BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting 28 year old stepson - like a puppet on a string

... and I think that you are being a little hard on a person who was offering some advice. I can't see where anything was said that was insulting. Maybe you are taking it wrong or you just don't want to believe that you might be jealous. I was jealous, too, but that was okay. We are just women who are trying to do our best with our children and stepchildren.

Keep smiling, good luck and God bless you.

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Trish

I haven't insulted you, on the contrary I've twice praised your husband for being a great dad. Obviously this wasn't the response you were hoping for.

He is lost. He has had a habit for 10 years. He was allowed to engage in this habit in the home. I did not approve. His dad is too nice and allowed him to engage in this habit. He was at our house on the weekend and has decided to quit his job and return to school for the 3rd time. He does not have a clue what he wants to take he just can't stand his job. I do not think he will make it. He plays too many video games and his habit slows him down. I think he has issues and the self medicating and all the help and assistance he gets kind of hides these issues.

Talk about destruction!!

Your husband is without a doubt an enabler!! He isn't helping his son, he is making it too easy for him not to grow up and actually hurting him in the long run. I am sure he means well in his actions but it's the long term than concerns me. I am sure he is a good man- but sometimes good intentions can be destructive.

Having "pool night" well that is a good thing for them to get together, spend that needed quality time, bond and have fun BUT

When Dad needs to find you a girlfriend, drop everything to help you with a resume, do the taxes - Well then there is a SERIOUS issue with your husband letting go and making him grow up!!

So when the time comes and your husband passes on, does he plan on having a live in to continue the coddling in his stead? He is old enough now to be on his own and to be independent! he knows dad will always be there so why bother to make the effort when he has a safety net?

It sounds to me like your husband loves his son and is being supportive of him. Is he really babying him by going to his band gigs to support him and cheer him on?

Is he coddling him when he makes sure that his taxes are done right or that his resume was right so he could get or keep his job?

He spends time with him to play pool for a couple of hours a week.

Sounds to me like he loves his son and wants to see him succeed. Is that really so bad?

You only touched on a few things that were addressed- going to his gigs, helping secure employment is one thing.

I also agreed that it is great he spends time shooting pool together- they need to have that man time/bonding time. There should never be conflict over that. They need to have their time together and burn off steam as well as have fun!



HOWEVER: Did your dad help you find a girlfriend? That is not typical or normal behavior.

Sounds to me he does not make any effort to do anything on his own rather complain to get dad to do it for him. He has it all figured out that he can manipulate his dad into doing what he needs.

If you love your children- you teach them to be independent and self motivated, not co dependent and need Daddy to take care of business. he is 28 and is old enough to be on his own.



Sometimes you got to push your babies out of the nest and MAKE THEM FLY- I know it's a hard thing to do when it is your child, but sometimes you got to let go for the greater good.

I agree with the point about finding him a girlfriend but disagree with the other points. We also don't know if the son has some sort of mental illness either as it wasn't stated so I will go on the guise that he doesn't and I don't think there is anything wrong with a father showing love for his son by helping with taxes, spending time with him, supporting him in his endeavors, etc...

If your sons or daughters needed a ride to work or needed help with taxes or whatever, would you not help them?

Vance-

You are misreading my post.

I said that helping with taxes is cool, I also said him going out to shoot billiards was BONDING TIME AND A GOOD THING.

Nothing was told of mental illness so don't over analyze it.

QUOTE> He is lost. He has had a habit for 10 years. He was allowed to engage in this habit in the home. I did not approve.
His dad is too nice and allowed him to engage in this habit.

He was at our house on the weekend and has decided to quit his job and return to school for the 3rd time. He does not have a clue what he wants to take he just can't stand his job. I do not think he will make it. He plays too many video games and his habit slows him down.

I think he has issues and the self medicating and all the help and assistance he gets kind of hides these issues.



Besides, we are only going by the information provided as well. I myself feel the line has to be drawn at finding a GF. That is just too much. Helping with other tasks is fine. If he is going to his band's gigs, that is fine too for support as long as he isn't following around like a groupie. If that's the case then he needs to pull back just a bit.

*Providing loving support as you say is one thing and I agree BUT the son needs to grow up and try to spread his wings as well rather than waiting for Dad to save him at life's every turn~

I wasn't over-analyzing. Just asking a simple question.

My husband is not a young man. He will be retiring in a year. My stepson's income tax is not hard to do. He just nags his dad to do it first. This year the toner ran out so my husband took off work to run around and get the toner to print out the income tax forms and hand delivered it to his son. I mean if you are 28 and have no good reason for not doing your income tax come on. Also in regard to the gigs (that never really took off). For some strange reason my stepson told him not to come anymore. I guess what I'm looking for is a little reciprication. You know dad spends 5 hours fixing his son's car in the dark and there is no reciprication. Now my SS wants to go back to school for 4 years. This is his 3rd kick at the education can. He has no clue what he wants to take - he just doesn't like his job.This will cost a lot of money which we don't have.