BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Doomed relationship..

Hello everyone, I recently found this forum and I can't describe how pleased I am to find like-minded people who do not believe that a woman's sole function in life is to bear and care for children. I am sure relationship problems due to different views on having children is topic/story that has been posted many times before; but I have no one else to share this with that will not chucke and tell me with a patronizing smile "don't worry, you'll realize you're wrong later." My long-term boyfriend has told me on repeated occasions that there would be "no purpose" to his life if he were not to have children. The only reason for having a job? To provide for children. He is one of the "enlightened" who believes that a woman who does not desire children is sick or abnormal; or simply confused. To him, a child is something that is enjoyed with when it is clean, content, and happy - the other 23 hours of the day it is cared for by the mother (who, of course, is ecstatic to be fulfilling her true and only purpose in life). He frequently criticizes my devotion for my cat, dog, and car - stating that it is "unnatural" and "abnormal" for me to devote love and affection to an inanimate object and two "non-sentient" beings. Aside from the child issue, we are inseparable and get along very well. I cannot imagine my life without him - although he told me yesterday that one day, we would certainly break up because of this conflict. I don't think either of us are capable of severing the relationship at the moment; but now that he has said that the end of the relationship is inevitable (because of bloody children, the bane of my existance) I don't see the point in remaining together. He has said that he has many more plans for us; many more things for us to do..as do I. I don't think I can live with a time-limit on this relationship..although I am tempted to pretend the day will never come when he finally decides to find a woman who realizes her "true purpose". For those of you that have been (or are) unfortunate enough to be in a similar situation; what did you do/are you doing about it? For all his proclamations about "living only to have children' and what-not, I can't imagine it would be so easy for him to simply abandon our relationship either. I apologize for the rather lengthy (and most likely oft-repeated) story..but it is nice to know there are people here that will be able to read my story without spitting on me for not wanting children. Any advice or suggestions would be appreciated..

I am with a man who has told me he was okay with never having children. About a month and half ago he got very angry with me and said some rude things about me having gotten sterilized. Even said that sex is only for the purpose of breeding. Now he again says he doesn't care but his brief moment of anger leads me to believe that he does. One day our relationship may end because of the issue but for the time being am just enjoying spending time with him. If the day comes that my (elective) inability to not bear children ends the relationship, then so be it.

Hi Mercedes, sorry to hear about your situation, that's horrible. I'm with you in that I don't see the point in continuing a relationship you know isn't ever going to be permanent, especially when you will have to invest lots of effort and love into it that you could be investing into a permanent relationship. Still, I understand that it will be hard to leave. I do find your partner's attitude rather bizarre, not the wanting children bit but more how would a man like that (and Kat's partner) react if you were to discover you were infertile? More to the point, how would they react if they found out they were infertile? About 40% of infertility in couples is down to the man! I was married to a man who was happy to be with me because he loved me. We are separated for other reasons but I know he would have stuck by me despite me not wanting children because he made that commitment and he made that commitment while knowing that I never wanted to have children. We are both now with other people and I suspect he will have children someday with someone else but I know that he would still have been happy with me without children. You don't date someone to have their kids you date them because you want to be with them! I believe you should never ask someone to do something you are unwilling to do yourself. No man should expect a woman to do all the 'dirty work' unless they are willing to do it also and it doesn't sound like your partner remotely is so what right does he have to expect you to raise a child so he can enjoy the 5 minutes each day that said child is a nice, quiet, well-behaved being? Men! :-D

As an animal lover, I will point out that the feelings you have fo your animals are right on. They need love, feeding and care - just like kids. They also give love, loyalty and a sense of purpose - just like kids.

They provide the maternal outlet that I do believe is in many women. Sometimes - as in my case - it is a fulfilling experience to raise 4-legged children! And it takes a lot out of you when they pass away.

About the relationship - it is going to be tough, either way. If you stay it is more time, more caring, etc. If you leave it will be rough, BUT, not as rough as if you prolong it.

Both of you deserve to find people that feel the same way you do.

My late husband was very fine with my not wanting kids (he had 7 and even though they were not really in our life that much - never again!).

When I date, I let people know up front that I am childless by choice and will remain that way! I admit, I also do not date people that have children under the age of 18.

I stuck it out in my marriage for 16 years. I was with my ex-husband for a total of 19 years. I enjoyed many things about him and with him until he decided to finally divorce me, but I think we should have ended the relationship long before the marriage was over.

He eventually said he was ok with not having kids, but he lied to himself and to me. He came up with substitutes to fulfill himself......infidelity, porn, blowing money, years of school.....anything to get his mind off of what he really wanted, which was having children.

When the mess finally hit the fan, I had given so much of myself that it was truly one of the worst experiences of my life to have to go through....the immense pain of losing someone I loved so dearly, the feeling of betrayal and being used, having to leave my dogs and my house and then watch another woman and her kids move in the very minute I was gone. The heartbreak was too much to bear, and even though I met an angel in someone else while the divorce was going on, the dispair of the failed marriage overshadowed everything. I feel like I almost lost myself to all the pain.

The decision of course is yours. You can do it my way and stick it out only to face more pain later, or you can move on and make a life for yourself much sooner with someone who appreciates you for who you truly are.

I split with my ex of eight years because I don't want kids. It was incredibly hard, but we knew that ultimately, it was the right thing to do. I'm now seeing someone else who desperately wants kids, even though we know the relationship is doomed to heartbreak. I think I might be a bit dumb...

Oh, and by the way - I thought we were way too close for him to ever leave me for the sake of having kids, too. Then he met someone quite similar to me (but eight years younger) who wanted them, and the cogs started whirring...Two months after we split, he was with her. No matter how much you love each other, this issue will always beat you in the end, unfortunately.

I was in a relationship that wasn't similar but it put a lot of stress on our relationship when he made it clear he definitely wanted children. Without a shadow of a doubt, he had to have children to continue his "blood line". I made it clear to him, or at least I tried, that I didn't plan on having children and that having children was not part of the future I wanted for myself. He said "it's no rush", we'd already been together 2 years at that point but the conversation sparked something in me. 4 years past and in the back of my mind I remembered that conversation, and I cringed at the thought of a future like that, even if it was with him. I didn't want to give up my financial freedom, or my freedom all together. I didn't want to devote my limited lifetime to caring for offspring. Then one day, the weight was too much to bare, and I told him we had to break up. The more I thought about it, the more I realized holding on to him was selfish. I had taken 4 more years of his life that he could have spent procreating. To this day we are friends, and he is unmarried, and childless, as am I and I feel partially responsible for that. He's nearing 30 now and while I cannot bring it up to him why he's not a father right now, in the back of my mind I think that maybe he feels he's too old now for kids. I also wasted 6 years of my own youth on a relationship that wasn't going to end well for me or him in the end. I feel like, while those 6 years were nice, it would've been better if it could have lasted. Yet our views on children were too different, and created a riff between us that couldn't be repaired. It eventually got to take a toll on me and him, we started arguing, even though previously we got along better than anyone I'd ever dated. We started thinking of reasons not to meet, or not to talk, he even admits starting fights just to get rid of me. I did the same. It just crumbled because we both knew, it wasn't going to be forever. I'm glad we're friends now, but I still regret not letting go sooner, it was both selfish and wrong of me. So...your best bet is to do what you think is best for both of you. There is no right or wrong answer, you just have to go with your gut on this one. (sorry for the length of this reply)

Goodness Jennifer, don't remotely hold yourself responsible for the fact that he's not yet a dad, he's not even 30 yet! Much as women often have children in the 20s I suspect the majority of (planned) dads are in their 30s. Certainly all the men I can think of (bar one) were in their 30s when they started having children, that includes my own dad and that seems to be the normal age. Where I live it is now perfectly normal to still be living with your parents in your early 30s because no-one can afford to move out so for goodness sake do not be holding yourself responsible for decisions someone else has made, you were neither selfish nor wrong. He's an adult, he's responsible for his own choices and obviously part of that choice was being with you, for all he knows you guys could have tried for a child and found out you were infertile! Please take this in the kind way it is meant, I would hate to think you are remotely down on yourself over such a perfectly normal situation, relationships can have similarly difficult issues that are nothing to do with children, it's just life.

'because of bloody children, the bane of my existence' LOL you were a child once, good job your mother didn't think the same way. I have two sons and my eldest is twenty nine years old and still living at home with me. I could not imagine life without them, I tried living on my own as I have been divorced for 15 years, but a solitary life for me is very lonely and boring. But neither of them wants to have children so I cannot see me being burdened with more 'bloody kids' 'cos I certainly wouldn't want any more myself. I also have four dogs and three birds which I love as much as my kids, they don't answer back and appreciate everything I do for them, the animals that is. Good luck for the future.