BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids I need advice! HELP!

Kat, you are BAD ! ;-D

Well everyone, We've been seeing the therapist for months now. I finally have used this haven to state how I feel: I told him, I just don't want to do it (have kids). But... You are NOT going to believe this. So upon having a lot of this [censored] come to a head last week (in which we saw the therapist twice) and me finally telling him I'm prepared for a divorce since we have such a fundamentally different philosophy on life...he caves. CAVES!! He says ok ok ok we don't have to have kids. Naturally, I say, are you shitting me? TWO YEARS of these arguments, these cryfests, these ultimatums (which is essentially what it was when he called it a dealbreaker) and NOW you're telling me you're actually ok with it? I explained that I am now royally confused. Kids, according to him, were the purpose of life. Everything he's done has been to set the stage for fatherhood. And NOW that I'm ready to walk out (and when I say ready I mean emotionally and mentally prepared) he says we don't have to have them. But wait, it gets worse. On top of this change of heart (which of course seems like him just grabbing at whatever he can at this point to keep me), he says he finally considered it and doesn't think he'd really like them after all either. So it's not just, ok, we don't have to have them. It's yeah, I don't guess I even want them either. I'm so furious over this I can't even speak half the time. So I explain to him that due to his absolute refusal to entertain MY perspective for this 2 years, we get to a point of marital annihilation. Now he's changing his mind AND admitting that if he had just considered it, perhaps we could have been spared these two years? I don't even know if our marriage can be fixed at this point for a couple of reasons: 1) He's either lying to keep me around longer, which means this issue will continue to pop up along the way and eventually cause us to part ways anyway.... 2) If he's NOT lying, I'm so furious that he clearly didn't listen to me or even consider my perspective or feelings for so long that it caused me to sever every artery/vein of emotion between us as I prepared to exit; and frankly, I don't know if I want to be with somebody who had the capacity to do this. I have no idea if any of this made sense. But this is what has transpired. For this entire past week, he's been pushing me to "get back on board with US", now that he's magically ok with being child-free of course. And naturally, I can't, because I'm so [censored] in general and have nothing but apathy towards US right now. I couldn't care less if he comes or goes. I'm seeing the doc tomorrow. I don't know what to believe.

I can see why you're troubled about this. Your pain just leaps off the page. I am so sorry that you've been hurt this badly.

Here might be another way to look at it:

Your spouse may have had to take time to let go of his desire for children. When folks are raised with the expectation of the patter of tiny feet, sometimes it takes time to work through it. Two years is a long time, but we each have our own timetable.

He might not be doing this just to keep you, rather he looked at life without you and decided that nothing was worth that to him.

If you really don't care for him or your relationship any more, or you can never get over the angst that you've gone through about his insistence to have children, please find a way to bring some happiness to your life. If that means leaving, at least you'll both be free to pursue other options.

it seems as if the realiziation of losing you might be settting in...and hes changing his mind to keep you... it sad hes done this to you and your relationship.

Update: the last doctor appointment cleared up a few more things. She's asked me a couple of times now, "What do you need from him?" Friday a week ago I answered, "I don't feel I need anything from him at all. In fact, not sure I need him at all." Well yesterday I answered differently. I said "I need someone who wants exactly what I want." Then today on my run, I realized I should have clarified. I still feel the same, but I realize that I'm missing someone who REALLY embraces the choice I've made to live child-free. I am so at peace with my decision, I can't believe how wonderful I feel. In fact, I feel better than I've ever felt in years. Just acknowledging a deep part of myself that I've repressed for so long out of societal pressure. I would imagine that the way I feel right now is analogous to the way a gay person feels when they finally quit hiding who they really are and just come out with it. Of course there are obvious differences, but the shame is similar in a way: society says it's not acceptable. In my situation, what normal woman doesn't want children? They say it's selfish, immature, an excuse to not grow up or make your life about something else better than you, etc. Well guess what? I can make a positive change without procreating. I'm so happy in my choice, and yet I feel so alone because I know he doesn't feel the same way. My doc noted that she understands my distance from him at this time. He didn't just go from yes to no (regarding children). He went from "this is my purpose, my life" to "I'm on the fence." And on the fence ain't good enough. My doc told me also to quit trying to act like I know him better than he knows himself. In his defense, she says, maybe he was under a lot of pressure from his family and realized you're more important. To this I tell her, I find that hard to believe because when I've asked him WHY does he have to have kids, the responses are 1. I want a little friend to do things with 2. I need someone to instill my values/morals upon 3. I feel my purpose will be fulfilled when I have a child etc. Wouldn't you agree that those are NOT synonymous with 1. My parents expect me to 2. Everyone is asking when we'll have kids 3. We should grow up and just have a kid His previous, thorough, convincing reasons still resonate. I think he was utterly shocked and horrified at the thought of losing me and flipped the kid switch manually to keep me. I fear once he gives it some time, he'll realize that he DOES need a child (and that is totally understandable if he does) and we are kaput anyway. I told her all this. He sees her on Friday privately. Then we are supposed to see her together a week from Friday. So we'll see how it goes. I just can't reiterate enough though how much of a weight has been lifted off my shoulders by being true to myself. I LOVE my decision and I'm so beyond proud of myself for not being a people pleaser and just giving in. I realize I would have regretted the decision forever. The only problem now is the permanent knot in my stomach over the state my marriage is in. I almost feel evil for being so happy with my choice during this difficult time of marital stress. I'm a girl who's always done the right thing, taken guidance and been a pleaser in relationships my whole life. I'm so glad now that I've made the most important decision of all, for me. I hope something good happens. But I'm being realistic. Unless he can embrace this choice, I'm not sure how we can really go forward. And he doesn't have to embrace it. I'M THE ONE WHO CHANGED. I really thought when we got married that I'd want children. I meant everything I said. But as I've grown into a successful, mature, and wise woman, I've learned that my goals are not what I thought. Oddly enough, though it saddens me to tears to think of us apart, I'm sort of at peace with the concept now. Because (according to a dear friend) life is too short to conform to the mold of others. I'm reading a book right now by Wayne Dyer called "Wisdom of the Ages." One of the chapters in it is called Nonconformity. He speaks of the need to roll to the beat of your own drum, though nobody else can hear your drummer. As long as you are not endangering the lives of others or yourself, it is RIGHT to nonconform and go your own way. I thought this chapter came at an awfully coincidental time in my life. I'm ready to be me. And he has a right to be him. And if that means we go separate ways, kudos to the both of us for fulfilling our dreams. Frankly, I just want this whole thing to be over. Done. Sorry everyone for the very random stream-of-consciousness. But this is where I am. I'm in a dark hole, but there is a massive light above me. And it may take time to climb out. But once I do, everything awaits me. Acceptance. Success..... And I really believe happiness. Can't thank everyone enough for "listening" and responding. This support group, I swear, has literally saved my life. You've given me the "oomph" to live the life I want. For that I am forever grateful.

KC, wow. You certainly sound like a very deep thinker who has obviously done a lot of work to clarify this issue in your own mind. Some of your comments sound very much like what I was (and still am) thinking about my marriage breakup... Feeling liberated and happy with the decision to be CF, like a weight's been lifted off and feeling like the relationship needs to end in order to truly move on... I felt all of those things, too. I don't know what your husband really thinks / feels but from what you described I do get the feeling that he is grabbing at straws, trying desperately to convince himself that he will be okay without kids in order to keep your marriage intact. If this is indeed the case, be very aware! Because as soon as things settle down, his hidden desire for children is bound to resurface. What you really need to ask yourself is how many times can you go through this crisis that you have endured for the last 2 years? As you have said yourself, you need someone who wants the same things (well, mostly) out of life as you do. This is the basis for a truly lasting and satisfying relationship in my opinion and no wonder you are feeling angry and disconnected from your husband. Only you know what the best decision is for you but I agree with all your observations and think you are on the right track. As we say here in New Zealand (in Maori): Kia Kaha! (Be strong!). :)

Thanks so much firegirl! It's funny; you are literally on the other side of the earth from me (I'm in the US), and yet you've really made me feel that I'm not alone. Can't convey my gratefulness for this forum and for you all enough.