BellaOnline Forums Relationships Relationships Why does my friend irritate me?

Or am I just PMS'sing? We have known each other for decades and she calls me her best friend, but at times I feel used. I feel like I've gone over and beyond being a friend and it's becoming tiresome. I'm her transportation (she has no car), her meal ticket (we go out and eat and I've been paying lately), and her shoulder to cry on (she has a roller coaster relationship that I'm pretty much tired of). Today she asked me to go to lunch with her and her other "best friends". It's unspoken, but that meant me picking her up in another city and then possibly paying for our lunch. I declined but am annoyed. She's a sweet, likable person but I feel she is taking this friendship for granted and doesn't seem to understand the concept the of personal responsibility. How do I become free without losing the positive aspects of her friendship?

What are the positive aspects? Does the positive outweigh the negative? I would make a list of the good and the bad and ask yourself "What is my best choice here? Put up with it or tell her how I feel?"

I would simply tell her: I cannot continue paying for your meals when we go out, and I could use some help with gas expense when I provide your transportation. If she is really a friend she should understand and accept this. Sometimes close friends do not realize when they are taking advantage of us -- especially if we are not open and honest with them.

[quote=Phyllis, Native American]What are the positive aspects? Does the positive outweigh the negative? I would make a list of the good and the bad and ask yourself "What is my best choice here? Put up with it or tell her how I feel?" I would simply tell her: I cannot continue paying for your meals when we go out, and I could use some help with gas expense when I provide your transportation. If she is really a friend she should understand and accept this. Sometimes close friends do not realize when they are taking advantage of us -- especially if we are not open and honest with them.[/quote] It's kind of pointless to ask her to help pay when she is jobless. I'm relatively giving and want to help her, but then she just keeps on taking as if it's no big deal. Sometimes I feel like her boyfriend or husband --- taking care of her. I'll have to think about what you've said some more....

Oh Phyre, my partner has recently 'ditched' a friend as his 'friend' was the same, although his friend wasn't interesting or fun to be around so there were no positives to the 'relationship' basically this guy spotted someone who has difficulty saying "no" to people and latched onto him in his teens. Thankfully he lived away for over a decade but since he moved back and expected to see my partner regularly we have become more and more hacked off with his behaviour. Ultimately he ended up working for my partner's parents and that was when we got to see what he is really like with other people. Rude, obnoxious, superior,... the list goes on. In the end he lost the job because he couldn't do it, unfortunately I was aware he was struggling and had offered my help. In the end he tried to turn it around saying that I was bullying him, I literally had just offered help. That was the end of it, my friend had harsh words with him about his behaviour and how he treats people. Still, he hasn't got he message, he continues to phone (we don't answer) and tries to turn up at our office (we explain that we're busy), he clearly has some inbuilt social problem and he just isn't getting the signals that any other human would have got WELL before now! Back when I was involved in the music industry I had a lot of friends who were only with me because I did so much for them. Gradually I realised who was a true friend (would be there for me should I need them) and who wasn't. I ditched the ones that weren't true friends. Better to have a few very good, genuine friends than a load of spongers. I still see the others occasionally and we can have a good laugh but I am not getting back into a position where they are reliant on me. What you do is up to you but I would seriously consider whether this friend will be there for you when you need them, because a true friend will be. If it's not a true friendship then I would maintain it as more of an 'associate' type relationship rather than one where they are able to lean on you.

Phyre, I guess my suggestion does seem a bit harsh, or not very compassionate. I am just coming from personal experience and what I have had to tell some friends in order to keep myself from being taken advantage of. I believe the solution will come to you soon as to the best way to handle your situation. This type of problem is never easy to work with. I wish you good luck.

Phyllis, certainly from my view what you said wasn't too harsh or even remotely harsh. Although the friend has no money, how long with Phyre have money if she keeps subsidising other people? People who are well off are often well off for a reason, and it usually involves not giving very much away. I have subsidised friends a lot, but none of them do I regret it at all and I would do it again. My partner has subsidised a friend and the friend's attitude and (quite frankly) assumption that he will always pay for stuff is just taking the mick and my partner does regret it and won't do it again. It's worse to help someone out financially and then feel begrudging about it, but if they are taking the proverbial and not being remotely grateful then the chances are you will end up feeling resentful towards them. Resentful doesn't make for a good friendship, but saying something and coming to some agreement might save said friendship?

How about suggesting you meet somewhere that she can get to without you having to pick her up. How about you suggest an activity that doesn't require any money. I can think of about 100 things I used to do with my friends that required zero money, zero food, and zero whining : )

A therapist told me a while back that when you become friends with people you kind of sign a mental contract with them but that doesn't mean the terms can't change at any point. If that friend isn't treating you the way you like then change the contract.

I've never had friends use me for money but I've had people dump all their issues on me without ever listening to mine. I finally changed this so now when they start up with their crying I only listen as much as I feel I can and then say anyway, I'm sure you'll figure it out how bout that t.v. show or new song by so and so or did I tell you about what happened at work the other day....

Well the relationship has gone to hell. It's her time to help me (I'm having surgery and I need someone to drive me to and from the doc's for post op.) Now there is an argument because she said I made her feel bad about the type of imaginary boyfriend she is making up (since her real one doesn't give her enough attention). I was hoping she was joking but she was not, so I decide to play along, but my response was not to her liking. I had asked her if her imaginary bf was a prince or a millionaire (cuz if you are going to imagine a bf, why not go all the well and get all the bells and whistles) but she gets defensive and accused me of implying that she is shallow and that she is not as shallow as I think she is and that her imaginary bf is a normal guy. So she accuses me of making her feel bad. (I'm dumbfounded -- because: is she REEEAALLY mad at me about this -- imaginary bf's? No, she is not 16. She is 36) Well, then she follows that accusation with, "Maybe I should imagine myself a perfect best friend too." Needless to say, I thought that was rude and told her so. Then she accuses me of being hypersensitive. Finally I asked her when did she lose respect for me to think it was okay for her to be rude to me. And guess what? She says her world doesn't revolve around me and that I should get over it and that she doesn't care and doesn't want to talk. This B.S. comes from a person who proclaims to love me like a sister and care for me. I guess she really was using me after all. I hope her imaginary friends never ask anything of her either, cuz she will dump them too. (Some friends have advise me to give her some time...maybe she is PMSing... but I don't care if she was on CRACK and DRUNK, she can go screw herself for treating me that way when all I've been is civil and giving towards her.) My sadness for her actually trumps my anger. This is a woman who left her husband for another man, left her kids with her exhusband (the oldest won't visit her), ends up moving back in which her parents, has no job, has no car, and is waiting for her inattentive knight in broken armor to come rescue her. I'm better off.

Phyre the best thing you can do is run in the opposite direction of this person. From what you just stated in your last post sounds like this person is a taker, not a giver and thinks only of herself at all times. If I were you and lost her as my friend I would say I have not lost much. She doesn't sound like much of a friend to begin with. I'm sure you can find a friend that you can enjoy and be more compatible with.

Thank you, Rdywenur. You're right. Good riddance.