BellaOnline Forums Family Child Abuse What can grandparents do??

My daughter is 22 yrs. old, married with two sons and one on the way. She has bipolar disorder,(among other things) but refuses to take medication. So, she has violent outbursts often. Her main target is her oldest son who will be four this month, *Jack. She has also showed signs that she abuses the two year old, *Sam. Several witnesses have seen her rages and how they are centered at the kids. Whatever does not go her way, she blames the kids, mostly, Jack. She has been seen hitting them, yanking their arms, cursing them, telling them they are bad. Dept of Children's Services (DCS) has been called several times and each time, nothing is done to protect them. I will start with a little background. She was abusing Jack while she was still pregnant with him. She wold fly off and start hitting her stomach when, blaming him for any reason at all. at two months old, my sister witnessed her slap him hard across the leg b/c he was crying. When he was two, my other sis, witnessed her twist his leg so hard that she thought she had broken it. I have witnessed many screams and horrible words thrown at him. She was being so cruel to him one night, I took him away to hug him and she yanked his little arm so hard, I thought she had pulled it out of the socket. My mother has witnessed her slapping him across the head, telling him how much she hates him and what an evil kid he is. My husband and I stopped buying clothes for Jack b/c we found out she was selling them to consignment stores and taking to the money to go out to eat. He has hardly any clothes and there hasn't been a time that she has brought him to my house that he wasn't starving. She has told me she doesn't love him, but wont let him come stay with me who loves him with all my heart. As for, Sam, she actually holds him and hugs and kisses him. Jack never, ever gets that...ever. However, he's always dirty and hungry when they come to my house. I normally feed them, then bathe them. I have herd her scream at him to shut his mouth when he was just a few months old. He has literally fallen down steps and stairs about 15 times. He can barely speak and when he does try, he sounds like someone who is deaf. I have told her to get his hearing checked, but she wont. I think he has either fallen so many times that he has some kind of injury or maybe she has hit in the head and is afraid the doctor will know that. She has been arrested for Domestic Violence on her husband. She is always talking bad about him and calling him names to the kids. He works, comes home and Kayla starts in on him about if he talked to any women that day. He is an alcoholic who stays sober for a year at a time. Falls off the wagon for a couple days and then sober for another year. However, he stands by and accepts the way she treat those kids...his kids! I honestly believe he lets her so she don't start with him. All of these things are things she has done in front of people. Now, can you imagine what she does to them when she's alone with them??? I can only imagine the fear they feel when she goes into one of her fits and they have absolutely no one to protect them. Can you imagine being a small child and this monster coming toward you in a fit of rage? Her face even contorts when she is having an episode! So, here I am trying my best to do something. She has been reported to DCS and just by me. I have called the police, city and county. I have went to the police station and sheriff's dept to try and get help. I have went to the Children's Advocacy Center and couldn't get help. Every time DCS has come to her house, they have given her a one to two week warning of the day and time they would be there. So when they get there, the yard that has about two feet of grass normally, is mowed. The disgusting porch is cleaned up. The normally filthy house is cleaned. Jack even gets sheets on his bed that night. A "luxury" he usually doesn't have. There will be fruit and veggies in the kitchen. The kids are clean and Jack has been coached and threatened of what to say or not to say. So, the 22 year old case worker says everything looks okey-dokey and leaves them with the psychopath. Then once again, She will not allow me to see them. Then I feel even more helpless b/c I don't know where they are or if they are hurt. She will eventually need something from me so I get to see them again. But they are her leverage, they are her prisoners. So, now I have been to all these places, filed all these papers, talked to and literally begged all these people to get help for them. I always come up empty handed. I know in my heart that she will kill Jack one day. Everyone in my family feels the same way. She can't control herself and then the day will come and I will lose him. He will die at her hands...then whose fault will that be? If anyone has any information to help me to help these boys, please let me know. Maybe one day, they will have a safe and loving home with Grammy and Papa, but until then they are in danger every moment they are with her!

You say "She has been reported to DCS and just by me" did you mean to say and NOT just by you?

This sounds like a nightmare of a situation and I truly hope that a poster who knows a good way to get results can make some suggestions.

I know that you must be frustrated and frightened out of your mind to do because it seems to me that you've gone through the proper channels and that the social workers are having the wool pulled over their eyes. I'm so sorry that I don't know what to tell you but please don't give up trying because it sounds like those children really need someone in their corner.

I'm sorry. I did mean, "not just by me". There have been several reports and I have no clue who the others are that reported her. I think the first call was when Jack was around a year old. Someone reported that she had gotten mad and thrown a brush at him and hit his little head. I forgot to mention I was told by one dept. that they were not abused enough to do anything. Not abused enough?? What a twisted place we live in!

BWilson, if I were you I would get a free half hour consultation with a lawyer (look in the phone book for a lawyer who specializes in child abuse) and find out what your rights are (can you legally take the children away from her, etc) and find out all your options. Those kids are the first priority and their physical safety, emotional health is of the utmost priority.

I think that the system is so overloaded that DCS and other such agencies just hesitate to take on new cases. Is DCS the same as CPS (Child Protective Services)? Do you have a local CPS you can call?

Our DCS is the same as CPS. I had contacted an attorney before and was told it was very hard to get children taken out of the home, but he did not specialize in child abuse cases. I will take your advice and thank you very much. I have learned that emotional abuse is the hardest to prove and given Jack's age, I am told he is not a reliable witness. Of course, spending only a few moments with him, anyone can tell. Thanks again!

Try this link and see if there is anything there that can help you. Reporting Child Abuse

Reporting child abuse is mandatory.

Here is another helpful link:
Mandatory Reporting of Child Abuse

Thanks again...very much appreciated.

BWilson,
What you describe happening just breaks my heart! You are right, in that Jack is in great danger. My fear is that during one of his mother's episodes with the Bi-Polar disorder, she will hurt him seriously, if not fatally.

Have you talked to your son-in-law about the abuse she is doing to their kids? If so, what has been his response? I sincerely wish he would start the proceedings to get his children the help they so desperately need.

My advice to you would be to document everything. When you do see them, take pictures of any bruises they have, welts, dirty clothing, odd behaviors etc. Document everything with time and date and keep all documentation in a safe place, so she has no access to it. When you feel you have enough documentation and pictures, go back to CPS and show them the documentation and pictures.

Since she is also abusing her husband, he needs to be encouraged that there is truly no shame in his reporting the abuse and getting the professionals involved. Men do get abused by women. It does happen and oftentimes, men are afraid to go for help, out of shame and embarrassment. Please encourage your son-in-law to go for help when she hurts him. When she is out of control, have him call 911 right then, so the officers can intervene.

I hope this information helps you. Please do keep us posted.
Kelli

Please be relentless about this! Your little grandson's life depends on you. Do ALL the above posters tell you.

To that, I will add a little known secret: find a local, eager young journalist who is hungry for a story to follow. It would be a great story to follow what really happens and how abused kids fall through the cracks of the system...and how grandparents CAN help. Call, email or visit your local newspaper to find a news reporter.

Tell them that you have gone to all the support agencies and they are doing nothing. Do document everything for the news reporter to use. Let me tell you, news reporters love nothing better than to sniff out a story about the government not doing its job. They are the watch dogs of the government. And, if a innocent child is at stake, all the better.

Good luck and God bless.

Kelli, I have talked to my son-in-law, but he would rather her wrath be on the children than him. He told me he has "talked to her about being mean to Jack". That does no good. He is an alcoholic who has gone to jail for DUIs and she never lets him forget it. On the other hand, the last time he went on a binge, she was not home and he took the kids to the store, drunk, to buy more beer, He calls my daughter fat and tells her she is a wh**e in front of the kids, so really he's no better than her. So not sure what to do on that end. I'm not sure why she refuses to take meds. When she does, she acts so normal and happy. I sometimes think she likes being the way she is and I know that sounds crazy, but she seems to revel in it. She has a horrible father who wasn't in her life much growing up and when he was, he lied constantly to her and my son then would make up for it by buying them things. She buys her kids things after being mean to them too. But I told her that she is an adult and knows right from wrong and can't continue blaming her childhood for the way she treats her children. It just doesn't get through to her. Thank you for your response. This seems to help me more than anything else. Just knowing there are people out there concerned and trying to help. Chi, I never thought to go to the media. We are, what most would consider a small town. Our paper has about 8-10 pages and it's mostly community life stuff. But we are close to a much larger city and I may try that. I also even thought about writing to out state representatives and begging for help there. I will start documenting these things if ever I get the chance to see them again. Every time I do or say something she doesn't like, I am not allowed to see them. My husband and I are just about the only stability they have ever known. They love us as much as we love them. So I know it's hurting them not to be able to see us too. Like I said before, they are her leverage. I have walked around on egg shells most of the time, so I could get to see them. But, that is selfish of me. Someone has to stand up for them b/c they are too small to stand up for themselves. As I am sitting here typing this, a thought comes to my mind. My 80 yr. old mother was eating with them at the Cracker Barrel and told me a horrific thing. Jack didn't like what his mother had ordered for him and he reached over to take a chicken strip off his mother's plate. My mother told me that my daughter grabbed Jack's wrist and told him that the chicken was hers and he better never touch her plate again. She then continued to berate him about this stupid piece of chicken. My mom tells me that Jack puts his little head down and keeps it there. When his mother gets her fill, she tosses a little piece of chicken she didn't want on Jack's plate and tells him he can have that. What breaks my heart the most of this entire thing is that he picks it up and eats it. How many of us would have done that? How degrading would that have been? I have cried so long I barely keep my eyes open. If you knew these kids, you would see how precious they are. They are sweet and loving toward me and my husband. I just love them so much. I just can't understand, in America, how this can happen!!