BellaOnline Forums Beauty and Self Stress Management Stress with a Partner

Dianne -

I'm so sorry you have to go through that. It is insidious how parents can cause trouble. I think you are doing the best you can do - ride out the "storm" and wait for things to return to normal.

Oy, I have been dealing with this for years now.

He is very shut down, and does not like to communicate. He can do the superficial stuff okay, but when it comes to talking about feelings, and what I feel I need and what he feels he needs, it just doesn't happen. I'm not sure if he's scared, or thinks I'll say something he can't deal with.

It's exhausting though, and though I've thought of leaving, it still doesn't seem like the best idea.

Deanna -

I know that books like "men are like mars" can be very cliche - but I do also think that boys are raised by our society to hide feelings. They are shown in movies that men are solid rocks, that they don't cry, that they hold firm while women weep and cling to them. And to be a little fair, I think some women reinforce that. The women want to be able to break down and know their man will be dependable and there for them. So as they grow up and over time men learn that the proper way to be is stoic, solid, quiet. They are shown in the locker room and in movies that to show emotion is to be weak. Only sissies cry. Only girls get hurt.

So I wouldn't blame him *totally*. We can all overcome our childhood with a lot of effort, but it's not easy.

Just look at how many women are raised. They're raised to take on all burdens, to not ask for help, to do whatever needs to be done. Even though we know it's not healthy and are told that many times, we still do it because it's part of what is ingrained in us. It's a very hard message to fight.

So I would take it in very tiny chunks. You are having to undo decades of firm instruction. Show him gradually over time that it is OK.

Heck, I have been with Bob for 15 years and he still remembers vividly the way he was raised, the way he was taught to be. Those messages are very strong.

I LOVED the Men are from Mars books. I tried to get my hubby to read them LOL! That went well HA HA HA!!

I do recognize that when I'm really stressed, I don't feel like trying.

I also recognize that when I make it really clear to him - he always does what I want him to do.

I think that at this point in my life, I'm just needing some support without having to explain how I want it LOL!

Though, he should still get a break - if I went to a Life Coach or counselor, I'd have to let them know what I wanted.

That is true - I think until you find a telepathically minded alien, that you might be stuck with either verbally or with words on a computer / piece of paper, conveying what you want