BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Cassie67 - How are you today?

Cassie - I was thinking about you today - how are you doing? I am so sorry for what you are going through - and I do understand...

Lady M: You don't know what it means to me that you posted a message here just for me. Thank you so much for your concern. I am hanging in there the best I can. I am trying to shut off my feelings for my husband but I am not very successful. We are still living together even though he has already served me papers for a divorce. We really don't have the money for him to move out and I am not sure that I want him to move out anyway. It is hard for me to see him and not be able to have him in every way. I am still so in love with him and I know he cares deeply for me, but he said he is treating our situation like something he does at work.....without emotion. He is deliberately shutting off his feelings for me and has tunnel vision in regards to his quest to make a family for himself. He gets mad if I talk about our situation. I think he is afraid that I will be able to change his mind about staying married to me. He won't allow that to happen because the only way to make his babies is to leave me. I'm trying to be strong but unfortunately because I love him so much and I know he still loves me too in his own way, I weaken. I hate that I have to be like this. I cry in front of him sometimes and he gets mad when I try to talk about our situation. He's made his decision and that is that. I want to still be intimate with him too, which is making him uncomfortable (my friends who know about this think I am crazy for trying to be intimate with him). He claims there is no other woman waiting in the wings but he has a hard time thinking about giving in to me. What guy turns down free and available intercourse? I know I have to let him go because we are divorcing, but I am just not ready yet. Even with his flaws I consider him to be the love of my life. I know I have to go through the grieving and healing process like everyone else, but I wish the process was over with already. The sadness and disbelief is overwhelming. I'm trying my best to survive this process in whatever manner I choose, no matter how weird I may seem to some people, including my husband.

Cassie - I am so sad that anyone has to go through this. I went through it also - it is a pain I would never wish on anyone. I, too, loved my husband with all my heart - but unfortunately, that meant nothing to him. My pain meant nothing to him. He was totally heartless and cold towards me. He walked out, and didn't look back. He had someone in the wings, a twice-married woman whose second divorce was not even yet final. But she had a 5-year old daughter with whom my husband saw as his only chance to "play Daddy" with. I found out later that he spent a considerable sum trying to get the new wife preggers - he had to, I guess, in order to pretend that it was just me preventing him from procreating, even though the doctors had told him that he was sterile. Your husband may very well have someone waiting in the wings, someone who feels the same way he does, wanting a child (or telling him that). My ex's now wife told him that yes, she wanted a child. But she knew he couldn't have kids - if she really wanted another child, why would she marry a man who was sterile? My husband was so desperate, that he just went for it, not thinking it through. She is bi-polar, and his life has been a real emotional rollercoaster. But I guess it was worth it to him, because he finally got his "role" and his Kodak moments. Even if your husband finds someone else and marries, there is no guarantee of a child - she may be infertile, or he may turn out to be infertile. It happens. Then what? He will begin to regret what he did then. Unfortunately, there is no way to reason with someone who is obsessed, and totally concerned for only their own happiness/fulfillment. By the time he wakes up, if he does, you will have moved on. Even if my ex divorced his wife and told me he wanted me back, I would never take him back. I could never trust him again, the way a wife needs to be able to trust her husband. As Oprah says - once someone shows you who they really are, believe them. You are a stong, brave woman - I know you will get through this. I won't lie to you - it will be the hardest thing you have ever done, reclaiming your life and coming out on the other side. It took me a long time to get past all the anger and extreme emotional pain. I am happy on my own, and really love my life - in many ways it is so much better now. But because of what I went through, I have trust issues - I don't know if I can ever let myself get close enough to a man again, enough to have a relationship again. Please know that you are not alone - rely on your family and friends, and all the wonderful women here. Mourn your loss as long as it takes, and be gentle with yourself. My prayers and thoughts are with you.

cassie, I think of you often...even though I don't know you. I remember in a past post you saying something in reference to your divorce to the effect of 'missing your husbands every nuance' Does he realize how FORTUNATE he is to have someone that loves him that deeply? Have you written him a letter; sometimes it's easier to communicate that way?

Cassie - I left a message for you on my other thread "Baby-obsessed men" - I meant to leave it on this thread, but messed up. Hope you had a peaceful day today. I was reading another post of yours about how you just became CF as a response to your husband's immaturity, financial issues, etc. I could have written that, as well! I, too assumed I would eventually have them, but due to financial concerns, among other things, it just never seemed like a good idea. As time went on, I began to realize that I liked our life just like it was. Only he didn't, but didn't vocalize it for a long time. Instead, he became passive-agressive towards me, treating me badly, and cutting me off emotionally and physically (refusing sex), and tried to emotionally blackmail me into adopting my niece (who was five at the time, living with my parents in another state. I was just supposed to ask my brother to give up custody, take her away from the only life and home she had known, just to satisfy my husband's need to "play Daddy")?. He tried to get me to sell our home, move into an apartment, so we would have the funds to try to adopt. That I realized, was just an attempt to take his share of the equity and leave. After all of this, I definitely realized that he did not love me, nor did he want our marriage, and even if I "gave" him a child (he's sterile, remember), he would probably still leave me, and even if he didn't, our marriage really meant nothing to him. So, as much as it hurt - I had to let him go (not that I could have stopped him) - he was VERY determined, and VERY self-righeous about his decision to leave me. One good thing he did - about a month after he walked out, he told me that he wanted to sign the house over to me (he thought, apparently, that it would relieve him of the obligation to pay his share.) I got my lawyer to have the papers drawn up the next day and he signed them. I don't think he fully understood what "Quit Claim" meant, because about six months later a co-worker of his called me to tell me that she heard him on the phone with his attorney, asking if there was any way he could get his half of the equity in the house back from me. LOL!!!!!!!!

Lady M and misstalia: You ladies are great :) Thank you for your kind and supportive words. I have told my husband how I feel about him, how I will miss all the little things about him. I am pretty good at expressing myself and he knows that I love him with all of my heart. We fought last night because I went to consult with a lawyer about what I am entitled to in a divorce settlement. I was told I can go for half the marriage in alimony, which is 8 yrs of alimony. Well when I told my husband that he was furious. He wants to take most of the debt and not pay me alimony. We still have to work out an arrangement on the house that he will stay in. We owe more than it is worth, and with all our debt we can't sell it or refinance at this time. I don't want to be financially responsible for the house. So my husband went off the wall and we argued. I told him to move out and he refused. I said if you want to make this ugly then I will definitely hire the lawyer (we thought we'd file without lawyers. I just went for a free consultation) and I will get all that I am entitled to. He said, "You will ruin my chances of ever having a family." And I said, "That is not my problem. This is what YOU want to do." The next thing I know I am telling him how I hate being a b*tch, and we start talking about our marriage again. I tell him how much I still love him (which I think he truly doesn't understand why) and he says he still loves me too (but being "in love" with me, I am not so sure). He is emotionally empty from all the crying and thinking he has done over the past year so now he says he doesn't feel anything. I don't think he knows what he is doing. We wound up embracing and holding each other, then going to bed to rest in each other's arms before going to sleep. I don't know what to make of all of this. There is more I can add here but I had a very busy day today and I have to stop writing for now. Have a good night, ladies. I will be in touch again soon.

I had to get back on here to update you. I asked my husband tonight if last night meant anything to him. He didn't understand what I was asking, so I said that it seemed he was softening his position. He told me, "Well I haven't changed my mind (about the divorce) if that is what you mean." I had allowed myself YET AGAIN to believe that there may be hope for us. I talked about adoption and fostering again last night, but that we'd look into that only after we work on the finances for a little while. It seemed that he was thinking about staying together and figuring out what we'd have to do financially to make progress. I watched his face and I swear he was thinking about something. He didn't want to let me go when we were embracing in bed. I stupidly thought he was feeling something for me that made him question his decision about getting a divorce. I was very wrong, obviously. Now I don't know if I should ruin his financial life even more by suing him for alimony or if I should just take my 20K in debt and my two horses and call it a day. Everyone says I should think of myself and get all that I am entitled to in the divorce settlement, but I know if I do that he is going to flip out and make my life miserable until the divorce is over. This roller coaster I am on with him has got to stop soon. I just do not know who this man is anymore, and I don't think he knows who he is either. I can't get over how he can act like he loves me one day and then he doesn't the next day. I need to get control of myself and try to let my feelings for him go. This situation is exhausting me and I need to get to bed early tonight.

Cassie - I am so sorry that your husband continues to play head games and mess with your emotions. Actually, it makes me just plain mad! You are ENTITLED to half of everything that was accumulated and acquired during the marriage - which means if he wants to stay in the home, he must give you half of the equity. You are going to need a financial cushion until you are able to get back on track again. I am assuming that his income is greater than yours, and as such you will be entitled to some sort of Spousal Support for a time. All of this is because of HIS selfishness! You did not ask for this - it is his decision to sacrifice your marriage at the altar of his obsession. You should not be the only one making a sacrifice. If he doesn't want the marriage, he should be willing to cut his losses in order to get out, as he has no justifiable reason to divorce you. It seems that even some who don't wants kids, when a spouse does, they agree the spouse has some sort of "right" to demand a child as a condition to continue to marriage. Since when is having a child a "right"? I may be radical here, but I believe that the marriage committment carries more weight than either party's individual needs for something that goes beyond love, mutual respect, companionship, financial responsbility, and fidelity. If he cannot "afford" a family because of the divorce, so be it. He will just have to grow up, save money, live fruagally, etc. Maybe he doesn't want it badly enough to make the sacrifies required? Well, he needs to wake up and realize that the sacrifices are only just beginning, and when you have a child(ren), they continue for at least 18 years, and in most cases, even more! After all, he hasn't even found someone with whom to make this reality yet (or has he?). If he was so concerned about this - he should not have waited for 16 years to make this such an issue. If he would have left earlier to pursue his obsession, he would have been in a much better financial postion to do so. But now it may be too late. Again, that was his call, wasn't it? He is now having to deal with the consequences of his choices, and he is not happy, as it may mean he may not get what he wants. Excuse me, but no one in this life gets everthing they want. Better that we are grateful for everything we do have. Guess it is time for him to grow up, and he will now have to do it alone, without the person who loves him at his side. Casse - your future well-being, especially financially, is at stake here - fight for yourself and for your future. You have earned it, and you are worth it!

Lady M: There is no equity in the house so I can't get any money from that. We have two mortgages on it that total more than what the house is worth due to the fallen housing market. We can't sell it because we can't come up with the 60K or so that we'd be short in paying the bank off. He can't refinance the house in his own name because he has credit card debt, school loans, a car pmt, etc. in addition to the house, so right now his debt to income ratio is too great. No bank will refinance the house just in his name. I know in my heart that I have to sue him for alimony but it makes me sick to my stomach to think about it. Yes, you are so right that this is his idea and he needs to make sacrifices to get what he wants. I guess he thinks it is ok that I have to go live with my mom and brother in their tiny two bedroom house where I get to sleep with mom in her bed. Oh joy... I have to go find a job in an area that I don't know at all and has a [censored] job market, I have to find a home for my horses, and hopefully make enough money to get my own apartment at some point so I can have some privacy. I am too old to be sleeping in mommy's bed! His life will not change much....he gets to come home to our very private house, entertain whomever he likes and take her into OUR bed, have his dogs, and go to his comfy job. If he never sells the house he will always have a place of his own with privacy and quiet. With my limited income potential and no savings I may never own a house again. I supported him in every way when he went to school for 8 years during our marriage. For what I had to sacrifice I will not get the benefits he will reap as a result of his having two masters degrees. There was always a focus on bettering him in order for us both to have a better financial future. He may feel that all the years I spent with him have no value, but I certainly feel they do. He may think I am being coldhearted to want alimony, which will further impair his chances of having a family, but he is being coldhearted to me in giving up on me and our marriage, after all the years I put him first. He resents me for not giving him kids, for pushing him away in bed for many years, and for not finding a job. I have been unemployed for over a year. It should only have been a temporary layoff for 3 months. That went to 6 months which brought me to June of last year. The company I worked for could not financially take me back and I really hoped to return there because I enjoyed the job. So last June is when I needed to start looking for other work but that was the time when my husband had moved out for 3 weeks to make a decision on whether or not to leave me. I was in hell for those three weeks, and even after he returned and we tried the marriage counseling I went into a deep depression. I could not handle looking for a job. I still have unemployment pay coming in which helps with the bills, but my husband doesn't like taking "free money" that we have to pay taxes on and he says I have a "lack of ambition". I never was a big career woman during our entire marriage, but in the past I have done decently enough with jobs. All of a sudden he wants to change me. Having two masters degrees and getting a great job of his own has now made him a pompous asss. He forgets how he was laid off two years in a row for 6 months each. He also lost his job last year for 5 1/2 months. Most of the reasons for this was the failing economy. So he was out of work three times in the not so distant past, and I never gave him any grief about it. I am now resentful of him, as well I should be. It was ok for him to have numerous emotional breakdowns during our marriage, which I handled with kindness and compassion. Evidently it is NOT ok for me to have a breakdown, a breakdown that HE had a hand in causing. So sorry for being a human being.... I am going to counseling, in case you were wondering. I also have a great network of friends that I talk to on a regular basis. Even with all the support it is a very difficult road for me right now. When the divorce is finalized, my stuff is moved out of here, I have my horses, and I am settled in with my family (thank goodness they are loving and supportive), hopefully I will be able to breathe a sigh of relief. Until then there will be some very tough months ahead.

Hi Cassie, I'm glad you have a support network of friends who are there for you. I don't know what I would have done without all my wonderful friends during that time, as well as my family (they live some distance away also). Yes, you definitely must fight for spousal support! It is the least that he owes you, after everything he has put you through. If he does not refinance the home, though, you will still be liable if your name is on the mortgage, even if he absolves you in the divorce agreement. Even a quit-claim deed does not relieve you of the financial obligation of the mortgage. Has he truly exhausted every possibility for refinancing in his name? Given his earning potential conferred by two masters' degrees, he should be able to manage this. As it stands now, even after you are divorced, if he defaults, you will become responsible, and if neither of you can pay, the property will be foreclosed and will adversely affect your credit. Until and unless he exhausts all possible means to refiance, I would not sign any agreements or finalize the divorce until your name is off that mortgage, or if it is truly impossible, some sort of agreemnt that if and when he ever sells, you will receive a portion of the equity based upon your contribution during the marriage. If he wants the divorce badly enough, he will find a way - take a loan out in his name only to pay the second mortgage or whatever it takes. It's time for him to put his money where his mouth is, and if he won't then you stay put and stand fast until he does. I'm sorry to sound so harsh - but he has thrown down the gauntlet, and you don't deserve to be forced to take the short end of the stick!