BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids anyone ever wonder this about working moms?

The lady that I have for my kids is like a surrogate mother. She will never be me, but I know I can trust her. The first few times, yes, you'll worry and call and worry and call all day, but after a little while, that passes and you learn that your kids are fine. When you see them, they will be excited and happy to see you, which makes you all feel good. The time together is precious and not wasted. Every day we do something fun to remember, like dance silly to Irish music or sing songs together or play the tickle game or read stories or watch movies, etc., etc.

I spend every evening making dinner, cleaning, and taking care of them and it IS exhausting, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Sometimes I am depressed, but I remember how life was when I didn't work and it was worse for me. It's a personal choice and the best one for my family. My daughters will see that my decision to pursue a professional life as well as my role as a mother should be something to be proud of and is something women fought to attain with women's lib. My son will grow up realizing this as well and respect me for it and in turn respect other women for the choices they make.

Personally, I admire the women who can stay home with their kids. I can't do it and I just fall short of the expectations required to do it. I'm either not patient enough or not nurturing enough or something...I don't know, but it's not for me. If it is for you, then you should be proud because it is one of the hardest professions with the least amount of acknowledgement by society and I think you're amazing. Kudos to you women.

And kudos to my fellow working women because we learn the delicate task of perfectly balancing everything to take care of ourselves and our families. And if something should fall short, amendments are quick and painless. Life is full of disappointment and if someone gets disappointed, it's a lesson learned that it's not always fair.

And just to be fair, why isn't anyone asking the men this same question? Why is all the pressure on the woman? Are her needs not equally important?

Melodyfor3: BRAVO!!!

I really don't think doing it one way is better than the other in terms of staying home vs. working moms. I think it really depends on people's own personal situations and needs. I'm childfree and have no personal stake in this, but it seems to me that women are always d@mned if you do, d@mned if you don't no matter what. People are always going to have something to say, but they're not living your life. And to this: "And just to be fair, why isn't anyone asking the men this same question? Why is all the pressure on the woman? Are her needs not equally important?" THANK YOU for pointing this out. Funny, you never do hear anything about men struggling to balance work and family.

Women are judged badly for whatever choices they make surrounding children, be it have them / not have them, work / not work. And the worst of it is often by other women. You are so right. No one ever asks this of men. You never hear anyone talking about a busy working dad struggling to combine work and family life. My own partner seems to have just assumed that I will be a) a mum and b) a working one and also seems to find the idea of a busy working mum quite endearing, without ever thinking of the reality, let alone considering that he should combine work and family. Some women will probably always want to stay at home and some men will always want to be the breadwinner, but I believe rules need to change so parents can divide childcare up how it suits them. Men need to step up and not just assume the woman is going to do all the work. Like I said, my SO has assumed that I will be the main carer, even though I earn more than him. He doesn't even seem to consider both being part time or meeting half way, i.e. compromising his working life at all. He has not considered the practicalities of combining work and family, because, as a man, he believes this will not affect him. Until this is sorted out, I believe fewer and fewer women with good jobs will have children, which will equal fewer families capable of supporting themselves and fewer future tax payers, so it would be in the govt's best interests.

To add to my post above, I think some of the inequality stems from the idea that what *all* women want *more than anything* is children and are therefore happy to put up with any circumstances that allows them to have children. It seems to be a similar thing with the awful way some women in this country are treated during childbirth (I have done *a lot* of reading about this). It's an attitude of "why should we care, it's not like women are ever going to consciously decide not to have children. We can humiliate them all we like, as long as they have babies, they will be happy".

And another post (sorry!). What I meant above was that my partner does a lot of weekend work to supplement what he earns in the week. If we had children, it would be better financially if he looked after children on the weekend and allowed me to work or got finished on time and allowed me to work evenings, i.e. we shared the responsibility of earning and caring together, because we would be in a position where we could (I'm self employed). I bet that would not happen. He would keep doing overtime "because we need the money". The child(ren) would have to go into expensive daycare or be looked after by grandparents (more women!) and my business would go down the swanny. I wonder how common this is.

I think you hit the nail on the head there, crocus. That is exactly what it is.

A lot of people believe that it is a luxury for a woman to stay at home with her children (sometimes it might be, no doubt), because children are after all the very center of her universe anyway. The truth is, children are a lot of work, and need a lot of experiences that a mom alone can only provide if she is some kind of a super mom, not everybody is cut out to be.

I live in a city where a lot of women (some men too, but they are really, really in the minority) are forced to be SAHM/F, because their partners got a job here and have left their countries and started a new life. Well, it is very lonely, everybody is desperate to become friends with everybody and it doesn't often work, because children and their schedules are so demanding. I never wanted children, so I am not a good example, but this women always wanted children. They are intelligent, professionals and many complain too.

Being a SAHM can be a luxury if you live near your parents, your siblings, your best friends, but this is not really the most common thing nowadays. Otherwise it is a very hard unrewarding job, that everybody takes for granted, because as you, crocus, said, everybody assumes that having children is the best thing that can happen to a woman.

To my surprise even some childfree, who as a rule feel judged about their choice (and I can really, really relate there), and who would never ever have a child for the world (and again, I relate), feel free to judge women with children who don't give up everything to stay at home with them 24 hours a day!!!

I have to work because my husband is disabled. He broke his back at work 13 years ago and has something called degenerative disc disease now as a result of his injuries. He is still capable of doing a lot but he can not stand for long or sit for long period of times, therefore he can't work. His Social Security check definitely can not support a wife and 2 kids so I work full time to pay bills and his check is enough to pay rent and gas for the car. He is an excellent father which I have been truly blessed with. Anything that goes on at school, he is there. he takes them to sport practices, the library, helps with homework, etc. He is awesome and never complains about being a stay at home daddy. I would love to be a stay at home mom if the roles could be reversed but I love our life and I am grateful to have the job I have! Thank you for asking your question and it is great to see all the responses here so far to see how others live.

awww...today, after work, I said goodbye to the woman of the 6 month old at daycare, and I told her I had a stressful day and I was going home and relaaaxx...she said "well, you're lucky, because I'm tired too but I'm going home to my 2nd job, my REAL job" (taking care of her baby). Again, that broke my heart and I feel sorry for her...It's almost like she doesn't deserve it (to suffer). Apparently her husband doesn't even help her one bit in raising her child. She looks so "discouraged" and she's only 25.

Sometimes women just have to work to help make ends meet. Whether they have kids or not, it's just a fact of life. I do agree that location is a big factor.

There are some women who are very good at balancing work and home. My mom was one of them. I think it worked out well for her because she was a teacher, and she was able to be with us in the summers. But I know she would much rather have been at home and not in the classroom. Since my dad's paycheck was very very small (he ran a parochial school, and it barely kept us from government help), Mom had to teach. She taught at the parochial school, so her pay wasn't much either. But she was doing what she wanted, she spent time with my dad, and she was able to see us throughout the day at school (although I'd often hide when I saw her in the hallway at school).

I have several friends who are working moms and several who are SAHMs. One has triplets and wasn't wanting to work. However, with three kids (quite unexpected btw), she isn't able to stay at home with them because they have three kids instead of one like they had planned on. She's fortunate that her mom comes to her house and watches the kiddos for her while she works. She's now trying to get a work-at-home job, so she can be in charge of her schedule. I think that would be great for her. Another friend was a SAHM, but then she got pregnant unexpectedly as well. Her husband got laid off from his job, and she had to go to work. She's not happy with it, but she's coping.

I have all the respect in the world for women who can work, go to school, and raise a family all at the same time. I'm not working right now, and I'm in grad school. It's time-consuming. I can't imagine trying to raise a child at the same time.

And just to keep myself grounded, I babysit for friends, so I can see how hard it is. Kids rarely stop going. Finding any time to do anything is hard. I thought I had a break the last time I babysat and tried to make it to the restroom, but when the door handle clicked, he woke up. I don't see how people do it and make it look easy. It's HARD.

But then again, there's my great-great-grandmother who had 13 kids and said she never felt busy. I guess because she had all the kids do stuff for her. Plus it was a much different time back then. I bet her life was harder than she said because back then, women didn't talk about their feelings much at all.