BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Feeling a bit bad about being CF

*pffft*

The standard adage is "there are plenty of people in nursing homes who have kids who never visit" - which sounds ubiquitous, but is definitely true.

My mother worked in a series of nursing homes when she herself was in her 60s. It was an easy way to make money - taking food trays around to the patients and making sure they got the correct meals dictated by the dietitians. I visited her there often and sometimes hung around, talking to the old folks. It was pathetic the way those poor people would reach out and clutch you, looking for some sort of tactile contact. And trying to get up and leave - even harder. These people - strangers to me - were desperate to keep me there, talking. And the few times my younger sister brought her toddler around? Oh, boy, that almost caused a riot. It was like showing a puppy or kitten to an animal lover - reaching out, cooing in adoration, saying "ohhhh, how cyoote! can she sit on my lap for a minute?"

I had to wonder "do those people ever get visitors?" During the week, I saw few people, even in the later hours when people got off work and you'd think they could stop by and say "hi" to their parents. Mostly, it was Sundays when the family visits occurred; even then you could see the look of resignation on many of the visitors' faces.

Nope, being old with no kids is the least of my worries. If I end up in a nursing home (doubt it. I favor the Soylent Green end, myself) I doubt I'll be any lonelier than the residents who have kids.

Editing to add, on a lighter note IMO, feeling guilty that you've chosen (or been wired, as I feel myself) to be CF is like feeling guilty that you didn't become a doctor, or an astronaut, or a CPA. Having kids is a choice; a life path. Some of us say, simply, "I wanna do something else" and know that such a choice/path is what is the best, and most joyful, one to choose.

I know what you mean. After being stuck on my "vacation" with my sister-in-law and her horrible children, I kept thinking about how she and her husband were doing it all wrong, and how my husband and I could do it better. We could make happy, well adjusted children, who would learn computer programming from my husband and go out collecting samples in the field with me. Then they will go on to get their Phds, win Nobel prizes, and thank us in their speeches for being the best parents ever. It's a great little fantasy, but not a reality.

I'm a pretty capable person, and I'm sure that I could raise a kid or 2 to become productive members of society. But, I can't do it just to prove to the world that I can when I really have no desire to do so. I feel that would be an even worse reason to have children than the only 2 pros I had on my pros and cons list for having children (being "to see if we can produce red headed children" and "it would make my in-laws hate me less." It's like when I was growing up and everyone wanted me to join the basketball or volleyball team because I was tall. If I wanted to, I could have been great at it, I'm sure. But, that's not what I wanted to do. I come from a family of artists and musicians, and my passion (besides science) was singing. So, I was in the chorus every single year I was in school. That's what I wanted. I worked hard at it, and I was great at it.

I don't think being childfree is "taking the easy way out." Life is going to be hard no matter what you choose to do with it. None of my friends can understand how I manage to deal with 5 cats. I don't see any of them rushing out to the shelters to prove that they can also have 5 cats and keep a clean, nice smelling house.

When it all comes down to it, I think about it the same way I do when I go to the gas station in my pajamas, "Exactly who am I trying to impress?" Nobody. I just wanted a Snickers bar.

I'm with you, gullivera. It really makes me feel bad sometimes to be around my friends with kids that also work. Makes me think "Wow, they can juggle it all, and here I am just working the job and kicking back/relaxing while at home". I think it is so hard to feel this "inadequacy" but at the same time remind yourself that you know deep inside that you don't want to raise children. Sometimes I wish I did want children so I didn't feel like such a misfit. I can't help but feel that when I tell people that I don't desire my own children, they say they understand, but there is some fakeness about it (because their children/grandchildren mean the world to them).

Sorry about the brief rant. I've been feeling down on myself lately (again) -- my next door neighbor just had first baby, and a large number of church friends just had new babies as well.

I'm glad to report that this feeling of inadequacy was temporary, I'm back at being proud and happy to be CF.
I KNOW that had I decided to have kids, I would have been able to handle work and kids and whatever else, and even been good at it (I think). It's just that when I saw all these women juggling difficult kids, I thought in comparison I had a too easy and comfortable life and felt bad about it.

BTW, my sister is pregnant and I was nicely surprised that she appointed me as the future babysitter, although she knows I have no desire to have kids. Thing is, she understands that it's not because I don't want to have kids that I hate them.

Gullivera, you are lucky. The "inadequacy" thing seems to come and go over and over with me. I will feel OK and confident for a while, but at certain times (especially when a bunch of friends' babies are popping up all around me), I get hit with the hard feelings again. And the worst part is that I really don't even know how to lead a life in an environment with children. My experiences with children are nill to nothing, plus I have no nieces or nephews, so I wouldn't know what to do even if children showed up in my personal life by some means. I really do feel alone right now...again. And this is something that I don't even feel comfortable talking with my husband about. I wish I could just get rid of these guilt feelings and move on.

Hello Beth, do not despair. I too have never really been around children, I never did any babysitting in my life and basically I've tried to avoid them as much as possible. I'm excited my sister will have a baby because it's the first time that I can really be around one. Will I feel inadequate again? Most probably.

And about feeling alone too....not so much me, but I think my husband feels it the most, when he puts the TV on like all the time, with volume, even though he's not watching...I have the feeling that he just wants some "activity" in the house, and sometimes I think a baby would give him just that, plenty. I feel guilty for "breaking our vows" so to speak (we had agreed early on in the relationship that we would have kids). But I just have to remind myself that I have to be true to who I am.