BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids "You'll change you mind" a euphemism for...?

In almost every post or another we all bring up the "breeder bingo," cliche` statements that we get on a regular basis when we bring up the fact that we choose to remain childfree. The most common of course is some derivation of, "You'll change your mind."

Sometimes when it comes to the human brain, I feel like I'm an outside observer. My brain is very logical, and often misses minute subtext. One of my coworkers and I were chatting today about how her new husband's parents have started asking about kids since they just had their first anniversary. She's not too sure if she wants them at all (there are a lot of people in my field who don't want kids, oddly enough). But, the point of this story is that we got to talking about all the stupid things people say, and she pointed out something about, "You'll change your mind" that I have never thought of before. She said, "when people say that, I think they mean, 'you'll change your mind... when your birth control fails.'"

Do you think this is what they mean? I mean, it makes sense to me I guess. Think about it. In the U.S., 50% of all pregnancies are reported as "unplanned," yet most people still continue them. Do people just assume we will accidentally end up pregnant like many people do, and that we'll just, you know, go with it? Are my in-laws (who don't know I've had my tubes tied) just waiting around for a condom to break? Or, is it as I have always taken it, that they believe we will wake up one morning and go, "Oh, I change my mind, I do want to have a baby!"?

You know when I think about it, it does seem possible that may be what their hinting at. Yet I get the feeling a lot of people don't realize that's what their implying, they mostly chalk the whole "don't want kids" up to the frivolousness of youth I think. So they figure as we mature, it'll become obvious to us that we do want kids for what ever reason. It doesn't always quite work that way though, not all teenagers are like minded in that respect. If a condom does break, I most women choose to just have the child because there is a lot of negativity attached to abortion and giving the child up for adoption. Which isn't fair to the child, so most people just adapt becuase they have no alternative. Which isn't healthy really. Yet humans are fickle by nature, one day we could love pizza and the next year we could hate it with everything we have. Though the decision to have (or not have) children is not one someone should make lightly some people do. Some people have no choice, cave to pressure, and various other reasons. So I think it varies from person to person. I do believe that some people sincerely believe one day we'll wake up and realize how "wrong" we've been all our lives and want to embrace the love and "completion" of having children. Some I think maybe they are aiming for the "you'll change your mind...when the condom breaks". Your co-worker raised a really good point, and honestly, I hadn't thought of that either =D

Hmm, Dolyn, I had never thought about it that way, but you bring up an interesting point. There definitely are people who aren't careful with their birth control or who just sort of assume that babies happen eventually. I have a few friends that got pregnant while on the pill. Both were in a position where they wanted kids, but a few years down the line. Since they did want kids eventually, I always sort of wondered if they were less careful with birth control than someone, like me, who is firmly child free.

Maybe some people mean that, but I don't think it is the norm. I am older than you, Dolyn, never had a problem with birth control, and what people meant to me was very clear: "you will grow out of this lack of interest in children and one day you will realize something is missing in your life".

There is another more unsettling comment that I have heard more than once: "you will change your mind when they are yours". Obviously, if I don't change my mind FIRST, I will never have my own!, so people who say that are obviously assuming that pregnancies are like a virus that you catch and that's it.

Isis: don't even doubt it, people who are not so set against having children have more "accidents" with birth control. I know way too many considering general birth control effectivity. And all of them happened to women/ couples who wanted children somewhere down the line, only "not just yet". I have started to believe that most accidents with birth control are an excuse for unplanned pregnancies. If you tell the world that you want to wait a couple of years to have children because you want to travel the world (sic) and then you get pregnant next week, it is just embarrassing to admit you forget your pill half the time, or that you ran out of condoms and took the risk. If you don't want a child AT ALL and a condom break, you go the hospital for a dayafter pill (been there). If you forget your pill a couple of days, you use a condom for the rest of the month. You don't wait to see what happens.

Solalux, you are so right about "You'll feel different when they are your own." I can see the subtext there. Implying that when we mess up, it'll be okay, because we've been told that once they get here all will be right with the world.

I'm sure most of these people wouldn't even consider the possibility that people like me (happily married and financially stable) would even consider having an abortion if an accidental pregnancy occurred. Well, they'd be wrong on my end. Abortion is such a taboo that most people think they don't even know someone who has had one. Well, considering that 1 in 4 women I their lifetime will have an abortion, I'd say all these people are wrong. And, 25% of women who have abortions every year are married (it's not just teenage girls). We just keep it to ourselves. I know my husband is absolutely petrified that his parents will some how find out that I've had 2 abortions, and "killed" their potential grandchildren. They'd never imagine that he'd "let me" do such a thing. So, yeah, I guess they probably are just waiting for me to mess up my birth
control, or whatever.

Also, Solalux, I agree many women have "accidents" where they could have been more careful, but maybe subconsciously wanted to get pregnant or whatever. But, it's important to keep in mind that many women just have a lot of difficulty with birth control, or the occasional mistake. I know I tried my BEST not to get pregnant, short of not having sex with my husband at all. But, it happened. Twice. That's why I'm thankful I live in a country where I have access to a safe abortion when my best efforts failed me.

I'm one of those who changed my mind. Until I was married for a few years, I had never really wanted children. At the most, I'd always imagined I would adopt and not have my own. Pain just doesn't thrill me like it does some people.

But it didn't happen, and now I'm divorced, childless, and pretty satisfied with things. I still have little pangs every now and then, but then I think of all the opportunities I have now because I don't have children (or a husband, lol), and things are all right.

I think people say that we'll change our minds because some of us really will. But not all. I guess those folks are right some of the time, and they figure that everyone is cut from the same cloth. Thank goodness we're not all the same. That would be so boring.

I changed my mind. When I was 25, I tried to get my tubes tied. I did not want to get married--ever. Nor did I want kids--no way. A year later, I met the man who would become my husband. When I was 31, I started wanting children. My husband and I really talked about whether we wanted to have them, because we were very happy with our empty little nest.

However, if having children hadn't happened, we would have been okay with it. When the children left, we were fine, and really relished our empty nester status.

As I've said before, I salute those people who know their own minds. Don't have kids because somebody thinks it would be good for you. Stand your ground; live life on your own terms.

Please Dolyn, don't get me wrong, I know there are real failures, no method is 100% sure, just saying that way too many people seem to be having "Ooops" all the time. Obviously if some has a birth control failure and doesn't want a child at all will have an abortion, but they will very likely keep it to themselves. Others, for religious "ethic" reasons will go along with it and maybe come to terms with having children. But others will feel miserable for ever (see thread in the moms forum: "need help hate being a mom"), and, again, like those who have abortions, will keep it to themselves.

So like with birth control, we have a real distorted view of how the world really works, of how women really are. People are not honest to strangers about such personal issues and the overall impression you get form the outside is as follows: every woman wants a child and I know so and so (this women are always a friend of a friend) , who didn't want one and now has one and she is the happiest person in the world. The overall idea is that only women who are alone in the world and in a terrible economical situation have abortions, and that all women who have unwanted children are overjoyed afterwards. People like to talk about socially accepted behaviors and not about politically incorrect ones.

I rumbled a little here, I hope it makes some sense.

This is really interesting conversation. I know several people who have gotten pregnant on the pill. I'd never use it! That being said those I know have told me that A. They didn't take it the right way. B. They were on antibiotic which rendered it ineffective. I guess my question is BESIDES IN THE ABOVE SITUATIONS and flat out lying: what do people mean when they say that they used birth control and became pregnant anyway?
I wish it was okay to ask that, but I guess I can ask on here! Anyone? Also I have a friend who really doesn't want to get pregnant (for know) and she takes the morning after pill EVERYTIME she has sex! lol.

I can tell you for my second pregnancy, my husband and I were only able to use use nonspermicidal condoms (I'm allergic to spermicide, great, right?). He always checked afterward, and swears there were no tears or anything that he could see. If something had happened to the condom, I did actually keep plan B on hand to take. But, we didn't know anything went wrong. Maybe it slipped a little or something? I've spent many an hour wondering myself, but we'll never know. I'm just glad I got my tubes tied, but even that has a slight failure rate. ::knocks on wood::

How can you take the morning after pill EVERY time after sex. Isn't that expensive? Just get on the normal pill.