BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids "I couldn't imagine life without them"...

Shortcatmama's post about her husband's hairdresser brought up something that's been bugging me lately. It's this thing that parents say when they find out you don't have children. "I just couldn't imagine life without my kids".

Of course they couldn't - they haven't HAD a life without their kids. And of course if I did have kids I would love them to pieces, just as I love my cat. I couldn't imagine life without my cat. But if I didn't have this cat and I'd never known her, life would be fine without her.

What are your thoughts on this statement? Of course, when people don't know WHY you don't have kids, it's potentially an incredibly cruel thing to say. To me it definitely is very a very condescending, rude, ignorant and excluding thing to say.

To me, it's the equivalent of me asking someone what they do for a job and them saying "I don't work" (without clarifying why, ie they may be unemployed and desperate about it) and me then responding with "Wow, I couldn't imagine life without a job".

I agree with you 100% Feebee. I think this is one of the things we hear most often...it's a little more courteous perhaps than the other out-and-out Bingoes. But, it feels really insulting to me too.

I'm sure they CAN'T imagine what it's like to have 20 years of freedom in the prime of your life. Too bad for them about that!!

I never know quite how to respond, because, "Gee, I can't imagine having kids" is true, but doesn't quite do it.

Like you, I'd prefer saying, "I can't imagine what it's like not being an _____(fill in blank with your job/hobby)," or better yet, "Maybe you have a stunted imagination!!" When you think about it, how sad is that that they "can't imagine" a life different than the script everyone else follows?

I'm really grateful to have my pets in my life, but it's not that big of a stretch to imagine life without them. I love them intensely, but, there would be other creatures to love, as there will be after they're gone (if I'm lucky enough to outlive them).

And one more thing...what will people like this do when their kids are grown up? My guess is they will be the parents who can't handle it when the apron strings are cut, are at a loss as to how to create a life for themselves, and forever drive their kids crazy with guilt trips and nagging for visits. Never met anyone like that!

I personally wouldn't equate it with a job, because for most people, jobs are necessities. Children are luxuries. They seem to be more so to me because even if I desperately wanted a child, I could not have one because the money simply isn't there. (So not wanting one actually makes my financial situation seem brighter. Does that make sense?)

Anywho, I managed to get severely off topic in a few short lines... I might equate the "I couldn't imagine my life without kids" analogy more with being a home owner versus being an apartment dweller. Some people stick with apartments because they want to, some because they can't afford a house, or can't handle the physical requirements of house care. But I've seen home owners look down their noses at apartment dwellers with no regard to the reasons.

Sure the person who's always lived in apartments doesn't know what she's missing, but if she chose not to find out (and face a 20 30 year commitment in the form of a mortgage), she probably can't imagine her life behind a picket fence and probably doesn't want to. Pretty freakin' similar, if you ask me.

It is insensitive and ignorant/rude because you don't know the other person's life situation (as Feebee points out) - if you do know they are CF, then it just sounds arrogant and/or narrow minded. (in my opinion)
I usually respond with, "yes, we do get used to our lifestyles, don't we"....they're never sure where to go then...
Even ruder - I once heard a man say that it was unnatural for a woman not to want kids - now, that's pure ignorance - perhaps, he lives in a room at the museum with the other dinosaurs!

I wonder why people have such short-lived memories when I hear that. I mean, you haven't ALWAYS had children. For instance, I remember how my sister and BIL were before they had children. And I really love my nephews, but I wouldn't say that life is BETTER with them in the picture, or that it was better BEFORE they were born.

It's just different.

Life is one big constant change.

It's like having dogs. I remember what it was like to not have a dog for those few short years in between my mom moving out (and taking the dog) and getting my own dog.

It was lonely sometimes, I missed having a constant companion, but you know what? It was also nice not going to the vet and cleaning up poop.

But it doesn't mean that that life was better, or that having dogs was better. I can't say that I can't imagine my life without dogs, because I know exactly what it would be like. And I do prefer having a dog.

People who use that phrase should really be saying, "I really like my life with my children." Not "I can't imagine it any other way."

My ex boyfriend is good friends with a Catholic priest, who taught at the school where he did his MBA. He was discussing his relationship with me with this guy (which annoyed me to start with - he wouldn't discuss the kids issue with me, but apparently he discussed it with everybody else on the planet) and this was his comment as well. This coming from someone who also has no kids, and has even sworn off sex. Talk to me about unnatural, you opinionated closed-minded jerk. And leave that altar boy alone.

Of course, when ex repeated this statement to me, you can be sure he got a glare that would have turned objects to stone. I can't believe that people still think that way, religious or not. What I do with my life is none of your damn business.

I'm sitting here thinking about this now, and the smug look on my exes face when he said it, like he'd been vindicated in some way, and it still makes me mad months later!

I did like the comment about the dinosaurs though - I'll have to remember that one!!

PS : I'm thinking about "unnatural" - how about I shove a basketball into your colon and leave it there for, oh, say, five months or so before you get to try and get it out - the hard way? That WOULD be unnatural, but if more guys had to go through that, you can be sure they'd be saying a whole lot less about pregnancy and childbirth.

Grrr...

I am really mad on your behalf. Yes, the man who never has to be a father or even take care of a partner, can sit there and say it's unnatural for a woman not to want to give birth.

[quote=Pikasam][quote=Deborah49]Even ruder - I once heard a man say that it was unnatural for a woman not to want kids - now, that's pure ignorance - perhaps, he lives in a room at the museum with the other dinosaurs! [/quote] My ex boyfriend is good friends with a Catholic priest, who taught at the school where he did his MBA. He was discussing his relationship with me with this guy (which annoyed me to start with - he wouldn't discuss the kids issue with me, but apparently he discussed it with everybody else on the planet) and this was his comment as well. This coming from someone who also has no kids, and has even sworn off sex. Talk to me about unnatural, you opinionated closed-minded jerk. And leave that altar boy alone.[/quote] Actually, I think it's possible that it [i]is[/i] natural. We are incredibly over populated, and I have a theory that more and more people will become like us and start choosing to not have children, not despite our will to promote our species, but [i]because of[/i] our will to survive and live in balance with the rest of nature. At least, that's what I hope. I don't mean to say I hope people stop having children, please don't misunderstand me on that. I just truly believe that our wish to not have children is a potentially a natural, biological response to a world with over population and limited resources.

The term "unnatural" in regards to women not wanting to have children really irks me. Why is it that because we are biologically designed to bear children that we are expected to just do it........to follow the lifestyle that "everyone else" does?

People need to start minding their own business and keep their comments to themselves. Ok....done ranting now....

Sooooo....unnatural like living in houses is unnatural? Or driving cars? Or eating food that comes in metal cans? Or getting vaccinations? Or going to the gym to work out? Or wearing clothes? Or playing a musical instrument?

I love these "it's not natural" arguments, which can apply to everything from having children to drinking milk. Guess what...although humans are animals, there's plenty of things we do that animals do not, and vice versa. That's what separates us as a species, for better or for worse.