BellaOnline Forums Relationships Bereavement Where should a remarried widower be buried?

Debbie, that is a beautiful story. Your Father and family are truly blessed. I'm the 2nd wife, but we are both being cremated. However, my parents are divorced, and my Father remarried a widow. Being the oldest, like you, it's an issue I may face. Thanks so much for the idea of the smaller stone with the spouse's name. It's a very appropriate compromise, which could hopefully accomodate everyone.

All the suggestions are great and as many have said it is your present wife's feelings that are most important now. Reassure her that your love for her is as strong as ever. Listen to her feelings, they are valid no matter what she thought the arrangements would be when you first married. Since she would prefer to be cremated, would she have any opposition to having her ashes interred next to you and your first wife, with you being in the center? There are also beautiful granite benches that are made specifically to hold cremains and can be inscribed.It could be placed at the head or foot of your existing plot with your first wife, or nearby. Whatever you decide I pray that all is forgiven and your family once again loving and peaceful.

You need to plan everything with your second wife. Your promises if at all any to your first wife shouldnot supersede the desires of your second wife. Your expressions about your first wife should be balanced and shouldnot put in bad light your love for present wife.

This is a hard one in deed and I am sorry to hear of your struggle. I know it is hard and you got to make it right for everyone involved, but sometimes you can't please everybody and you have to do what you feel is right in your heart. If you already told her that you intend on joining your 1st wife, then you need to sit down and just discuss it. You also have to keep in mind that she may be feeling like she is 2nd best. It would be a good thing if you make her realize just how special and important she is in your life. Insecurity does not surprise me. I understand her view as well. Whatever you do, best of luck to you.

Old topic; new thought. The purpose of a headstone is a permanent memorial. The second wife may feel that the "real" marriage, the one that meant the most, is the one being set in stone, memorialized for all to see, for all time....the implication, clearly, is that this was the marriage/family that really mattered. Personally, as the second wife with the double headstone already in place for my husband and his "real" marriage, I would then choose obscurity; that my ashes be quietly used on a landscaping project somewhere. My children can plant a tree on the site if they like. If he goes first, likewise, that I be permitted by his "real" family to abstain from being involved with their funeral process.

I know this topic is old, but I do have something to add. Hopefully my thoughts will help Widower 52 and anyone else faced with the same situation.

This is not an uncommon issue, yet it is one that many people seem to have a real problem with, for it is very emotional. I feel it is a topic that needs to be discussed on an ongoing basis. Everyone will have slightly different opinions, some based on emotions, and some based on spirituality.

When we are on Earth, our loves, concerns, fears, desires all come from the physical/emotional part of us. It is hard to imagine the way things will be in the afterlife. If one does not believe in the spirit and an afterlife then who is buried where does not really matter because there would be no awareness of the issue after death.

I still believe that one should give all their attention to their current spouse/marriage and make that relationship the best they can. Assurance that the current spouse is the most important person in ones life is necessary for a good marriage.

Being a spiritual person, I believe that the first wife is in a peaceful place and has a spiritual bond to her husband, the man she had children with, the only man she was married to. This spiritual bond can never be broken by anything on Earth. The promise made to her should be honored, not for her sake because she is not in the grave -- she is in spirit. The promise to her should be honored for her children's sake. That was a family unit that at one time never thought they would ever be parted. To not honor that memory and promise would be telling the children of that marriage that the promise made to their mother has been broken.

It is still very strong on my mind that if Widower 52 dies before his current wife does and for the sake of peace while alive promised to be buried by her, then what happens if the current wife remarries? Would she face the same issue with her new husband? Would Widower 52 be left at a grave that is neither by her or his first wife? How would the children and any grandchildren of the first marriage of Widower 52 and his first wife feel? They would not be able to visit both graves together to honor their parents.

Obviously, the decision comes down to what Widower 52 decides. It is his decision alone. There are a lot of factors to consider.

I believe that the current wife does feel like "second best", but if she truly loves Widower 52, she will honor his decision and respect his promise to his first wife. Also, very obviously, it is not a wise thing to take the current wife to the same places for vacations/trips where he and his first wife spent time and made memories. The current wife wants and needs to make her own memories with Widower 52 and not be overshadowed by memories of another.

When we have walked on from Mother Earth, our spirits will reunite with all the loves of our life and bond to the one who is our twin soul or the soul mate we have always loved the most. In spirit, we do not have the base human emotions such as jealousy. It is a higher level.

It is the ones left behind who will need to get through their bereavement in peace. With that being said, I think Widower 52, or anyone in this same situation, needs to sit down with the children he and his first wife had and discuss it then come to a decision.