BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Why do we choose child free ?

H everyone, I found this site about 6 months ago, and I have been amazed to find that almost everything I read strikes a real chord with me.
Wether it is EXACTLY what I was feeling/ thinking, or I completely empathised with the situation someone was in.

Many of you have noted that the reasons we wish to be childfree come into two main categories;
financial and / or emotional.
I believed since forever, the reason I didn't want kids was financial. - how could I ever support a child, when there is never enough money at the end of the month etc. etc.
But honestly, since posting here, I've come to believe this is just a reason we give ourselves ( for example, how many women in their late teens, twenties, have kids with no means of support, let alone a job ?)
so surely if the need was inside us to have children, money wouldn't be an issue.
And the emotional argument ? Well, just look around at the looney tunes that punch out kids time and again... I rest my case.
Then I think to myself, are we just more intelligent than these others, having thought more deeply about the implications of childbirth, and raising offspring ?
I discounted this, as i know many intelligent women with kids ( nice thought though ;-)
Anyway. I was watching a documentary on Jane Austin the other week, and was again struck by how similar she seemed to us all. She rejected a marriage because she didn't love the man, and she had pitied other women bogged down with many children, calling them ' those poor animals '.

Soooo. My question is this. Is the reason we wish to be childfree, a result from our childhood, or some other reason.
I've just read Audrey and Jens account of their younger lives, and mine is very similar.
- If we wanted anything we were expected to get a part time job for it. we started chores young (10 yrs )- I ironed on a saturday, cleaned on a sunday, and my sister did the dishes all week while I dried them. I'm not saying we weren't loved, but I was aware we were a bit of a burden. My dad wasn't interested, he had a tough job, and at nights just wanted to sleep.
I'm not complaining. Like Jen I think it gives you a desire to cope when you're older, and an understanding how to do it.
However, I've sometimes watched mothers hug their children, showering them with utter devotion, and watched it feeling quite detatched, wondering what that must be like. - from the viewpoint of the child.

I then, out of interest, googled Jane Austen, and found out she is sagittarius, and in chinese horoscopes, she is a horse.

I am Aquarius, and also the year of the horse.

So, to clarify my question to you all, I'm wondering if there is a link that makes us how we are, wether from past experience, or cosmic...( I don't mean to go all Klingon on you )or are we just a pretty wonderful group of people, all different, and don't want kids 'just because ?'

There's also the fact that we are breeding ourselves off the face of the planet. There are now seven billion humans on a planet not really capable of supporting half of that at a reasonable level of safety and comfort. Not to mention the effects we are having on our fellow non-human planet dwellers

Hi Gaynor8002, I just did my first post and there you are posing an interesting question! Great minds eh! Well I think you may be on to something, I can relate to your sense of being a burden and having to do the dishes etc, I actually had an ok upbringing and do love my parents and see they have unconditional love for me, both in their unique ways, but also from my father got told I was a nuisance, to 'buzz off' as he was tired from work, viewed as a 'pain in the neck', phrases like this were normal, and I very much felt he was a not someone who naturally was a good father although he has his good points, he never raised a hand to us and is a very solid worker/provider but only to a certain point, not lavish, but yeah got the sense that he didn't like me; loved me but not liked me.. and mostly adored by my mother. Mum&dad also both being older than average parents in my day, were brought up with the 'children should be seen and not heard' philosophy, and never played with or catered to the way parents are expected to these days, I mean its just incredible how children are worshipped and when I see a father and daughter holding hands or she runs and jumps into her fathers arms, I shudder and become very angry and sad that was not what was normal for me, and I missed that alot, and get jealous and the way they are let to do so many things now and I was never allowed and I would never have been allowed to scream at nothing!!! and the parents just respond as if it is perfectly normall!!! I got in trouble for screaming when I was 3yrs old and there was a spider on my shoulder and I got sent to bed as if I had commited a crime!!!! I find it off putting how parents spend their whole time catering to the kids, I was made to play in the backyard and use my imagination!! Not run round like a taxi all weekend! When i ask my friends what their doing for the weekend they say nippers etc etc all about the kids, when I grew up I had to fit into an adult world not the other way around. Also I had to wash up and do some chores, actually it got less as I got older but still..I worked from 16 and always had to pay most things by myself.. So maybe all this does have an effect!!! True True!!

I think my choice to be child free has a lot to do with my parents, specifically my mom. Although I had a happy childhood, and my mom was very caring, that changed as I got older. When I moved out (1800 miles away) my mom kind of became less and less involved in my life. It took a while to realize it since I was fairly young and my husband (then boyfriend) and I were focused on our careers, paying bills, etc. Following my parents' separation a couple of years after I moved away (my dad moved nearby) it has only gotten worse, and after many conversations with my sister (who has also chosen to be child free) we have come to the conclusion that our mom never wanted kids. It may be irrational to think that I would wind up being like my mother has become, I still think that there's a chance that it could happen. I have never had a strong desire to have children, but knowing that there's a chance I could alienate my child at some point makes me that more sure of my choice to be child free.

I was a bit of a spoiled only child, so the complete opposite of your upbringing, basically, Gaynor! :) I never had to help out much around the house or anything or look after other kids. Maybe that has something to do with it... no other kids around, not in my family, anyway, until I was 10 and my only cousin was born. I did play with kids in the neighbourhood and my parents' friends' kids, but in general, I always thought other kids were weird, like "little animals" as I spent so much time around adults. I still feel that way a bit, especially with younger children, like I have nothing in common with them and they don't really interest me at all. I do believe as well, that most of us here do think about the pros and cons of childbearing more than the average person - this may not make us more intelligent, although some of those single mothers with no money you mention, Gaynor, I'm sure could do with a brain cell injection!

Gaynor8002: Ran across this string and just had to respond! I am the author of Families of Two: Interviews with Happily Married Couples Without Children by Choice. I interviewed over 100 couples nationally and since book publication talked to hundreds more cf and what you describe as it being an emotional decision at its core is certainly what I have found. It starts with that level of desire. The objective reasons support the emotional. If we want kids we believe we'll have enough money, for example. As far as its roots, it sure can be a result of upbringing, but also a personality that popped out at birth such as a high level of independence or valuing the experience of freedom. Others just intuitively feel that parenthood is not their forum for lessons in this life, or being a parent will not fulfill them. The source can be one thing, or a combination on many levels. Everyone is different--it is yours to explore! ~Laura

Wow, that's really interesting Laura.
I must say, I never really gave the reasons why I didn't want kids much thought til I found this forum, and as I say, the question that continually popped into my head was why are we all so similar ? I began to think there must be a common thread somewhere.

Firegirl, the fact you were an only child probably made you more independant ?
Plus, my experience is the same, re the lack of other children around. I am the youngest in my family. my close uncle didn't have kids and my dad is the youngest by 7 years, from his 8 siblings ( my gran had 12 kids, from 2 husbands )so no really close aged relatives there.
so. no babies around, even when I went to college, I lost touch with my friends from school, and none of my subsequent friends had kids where I was around them much.

I also agree with you Ninja, about the over population, - and many other concerns about our planet, - but is this just another reason we give ourselves not to have kids ?
Surely our thinking would be 'one more child won't impact greatly on the world problems.'
Just look at the Chinese, who created the 'one child only' rule to combat this very problem. they didn't say don't breed, just don't have ten....

Like firegirl, I was a spoiled only child. Also, I put my parents through hell during my teens, which I see now had a lot to do with my "high level of independence" and for "valuing the experience of freedom" (to quote Laura), which my parents (and adjacent family) did not appreciate. Lately I have been coming to the conclusion that being CF, among other decisions I had to make - and keep! - that went "against the grain" have to do with the fact that I've always gotten it my way. I'll elaborate. In the last year, three of my female friends got married, and it surprised me that I heard the same thing from all of them: "We didn't really want to have a big wedding, but my mom/grandma/mother-in-law wanted us to have one so bad, we gave in." Yes, they each said that to me, and they don't know eachother at all. So they went through planning and paying for the ceremony, supposedly because someone else wanted them to. I'm still not sure whether they in fact wanted a ceremony but wouldn't admit to it, or if they just weren't up for confronting people to have it their way. The husband and I didn't want to spend any time or money in a big ceremony, so we didn't. We put the money to what is, in our opinion, better use (downpayment on a house, six months off living in Europe, etc). A lot of people felt entitled to confront us about it, telling us we were selfish for not throwing a party, but we didn't give in. I won't be surprised if in a couple of years those friends of mine tell me "We didn't really want children, but our parents wanted grandkids so bad, we just gave in."

I don't want kids for a number of reasons, but the biggest one overall is that my husband and I are both totally happy just being a couple. This hasn't changed in 12 years of marriage or 14 years together.

I don't like kids, it's as simple as that. I hate kids, it's not to say I'm incapable emotionally of taking care of one. I use to babysit when I was in high school, I just don't like kids. The questions, the non-sense babbling about nothing in particular, the rebellious years as a teenager, the stay up at all hours worrying myself sick. Nah, my time, money, and emotions can be spent in more PRODUCTIVE ways. Like, volunteer work, or donating to charities.

I will NEVER say that my choice not to have kid is linked to my up-bringing, no matter how "horrible" anyone else thinks it is, I was lucky. Lucky my mother and my grandparents cared enough to instill in me some morals, values, and if it meant I had to get the occasional spanking or pop in the mouth to do it, so be it. Because without it, I wouldn't be the person I am today, and I'm pretty darn happy with who I am now. I owe that to my parents for teaching me the lessons I needed to live my life. I owe my mother and my grandparents the biggest thanks and all my love.

However, if I did have a child, it'd be raised in a similar manner and might actually grow up to be a well respected individual. I don't have any doubts about that, I just hate kids, not to mention who's to say they'll ever love me. Not worth it, I'd rather help people who can USE the assistance NOW. Like donating to the Hospice or the local SPCA, seems like a much more worthy way to spend what little time I have here on earth.