Dear 4polar--
Maybe things have (hopefully) settled down a bit. Stepparenting is the hardest thing I've ever done and I've had tons of training. Stepparenting brings out feelings we didn't know we had, bad feelings like rage and jealousy that would never thought would be in us.
Yes, when we marry someone with children from a previous marriage, we marry a package deal, ex included. Some second wives become obsessed with reducing contact with the ex and/or commenting on the ex's behavior. This is not a good way to live.
A way you might think about starting to improve your situation is to take a little more charge of how much time and energy you spend trying to figure this situation out--whether or not your SD is emotionally disturbed, how the ex lives or what she does and doesn't do. I'm interested in your survival here, survival and pleasant family experience. You cannot solve your SD's difficulties, nor will you be successful long-term in instructing your husband. You'll end up frustrated and angry.
What you can do, is let go of the problem part of your SD...especially since you can't fix it...and touch in with her on other issues, if you want to. Stepparenting is a "self-designed" job. Take on as much or as little as you like. And, definitely, try to stay out of the pitfall of being the one in the family "most concerned" about stepchild behavior. Talk about how to go nuts.
Sometimes I've found that when my focus is on how everyone else is out of control (and they may well be), I need to re-focus on what I want to accomplish in my life. What do I want to learn more about? What do I want to read? What do I want to do on the weekend.
Plan something fun for the couple hours after the kids return to their mother's...something special. (one stepmom I know gets a massage). Then, in those last hours when you're about to pop...you can pull up the image of later--when you are not going to be endlessly rehashing the time with the kids--and smile. It's okay to be glad for the peace.
You might think of some other ways you can keep this situation (and yes, those to come) without totally losing touch with your own life separate from being a stepparent.
Good luck. Let me hear.
mysteryshrink.com
toorichandtoothin.com
