BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids He wants kids: What to expect if you stay

I view kids as a "want" not a "need" to life. Food, shelter, money, etc are necessities. Kids are purely a need and are optional-you will not die without one and do not need one to survive. Plain and simple. Sorry if I offended anyone.

Again, I totally agree with you. Being women we are more nurturing and more apt to compromise to hold our relationships together. We have different views than men as to what is important in our relationships, and I feel that women are more willing to go the extra mile even when things become uncomfortable for us. I don't think a lot of men truly understand the value and commitment of marriage, and as a result women are pretty much disposable to men when they aren't getting their needs met.

I also think men are less likely to want to put in the work necessary to make a marriage succeed. As my husband puts it, "It shouldn't be this hard. It should be natural". So now I have become disposable to him.

If he is in fantasy land as to how marriage and intimacy are supposed to work, I believe a lot more men probably feel the same way as he does.

I guess it is my turn to get flamed here...

I totally agree with every reply so far. My husband and I are going through a power shift now because I feel he has the power to leave if I don't give him a child, even though he says he won't. He senses that, and is behaving differently, and a little less like the compassionate, considerate, sensitive man I married. It's getting so that I don't want to be at home with him because I'm afraid of what will happe next, and it breaks my heart. I'm reading Naomi Wolf's "Misconceptions" right now. Wolf is a feminist with 2 kids. She wanted hers wholeheartedly but was not afraid to delve into exploring the marriage balance once that first baby comes. I'm reading that chapter right now, and it has all but solidified my decision not to do this. Even for the women who wanted their babies and love them, their husbands (who are not horrible people) have refused to modify their work schedules and do not help as much as they need to. These women are exhausted, depressed, and their marriages have completely changed, and they are powerless to stop it because of the power balance and the dependency on your mate once you have that first child. If it's that hard for women who truly want it, then I think it would kill someone like me.

All of that was always my fear, VirgoGirl. I knew I would completely lose myself to the constant needs, stress, and work in caring for children. I could not see myself handling all of it and still remaining sane, if you can even call me that anymore. My life would have been over.

Yet I offered adoption and fostering to my husband recently as a way to have a family unit..... I shake my head in disbelief now over this. I would have given up my lifestyle just to keep my husband if he would have accepted it, and I would have been very foolish to do it at all. Thank goodness he refused me, as painful as it is to lose him now. I do know that the pain I feel is over the loss of who he used to be, not who he is now.

I "parented" in many ways when I was younger because of various family crisis situations and of course dealing with the immaturity and irresponsibility of my husband whom I have known since he was 19 yrs old. Gosh, in looking back we were much too young to make a permanent commitment to each other like we did, but you can't help who you fall in love with. I credit our relationship lasting 19 yrs to all of my hard work.

Because of what I have already done in my life as a responsible, caretaking adult, I know I just don't have much left to give in the parenting way. Just like my husband won't help much with our dogs, his feelings towards the responsibility of child care, I am sure, are pretty much the same. He feels that because he has to work full time he is excused from doing more of the work. The burden of raising kids would have fallen squarely on my shoulders if we had had them, while he enjoyed the fun times and Kodak moments.

For me to have to care for children 98% of the time would be a sure way to send me right over the edge.

Cassie- The thing you said about grieving for the loss of your husband the way he used to be as opposed to the way he is now completely hit home for me. I can already see changes in my husband, and I fear that I am in a lose/lose situation. If I have a baby and he stays, our marriage will morph into something I never wanted it to be. If I don't have a baby and he stays, our marriage will be changed by the guilt (mine) and resentment (his), and the marriage that was so perfect for 7 years will be dead and gone. I fear I am heading down your road. Perhaps the only consolation we can take is that we'll eventually be ok and still live our lives the way we want to once we get back on our feet. One woman in the book I was telling you about actually said, "I wish my baby would disappear so I could have my husband back." She loved and had wanted her baby very much. I think in a weird way, I'd rather have my marriage ruined by no compromise than have it be ruined by going insane getting no help with a baby I probably didn't want. To be tethered to the couch, breastfeeding, subject to infant screams, cleaning, cooking, doing housework... all for him to come home and enjoy the so-called Kodak moments, while further alienating and disappointing me with his lack of help because he thinks he works so hard. Again, it's hard enough for women (God bless them, I don't know how they do it) who do want children.

I haven't figured out how mothers that handle motherhood well do it either. There is something within these women that I just don't have. They have a desire and strength within themselves that I can't even begin to imagine.

VirgoGirl...I feel for you. I know what you are going through and I surely hope things will work out for you. It does seem though that when a man has a "crisis" like this there is no turning back for them.

and I would go nuts, literally!

Although my husband is upset that I decided not to have children, I know deep down I'm doing him a favor. I know if my husband ever leaves me just so he can go with another woman who will give him kids, I will feel sorry for him! He would never be happy.

Virgo, I can't remember if you've posted already about this, but are you and your husband considering any kind of couples counseling to help you navigate this difficult time in your marriage? It sounds like you 2 really love each other, care for each other, are committed to each other, and want to be together happily forever. So I wonder if you had an objective (and experienced) third party, it might give you the tools you need to make sure you come out the other side together, and stronger. Just a thought. I'd be really sad to find out that your marriage didn't survive this. :(

Hi HeretoTalk- I hadn't considered it because I always thought that was a way to "change one of our minds," when that doesn't really work, you know? But I was talking to him last night and asked him about the women in Naomi Wolf's book who all felt they lost their best friends after their babies came. And I asked him what he thought about the possibility of losing me as a best friend, and he said, "Well, we'd stay kidless then." I was happy about that, and I asked him to read the chapter for himself and see what he thought. Maybe counseling would help in this case. But I'd have selfish hopes going in, hoping that he'd see that he only wants this for the Kodak moments, when maybe he wants a baby for good reasons. It could end up making things worse, but if he's going to leave, then it's going to happen, I suppose. But it might be worth a try.

My husband and I went to marriage counseling. Our counselor was professional and didn't try to sway our decision, one way or another.

She had urged us to work on our relationship and put the issue of children aside. I think she wanted both of us to see what value we had in our relationship as it was....maybe I'd value it enough to want kids, or maybe my husband would see the value in our relationship and perhaps that would be enough for him.

My husband could not put his thoughts of having kids aside to work on our relationship. He actually started pulling away from me even more after a few months of counseling. For him, as time went on the issue of having a family just became something he couldn't live without.

Good luck, VirgoGirl. I really hope you both can stay together. It is very hard losing someone you love so much over this issue. You always like to think that your love for your man will be enough for him to want to stay with you. I hope that will be your case.