BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Another, you will regret it comment!

Hi All, When will it stop? We were out earlier this evening with my husbands uni friends (he returned mature age to become a primary school teacher at 40). The girls were lovely, young, but lovely and invariably the conversation turned to family and I explained that I am childfree and comfortable with that. Obviously, some of them weren't. I got the old you will regret it, etc etc. I felt like I was being questioned, poked and prodded and ended up having to justify my decision yet again. I explained that I love kids and so does my husband (remembering he has a ten yr old daughter and is becoming a teacher) we just don't want any together and are happy with it. I said also being 40 and having step daughter off our hands in another few years will allow us the travel and freedom etc etc. (all the reasons we are all familiar with in making our decisions). Then one of them pipes up, well my mum had me at 41 so it's not too late and another said I am sure your Hubby would embrace it if 'it' happened when I explained that Hubby doesn't want any more. Then I got blunt and said - I have fixed that so it won't happen! Oh, she said and left it at that. One day, I just hope that people will stop treating me like an idiot that doesn't realise the decision I (we) have made and all it entails.... Sorry just a rant to the like minded really, have a great day! :)

Why, oh why can't ppl keep their blinkety opinions to themselves?? They COULD have said to you "Congratulations,I bet you enjoy your freedom to do what you want with your free time, and your money"... but no, they have to try making you feel guilty for NOT seeing things THEIR way.

Makes a person feel like banging your head againt a wall..... or should I say THEIR head.

cp

Hi Jeanie 70 You are welcome to rant all you like, as this is the one place where you won't be taken to task for making your OWN life choice. This is a great place for letting off steam as the silly comments we have to endure can raise the blood pressure! Like someone else said in another thread why are people so darn interested in another persons choice which frankly has no effect on their life or what they choose to do. It isn't as if you are trying to push your views as the way to go but they seem to think they have a right to push their views onto you and worse still don't seem to believe you when you try to defend your corner, as is you are so dim witted as not to understand what you are giving up....sleepness nights, tantrums,generally no life LOL. This forum is a godsend, a littel oasis for us CF's and at least here you know your chosen way of life is not up for debate!

Thanks Jewel and CP, Thank god I have you lot to vent to.... I sometimes feel like a leper (spelling?) because I chose this. I do have other friends who are gay and noone even asks those girls as it is almost a given with their life choices and another dear couple who have been unsuccessful due to fertility issues and they don't seem to cop it either....just me because I can ( or I assume I could) and have chosen not to...I too don't want to say I can't have them to shut them up because that itself brings a whole range of emotions into a conversation that don't need to be there, and really there are so many people put there on that situation these days, and for them it is tragic and my heart goes out to them! Now look, another rant! Again all, have a great day :) J

Ugh, I HATE when people do that. I really do. Especially when they want to know why someone doesn't have kids. For me, it wasn't my choice, and if I mentioned that, I got all the tips and tricks to get pregnant even down to "Just adopt, and you'll get pregnant." I thought that was hysterical. I have a friend who had a hysterctomy at 25, and she said someone said that to her once.

It's your own business. And goodness, a child is the product of something that is very private (well, for most people, what goes on in the bedroom is private), so I think it's just wrong that people want to know all about why some people don't have children. Maybe we should just say really blunt and rude answers. It might be the only way to let them know their question and then their comments are also rude.

Even though I'm single again, I still get questions. When people find out I'm almost 40, divorced after a 14-year marriage, and don't have kids, they make comments like "You were married for that long and didn't have kids? Why not?" Geez, it's not their business. Ya know?

But really, people shouldn't try to make us feel like crud when it comes to light that we don't have children. If anything, I'm better able to focus on things that parents can't find time for. I can visit the elderly in the nursing homes at Christmas. I can help my neighbors out when they need it. I have more funds, so I can donate more to charity or give to my extended family if they need something. People who have children are a bit too busy to do that, and their funds are all wrapped up in baseball or soccer or band uniforms or cell phones for their kids. We can pick up where they can't.

But I hate meeting new people. For one thing, people think I'm a lot younger than I really am (I still get people telling me they thought I was 25, and I'm 39 right now), so I get questions about my marital status (divorced but dating), then do I want kids (um, that time came and went a while ago), do I want to get married again (why do that again?), won't I be lonely later in life without children (no, because I try to surround myself with people who love me and choose not to judge me), etc. I have noticed that as more and more women are choosing to forgo (sp?) having children, that the questions don't seem as rabid as before. Also, now that I'm single again, people seem to want to marry me off instead of demanding to know why I have no kids. It really depends on the person I'm talking with though.

I've also learned to cut them off early and pull out pictures of my dog and my cats. The conversation changes quickly to dog stories, and I like that so much better.

Hahaha, it's great when conversations turn to pets, they are also children, no? and such BETTER children too, you can spoil them all you want, and they'll appreciate it! ;p

well said, Happy One. I found myself nodding in agreement as I read.

I too, get nervous meeting new people. you're just waiting for the kid question to come up. and for me its like having someone toss me a grenade. I try to keep it light and funny cause I dont want to have my choices under the mircoscope yet again.
I once said, "Yes, I have three beautiful babies. Kira, Ivan and Morgan." THEN I whipped out the pictures of my birds! my friend (CF also) who came with me was practically on the floor laughing when I said, "Oh, and thats Morgan on the swing. he loves swings." and "Kira just learned how to say 'apples please'"

yeah, some people that night might have thought I'm nuts, but its better than having some stranger try to convince you to have kids...and correct me if I'm wrong, but has anyone ever had that line of questioning end well? usually either I feel uncomfortable or both parties feel uncomfortable.

Marie751, you are so right! The one thing I am yet to understand is that uncomfortable feeling I get where I want to be elsewhere NOW! I feel so judged at times, or am I really judging myself from a primal instinct level? hmmm.. J

It could be both, after all, humans are social animals, it is too hard to tell the difference between what we are and what has been taught to us by our group of fellow creatures. And for humans, that is a very big group: it is more than parents, siblings and a stable group of more or less distant relatives (like it could be the case by some apes) we have school, biology books and classes explaining things in a certain way, we have the media. We can end up buried in layers of other people's views!

Jeannie70,

I will be completely honest. When someone trys to debate or question me, I feel like I am standing before a congressional hearing trying to explain myself and not get in trouble. It feels like the room goes silent and all eyes fall upon me. I feel like I am being rejected or found unworthy. and yes, I shouldn't care what people think but sometimes it really makes me feel like I am a freak to society. just like everybody else, I want to feel liked and accepted just the way I am.

I have had some who ask questions because they are curious or want to understand and then they are like "ok" but most of the time, it feels like I am not being respected. saying "you will regret it later" or "you are making the biggest mistake of your life" does not make me feel good. and its not like they are trying to convince me to give Kesha another try because they like her, they are going after a core value...like religion or a belief structure. they are telling me I am living my life wrong, and I feel the urge to respond in kind. who are you to pass judgement on me? is what I want to scream sometimes.

I also agree with with Solalux said.