As usual, I went off a long tangent!

My answer is that 1. Coming first to your spouse is not a fairytale; but 2. Coming third can be fine, depending on what are numbers 1 and 2!

Thanks, Lori. I would not want to give up learning and growing for anything or anyone, and would not consider it fair if it was asked of me.

As far as coming in after someone else...it's an interesting question. Do i have anyone that comes before him, to me? I guess not. So it is a tad uneven here.

But remember to compare apples to apples! His love for his mother can't be compared to his love for his wife. Different types of love.

YOU are the love (as in lover, wife, mate) of his life.

I know you have a long distance relationship. But if you read throughout history, long distance marriages worked. Think about seafaring men or explorers who went on years-long journeys. Cowboys. Military men. Artists and religious men who went on solitary retreats. Scientists. Writers. Political ambassadors. Missionaries. They all have to have very patient and independent wives who can handle long periods without their men.

But Jill, if you're feeling lonely and crave more physical companionship, can you schedule in more visits with him?