BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids My choice is costing me my marriage

It's difficult for me to grasp the concept of a parent abandoning their child mid-college..or hating their child. However, I think the answer to your issue lies in those occurences. WHEN PEOPLE THAT DO NOT WANT CHILDREN HAVE THEM ANYWAY OR MARRY SOMEONE JUST BECAUSE THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO THE RESULTS ARE SELDOM GOOD! I am sorry for what you've been through. I hope that you can come to an understanding with your husband. If not I hope that you will find true love with someone who is fullfilled by you and only you and doesn't need to "raise something" to feel satisfied.

Oh goodness, where do I start?

First, I hope you are doing well health wise. The sooner you can have the hysterectomy, the better. Your body your burdens, your decision. Push for it, seek other doctors, do whatever you have to do to get it done.
I'm sorry for all you've gone through. I can't imagine how difficult that must have been for you. I'm also sorry your dad is missing out on what could be the greatest joy of his life, a relationship with you. Seems as though some people just don't have that love and compassion inside for their own children. I can't understand it.

As for your marriage, I don't think babies are the problem. I think the men you've chosen are. There are just certain deal breakers in relationships and unfortunately raising a family is one of them. It's not really something that can be compromised on.
You definitely need to seek out men who are also child free. I know it's hard finding love in this big world of ours. And it's especially hard emotionally after sharing so many years with a special person. I hope you have people around who can help and support you while you go through this. And if not, we are always here to hear you out and encourage you if you need us.

I really wish you all the best in the world. I hope you keep strong and do well for yourself. And please don't give into being unhappy for the sake of another's happiness. You will in turn end up regretting it for the rest of your life. Live freely as you are. Do what makes YOU happy and you'll never have to regret a thing. Many blessings to you Muppet.

Not much to add -- there is a lot of wisdom here.

I also feel that 29 is young and there are more childfree men out there than you think. I was in my late 30s when I divorced, and it was due to my partner choosing to continue substance abuse over our marriage. Although it was extremely painful to be rejected in favor of his self-destruction and I also feared never finding a suitable partner, I was happily wrong. At 40, I am in the best relationship of my life.

Focus on your healing. If he can't prioritize your survival over his possibility of procreating, he isn't worthy of you.

Dear Ladies (and gentlemen!) I cannot begin to tell you how grateful I am for all the support! It really meant a lot to me, and it helped me to see a world in a different light, and lead to quite a bit of soul searching. I do believe I owe an update at how the things have been going with me and the marriage. Shortly after the last post I went to see a lawyer, just to know for sure where I stand (we are a wholesomely-international couple, and divorce proceedings are never easy in these cases), and how quickly, if I so wanted, I can get free, and at what cost. Lets just say, I could have been divorced by March if I so chose. I have had another medical test, and got some slightly more reassuring news, also had the original result review -- does not seem like I'd be dying that soon, which is a great blessing. Right now I am booked for another follow-up, to see how/if I am progressing/regressing. My concern is, even though I would agree that the whole thing can well be psychosomatic (and yes, I did always want a permanent solution, but was thinking more along tubal lines) -- will I stop going to hell and back after the hysterectomy, or will I then want to have my ovaries gone too, or kidneys, or alike. For it may not stem from "not wanting to procreate" as much as "not wanting to live any more". And, another thing -- this hysterectomy, being a post-op treatment as such, will not be as easy and straight forward an operation, and there is a number of things to consider, especially if not going for it for pure survival purposes. For example, nerve or bladder or urinary tract damage - will I be willing to risk that due to a potential psychosomatic issue? Don't get me wrong, I'd risk it in a split second were the cancer involved. But I have been, once again, almost shockingly reassured that I am fine and dandy from the oncological stand point. And, another thought came to my mind -- if it were stemming from not wanting to ever have children -- well, I can just go and get a tubal ligation. In London, at Mary Stopes. Will stop me from ever breeding -- but will it make my cancer fears go away? So, I have reached that type of an impasse in my medical issues. Now, the relationship. On that, I just put a stop sign, and decided, for my own sake, rather than the sake of a relationship, that I actually do, truly and deeply, need external help. I got too overwhelmed by it all, and needed some light onto where and what my priorities are, what I want to do with my life, what is important to me and what is not, what I enjoy and what I don't, etc etc. Thus, we went into therapies -- each on their own, not together. My husband expressed a desire to do his own soul-searching, and I needed mine. For the time-being, we decided to keep the status quo regarding the marriage. The idea that I can get divorced in 3 months whether my husband agrees to it or not, was reassuring enough to not to feel the need to rush to the court this very instance. After a month of talking things out, I do feel much better. It seems that in last year or so, I have completely forgot what I liked, and enjoyed doing, I have lost any kind of direction (not that I had much to begin with!), and went into living day to day mode. It is not good at the best of times, let alone in my situation. To my better luck, my therapist and my oncologist share the same secretary, so he was able to get a first hand insight into my health status, and too, was assured that in my case, "borderline abnormalities" do not mean what they sound they could. So, that switched off my "oh my God I'm gonna die!!!" button, and made me take a look at the things around me -- my marriage included -- from a bit more settled position. From that position, I can say the following: a) I neither want, nor need a uterously-commited counterparty. If I wouldn't keep a friend who could only see my value in my ability to plonk babies -- why would I keep such a husband?! b) I have a lot of other things going for me right now -- my life here, in Spain, is only beginning. And I do love the turns it is taking. I should concentrate on this for at least two reasons - I utterly (pun intended!) enjoy it (completely changing a career path -- last year started a vet. nurse course), and it is something that is beneficial to my life whether I am married, divorced or dating. c) My husband does have a right to make up his own mind, but he doesn't have a right to make up mine, and vice versa. And he doesn't have a right to keep me hanging "there" indefinitely. If he feels he wants to have children -- god speed to him! And to me! :) If he cannot make up his mind, I will do it for him, through lawyers. d) Regardless of what my husband decides right now or will decide in the future, I need to make up my own mind on this relationship. As of now, I cannot trust it to last beyond this year. I am fine with a divorce (29 is very young, indeed, and I do think I deserve better than being kept as a breeding sow!). e) I am not even sure how valuable this relationship is to ME, before I even address this question to my husband. It would be as unfair to expect him to pass on his aspiration and stick with me, so that later on I could say I am done with this relationship, for whatever reason. And with all honesty, looking at our last 2 years, I am surprised we are still married, children or not. The amount or hidden issues we discovered is mind-blowing! So that is my update for now, and, in my conclusion -- I would like to ask a rather touchy question: When partners leave us saying they want children, is it so -- or do they just not want us? Or the relationship that they are having?

Muppet, I just wanted to say you are a very intelligent and thoughtful person. I am sorry you are going through all your troubles. You are a strong person as well and whatever happens I have a feeling that you will come through this just fine like you seem to have done before. [quote]c) My husband does have a right to make up his own mind, but he doesn't have a right to make up mine, and vice versa. And he doesn't have a right to keep me hanging "there" indefinitely. If he feels he wants to have children -- god speed to him! And to me! :) If he cannot make up his mind, I will do it for him, through lawyers.[/quote] This may sound crazy that I am saying this and I know you love your husband but I think you should go your separate ways. You want two different things and the baby issue is a huge deal breaker. For the sake of your health you don't need the stress right now. To me it seems that your husband was hoping you would change your mind. From day one you have expressed your feelings on the matter but he didn't think you were serious about your decision. I would hate to see any kind of resentment on either side because of a constant struggle. [quote]d) Regardless of what my husband decides right now or will decide in the future, I need to make up my own mind on this relationship. As of now, I cannot trust it to last beyond this year. I am fine with a divorce (29 is very young, indeed, and I do think I deserve better than being kept as a breeding sow!). [/quote] [quote]When partners leave us saying they want children, is it so -- or do they just not want us? Or the relationship that they are having? [/quote] I am struggling with this right now. My bf of 7 years wants a child. I am not 100% opposed to it but I have never had a desire to have them. I recognize his need and I have told him he needs to do what he needs to do and if finding someone else to have children with is his desire than he needs to do that. At the same time I know he loves me and wants to stay with me. In my case I can say it's not because he doesn't want me or the relationship because he keeps hanging on. I know he is torn and I am part of the reason because I have told him I could have a child but part of me feels I can't trust him to take care of it and I'm not having a child just so I will be doing all the work. He's a few years younger than me and he doesn't have the stability I would need to have a child with someone but he's the go with the flow type that says you can't plan everything and I am someone who needs to have more financial stability before I feel comfortable. Good luck and keep us posted.