BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage is it okay to come second or third to your husband

I think ranking humans is inherently difficult. Is child one somehow more important than child two? Really, they are important in different ways. If you do not have kids, try ranking pets. Hopefully it presents the same challenge. Yes my boyfriend is important but I have only been with him 16 years. My sister has relied on me for 40.

Pets are easy. In this order: Cameron, John Crichton, MeiMei and Charles Tucker. And I adopted out Samwise and Logan.

Anyway, I am getting out. I would not mind someone who put me first.

You give me hope that one day this will happen to me.

Do you have any tips for me? It has been 3 years and I am still struggling with me. And by this I mean, knowing how to have a "healthy" balance. 16 years, that means something is working. How long did you date before you guys moved in together if you dont' mind my asking? It was 2 years for me.

Jilly, I am so sorry.

Are you guys sure this is the what you both want?

I was never first in my husband's life, nor were our 5 children. His job was #1; he was a prof. at Notre Dame, and I always felt that ND was the "other woman" in our marriage. I was a distant second and the kids hardly seemed to matter at all. Notre Dame finally won out, and I left him 30+ years ago.
We are still friends though, and to my amazement he told me the other day, out of the blue, that his biggest regret is that he didn't involve himself more with the kids when they were growing up. I often thought that he missed out on so much by spending every minute possible at ND; that he finally realizes it after all these years is so sad.

Dear Jilly -

It shows how we are all fascinating, different types of people! I could not rank my pets. They are both fully loved and of equal value in my mind. So that is just a different mindset.

Lisa, I automatically rank everything that comes into my domain. I don't know why - never thought about that before. And yes, this means everything, including you.

Maybe it's an Aspergers, or a compulsive thing. I find it comforting to rank everything.

Angela, let me re-read over your posts and give you my thoughts.

Jilly,

Have you considered Alimony? I'm not talking about wiping someone out, but just the basics, like rent payments, even just $100-$200/mnth, so you at least have food or income say something goes wrong w/a car or roof over your head of wherever it is you're living.

If he was the sole income-provider, you may be able to work something out while you're getting on your feet, like 1-2 yrs. car/house payments.

If there's any type of debt, usually, they have people split it (if it's amicable 50/50).

Some sides chose to act as the bigger person by saying, "I don't want anything...take it all, I'll even take over any outstanding deb." to avoid financial responsibility over the long-haul. Whatever they "gift" you can be presented as income though, keep that in mind.

All of this is stuff I never would ever have thought about (I'm not material by a long shot!) if I hadn't gone through some of this myself.

I was putzing along going "Wow...what a nice gesture." On his part, the actions were simply to keep me calm, distracted & uninformed.

The goal was getting an end set up to be detached from everything. He'd already been starting to. I just didn't know the scope of it.

Take your time Jilly, you are going through a lot right now.

I totally understand, believe me.

Hugs,
Angela