BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Cassie67 - How are you today?

Cassie - You husband sounds so financially irresponsible - I hope that you will not have to suffer any more because of his selfishness. Has he tried to re-negotiate his student loans? Has he tried to get the credit card companies to lower the interest rate, or even tried to get them to settle for a lesser amount? Can he possibly get a loan from his parents or other family member(s) to make this happen? Hopefully, the credit cards are not in your name also, or you may become liable for them as well...

Lady M: My husband has been financially irresponsible for most of the years we have been together. This is one of the main reasons why I couldn't imagine giving him children. Just in the past couple of years has he gotten better, but the damage is already done. Because of things I was lacking in my marriage I also had a problem with spending that lasted a few years. He started years ago where as my spending spree was more recent. I have pretty much gotten most of it under control. As far as I know I am an authorized signer on his cards but not co-owner. He can take my name off and he may already have done that. My credit wasn't considered for this, and the credit cards I have are just in my name. He has more credit card debt than I do, but my balance is still very high and close to the amount he owes. I think he will probably go into some kind of debt consolidation/credit counseling situation where they combine all the cards together and I think settle with the card companies for less. There is one payment a month that covers all the cards and it would be less than what he pays now. But I think from what I've read, if you do this type of thing all of the cards will be closed and your credit standing suffers almost as bad as bankruptcy. I will not be doing that with my cards. I will just suckk it up and pay my debt off. He deferred his school loans yet again for another year (now payments are scheduled to begin in Jan 2011) and that will cost him an additional 9K in interest for this deferment. His loans now total something like 140K. Frankly, I don't care what he does with this stuff or if he bankrupts himself. It's his loan, not mine. I have to stop caring about him because all I get is a lot of pain when I do care. Today I was just thinking to myself how awful it is that such a beautiful relationship that started so long ago could become such an ugly thing right now. I know it will get worse as time goes on. Once he knows I will financially ruin him for a long time he is going to be a real b@stard. Excuse my bad language. Of course he won't think that any of that will be the result of anything that HE has done. I don't like feeling this hate and anger towards him. I am SO not that kind of a person. It goes against the grain for me and it does not bring me peace or joy to be mean. I have to shut the little voice off in my heart that still wants to be kind to him and to love him. I need to stand up for myself and look out for myself for once in my life. I promise to continue to keep you posted on what goes on with me. You and misstalia have been especially kind, as well as many other women here on this forum. Thank you all for your support and compassion. In the months ahead things may get too crazy to write all the time, but I will definitely post here when I can. All of you ladies out there are caring, strong, lovely women. I am so blessed to have found such a wonderful source of support, and that was just by chance while messing around on google one day.

Cassie - it is OK that you still love him. Of course you cannot turn off your feelings. But, right now, you must love yourself more. Your well-being and future well-being are being threatened by his actions. You are being forced to defend yourself. If he protests, kindly and patiently explain this to him. Be kind to him, but be resolute about what you must do to protect yourself, and about what type of behavior you will and will not accept from him. Remember, the financial pickle he is in is of his own making. Also, do you have your own attorney? It is perfectly appropriate that you are angry with him. You would not be human if you weren't. Feel your anger, but do not allow it to consume you. Use it to allow you to act in your own best interests, and let him take care of himself. Become a force to be reckoned with!!

I consulted with an attorney on my own to see what I'd be entitled to. She said I can go into court on my own if I want to represent myself, but I am thinking of borrowing money from my family so I can hire her to represent me. I just don't want to mess things up for myself in court because I am nervous or upset. Originally my husband and I wanted to do an uncontested divorce and not use attorneys in order to save money, but maybe he was steering me that way so he could talk me out of wanting alimony. Thankfully the anger I feel is not consuming me. Sometimes I feel empty inside, and I do feel sad too. Sad to lose the dream I had when we first fell in love and we thought it would be forever, that nothing would ever separate us. I'm sad to lose the man he was back then.....a man who thought I was beautiful in so many ways, a man who was romantic and devastatingly sexy (he really is just average looking but he could turn me on like nobody's business!), a chivalrous man, a smart man with lots of potential to really make it in life. It seemed like we would have it all. So for that I grieve. Even up until a few weeks ago we were still having fun together and I really miss the peaceful comraderie we shared that is now gone. It really hurts that things changed so quickly, and the divorce papers were filed in the blink of an eye. I think this is why I am still in disbelief, but I have to remind myself that he seems to have a lot of personal issues going on now, and he won't be swayed by anything I say. He may even have someone else now although he has denied that. And why would he admit it anyway? Did I mention that he cheated on me about 10 yrs ago? A one night stand with someone in a hotel room, and also some time after that twice he paid for prostitutes to give him oral. Yup, all while married to me. I should have left him then but he was going through some serious health problems at the time so I put him first before my reactions to finding this out. He admitted to these things only because he thought he was going to die and he wanted to unload his guilt on me. A part of me resents him for failing to be a proper husband. I know in my heart that had he been all that I dreamed of for myself, I would have had a child or two with him. In a way I am sorry I didn't have children earlier in life, and I can blame him for that. He was too immature and irresponsible in so many ways (and sometimes emotionally weak) that I buried any feelings I had about wanting children. When I told him this recently he became very angry with me.....so now in his mind it really IS my fault that we don't have kids, as if my telling him years ago that I wanted to have a family would have made him grow up. I highly doubt it. So in a way I feel a bit cheated out of that life experience, and certainly I feel betrayed.

I certainly understand this part. Althought my decision to not have children is very personal and I would never blame my husband for this, I think up to a certain point we are also influenced by them (our husbands). As I was in the process of making my decision, I certainly wondered if he had all that it takes to be a good father (even though this would've NOT changed my mind). Thankfully (for me), he does NOT! He's selfish, self-centered, very independent, has not much patience, hates cooking, loves his free time, and very often he's ONE BIG BABY himself! At times he's also immature and acts spoiled. He wouldn't change a bit if I had told him I wanted a family.
I have pointed out all this to him, and told him why it's best we remain a CF couple, and I know that deep inside he knows that I'm right, he just hates to admit it (big male ego).

Cassie, don't feel bad about your husband not being father material, it's certainly not a crime. After all, all these years, you loved him because of who he was and you still do if I understand correctly. Nobody's perfect, we all have qualities and flaws, it's just a question of doing what's right for us given our personalities and attitudes.

It just upsets me that all of a sudden he goes into some sort of mid-life crisis and really needs kids now. Where was this determination and focus years ago? Yes, I still love him, but at this time I still don't see him being truly ready for the responsibility......emotionally, financially, and otherwise. He claims there is no money to pay me alimony but he thinks he can support a family. The man is dillusional. The amount of regret I have for being CF is very small. During our marriage I only reacted to his manner and attitude and protected myself when I made my decision, and I also took into consideration the state of my own mental health and our never-ending financial problems. It would have been very irresponsible and stressful to have had children with my husband years ago. Now for the most part at my age I am happy with my peace and quiet, personal space, and freedom. Today it is difficult at best to raise children and I am too old to want to take that responsibility on now, even though I would have considered adopting or fostering an older child down the road if it would have saved my marriage.

I hear you! A lot of men (just like women) have kids "just because they can". They don't thoroughly think about their decision and most importantly if they would make a good mother/father.

It upsets me too when I hear my husband say that he might want to have kids someday. It upsets me because I don't think he's asked himself if he has what it takes to be a good father, or seen the reality of it, and I mean REALITY. Just wanting a baby for the sake of it is not good enough, like hello! Kids are not toys you play around with. Grrrr!

I think too many men don't think about all the work and stress involved in raising children because they assume that the woman will do most of the work anyway. This is usually how it goes and I think it is why so many women are run ragged all day long caring for their kids. Their men are not much help!

I feared that this would be my case as well if I had children, and seeing as my husband acted like a kid a lot of the time I already had my fill of that.

Cassie - have you spoken to your lawyer yet? I hope you have done what is necessary to have your own attorney. What happens with your settlement will affect your life for the forseeable future - it is difficult enough to lose your husband and go through a divorce - to add extreme financial hardship on top of it will add untold stress to your life. Please put yourself first, and let his problems remain with him. Truly - I don't see how he thinks he can afford a child (even if he even finds someone to share in this project) if he cannot even afford to do right by you. Grrrrr.... One day he WILL wake up - but it will be too late. Don't worry too much about him giving you a hard time - you will be clear across the country. Besides - he has to start looking for a parenthood partner as soon as possible - he will not have time enough to waste taking revenge on you. Oh, and be sure to tell him that you want all of this to be done quickly, so that he can begin his quest as soon as possible - that you don't want to hold him up, that it would be best for both of you to do so. See what he does - whether or not he is in a hurry will give you an idea of what he is willing to give up for his freedom. I know this seems harsh - but you need to know where his head is at right now.

I have consulted with an attorney during a free consultation and I will be hiring her to represent me. I have to fill out some paperwork for the court as a response to my husband suing me for divorce, and I have to check off that I will be seeking alimony. I think he will be notified of this and we still live together so I can see him becoming extremely angry with me. He may stop paying for the care of my horses or some other such thing that will put me in a bind.

I won't be living across the country until the entire process of this divorce is over, so a lot more stands to happen here before I move. I am expecting things to get ugly.

He is definitely in a big hurry to begin his quest for having a family. Within two weeks after telling me he wanted a divorce, when I thought we were still talking and trying to work things out, he filed the paperwork to proceed. In his mind he is running out of time to get his "dream". At almost 40 yrs old he is going through a mid-life crisis.

When I mentioned to him that the attorney had said I was entitled to half the marriage in alimony (approx 8 yrs in payments) he hit the roof. He said there was no money for alimony, and that I was going to ruin his chances of ever having a family.

Evidently his needs are much more important than mine, and it does not matter that I loved and supported him for the past 19 years.

So yes, he cannot afford to do right by me, and I know he thinks that I am not entitled to alimony at all. I guess that is because he feels I am a smart woman who can go to school and get a good job to support myself (it makes no difference that I supported him through 8 yrs of his own schooling for the betterment of "our" future together). I am smart, but at almost 43 I have no desire to start long-term schooling.

Sometimes he can be a crass and cold SOB.

Bottom line....if he can't afford to pay me alimony, then how will he be able to pay for diapers, wipes, lotions, clothes, formula if the baby is bottle fed, blankets, etc. etc.??? And then as the child grows up there is everything else to consider...more food, clothes, school supplies, extra electricity and laundry detergent, gas to cart the kid to and from school and everywhere else.....just every-day needs. And I am sure he'd like more than one child.

Like I have said in past posts, the man is dillusional. He is going to need to find a woman who has money, on top of the fact that she will need to be compatible with him. He will need more than a little luck to accomplish all of this...