BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids I don't want kids, my husband (probably) does

Thanks for all the responses. HereToTalk - I was never considering leaving him over his refusal to answer me, but if he definitely did want a kid I think I would have to. I just don't want to find myself ten years from now having to deal with him finally telling me he does want one when I'm thousands of miles away from friends and family and having given up my life in the UK to be with him. I think I'm just really wanting an answer as the reality of leaving my country/friends/family is finally starting to kick in. I guess I'm just going to have to play it by ear and hope to god no 'little mistakes' happen!

Hey, have you heard of Essure? I can't get it because
I have a nickel allergy, but it may be an option for you.

Also, if your husband doesn't want to discuss it and you have a great relationship...maybe just leave it alone and enjoy your lives. Meanwhile do what you need to do so you DON'T get pregnant.

capybara: I HAD that talk with my husband before I married him and he led me to believe that he was fine with my not wanting kids. Well, guess what? He LIED!!! NOW what? No, seriously I really want to know...I can't even figure out the answer to THAT *LOL* "If he definitely wanted a kid, I think I'd have to"??? WHAT??? Are you SERIOUS??? That troubles me. If HE pulls that ultimatum on you, then say "don't let the door hit ya where to dog should've bit ya!" If that idea scares you, thinking you sacrificed so much to be with him, that leads me then to... misstalia: If her husband doesn't want to discuss it, I wouldn't rest easy with THAT at ALL. Seems like a timebomb set to go off at some point in time if you ask me. I would feel that the whole relationship up to that point (in a sense) was a waste because it was doomed from the start. I sort of feel that way about my marriage now. Although I love my husband very much and if I walked away I can say I learned some invaluable life experiences, the past couple of years, I feel, have been a waste because we're(I am) trying to make it work in spite of my knowing we're not right for each other(primarily because he has a different vision for the future than I do...he wants kids and I don't). We're holding each other back from a like-minded partner who wants the same things out of life. And also, FYI, have you checked out the prices for the Essure procedure? When I checked it out, it was in the 3,000+ range...probably because it involves surgery(as minimally invasive as laparoscopic surgery is, it's STILL expensive!) The newest to come off the line is Adiana. I really don't know much about it. I've only heard it's as effective as essure but doesn't cost as much. AND, as a BONUS, it's NON-metal, so those with allergies no longer have to worry AND it helps regulate your monthly ragtime if your flow is abnormally heavy. It's DEFINITELY worth checking out!!! I had to settle for getting an IUD. Most of them are hormonal, and since I've had hormonal issues to overcome, I knew it would mess with my balance and that's the last thing I need so I opted for Paragard. It's copper, and it does stay in the uterus (unlike Essure and Adiana) but it does the job well, it's non-hormonal and I never have to live through the tedium of having to always keep up w/my b/c or live through the horror of "am I or aren't I?"

I admitted to my husband 2 weeks after the wedding that I didn't want kids (after thinking that I did) but he wanted a family. Eventually he said he was ok with not having a family, but he LIED!!! This situation is definitely a ticking timebomb that WILL go off eventually. 16 yrs later we are now heading for divorce court because of it.

CactusHeart/Cassie - thanks for your thoughts. I suppose I could be in your position in a few years, that said, I might not be. I honestly don't know what he thinks/feels. I don't think he's 100% for kids so he isn't 'lying' to me when he says he's fine. If I thought he was lying to me I would have serious issues with it - how someone who claims to love you can lie to your face about something so important I don't understand. It doesn't help anything in the long run. I think he's simply been brought up with the 'marriage and kids' package ideal. As for saying I'd leave if he later decided he needed kids, I mean after serious discussion, alternatives like working with kids or even possible adoption of older children, I don't mean I'd throw in the towel at the first hurdle! I'm a traditionalist when it comes to marriage and I don't believe in divorce (husband even less due to Catholic upbringing.) I would never have married him if I didn't think we had a more than decent chance of making it work. With regard to the 'timebomb' issue I completely agree. However I don't want to keep nagging him about it when I always get the same 'it's fine' answer and for all I know this might be the honest answer! I'm beginning to think my obsession about him wanting kids is completely my own delusion! He rarely mentions it and seems to find it exasperating when I bring it up. He only once seriously tried to talk me into having a kid very early on and that was merely trying to convince me that he wouldn't be a complete bastard and cheat on me if I were to get pregnant (as my father did to my mother) and that he would pay for private medical care (as he knows my mother had rather horrendous complications/post partum depression) and he thought these were the reasons I didn't want kids. After one pregnancy scare that involved me having hysterics for three days flat he knows I'm serious about the no kids issue and hasn't brought it up since. Why oh why can't men come with those information sheets you get when you adopt a dog??! Dog: Good around other dogs, neutered, will destroy your shoes. Husband: Good, kind, annoying tendency to watch football all the time and has no idea how the dishwasher works, def. does not want kids. Life would be so much simpler!

Hi Cassie, do you think that those 16 years were worth it or do you regret it?

gullivera: I don't regret the 16 years I spent with my husband. Like someone else said on this topic, if you hang in there you may get everything you ever dreamed of. That's how I felt all along, and I always thought we would get better with time. We always had a lot of mutual repect, love, support, caring, fun, and laughter between us. I was happy with my husband and our life was not a picnic for a lot of it, but we were mostly good people to each other. So to have to learn to be without that important part of my life will be very difficult for me now. I will miss every little nuance about him. It was worth it to me to be married all these years because I really enjoyed being with my husband, even if it took a long time for him to "grow up". His regret is that he wasn't mature enough while I was younger to show me that he was ready to have a family. If I had seen that maturity and sense of responsibility in him I may have changed my mind and wanted a child with him back then. After all, I did have some maternal urges in the past. For whatever reason it just wasn't meant to be.

I suppose I could see the error in my statement. I was more trying to say..maybe he doesn't discuss it because he doesn't care either way and she shouldn't push the issue.... Also, yes essure is expensive and nickel and I've read about some bad reactions people have had. Thanks for telling me about the newest thing...I WILL look into it:)