BellaOnline Forums Family Adoption Post Adoption Depression Support

Connie, I think you bring up an excellent point. There's a new normal, whether planned or not. I think the key is reaching to vent, or simply to talk with others while going through major changes can be very helpful.

Also, being able to know when you need to reach out to a professional (sometimes a trusted friend, family member, or doctor can help with this) can be very helpful as well.

I think it's important for anyone to remember that there is nothing wrong in any way, shape, or form in asking for some help adjusting to your new life.

Thank you all so much for your posts!! We adopted our son 2 years ago. Our process was so intense! We did foster to adopt and adopted our son at age 4. The wait to have him in our home after meeting him and doing regular visits was months then when he finally came it took much longer to finalize. I kept telling myself that as soon as it was finalized things would start being "normal" HAHA! I am slowly learning that "normal" to me is being able to accept your reality and make the best of it and learn to enjoy the journey not place your happiness on the thoughts of the destination. We have been so careful to make sure our son had an excellent therapist to talk to and that he had familiar people in his past to make a smooth transition. Only recently we relocated to a different state for my husbands company. I was so worried that my son would react to it and it would trigger negative behavior. Well...he is doing fine, great actually! He thinks its an excellent adventure and loves making new friends in the neighborhood. To him he has an opportunity to be just another kid, not the boy who was "adopted." I on the other hand am a mess. I have horrible insomnia, am constantly questioning my parenting and feel like I am a failure for not being able to provide my son with a sibling that he so wants. Reading this and talking to my husband and close friends and family I realized that this is probably pretty normal. And it is time I pamper my mental capabilities with a therapist. I am learning its ok to need to talk to someone and instead of saying well geez its not like I was ever in foster care or suffered hugely, I am saying you know what I went through an adoption then we had a 2 year old foster son that we wanted to adopt live with us for a year and that placement fell through, and then we moved months later. I am surprised I am not more crazy! I am only a human suffering along with the human condition, yay for educated kind-hearted people willing to give support and guidance. Lets celebrate the adult that is willing to say hey I need some advice! Thanks for this post so I can add my rambling.

Sounds like your son is doing great! After we moved here my son seemed to blossom. Sometimes a change is a great thing.

Have you thought about trying a sleep aid? I know if I don't get good sleep then I am a mess...I have always needed at least 8 hrs or more a night.

I have to commend you ladies for doing what you're doing. I don't have any children and really don't feel the need to BUT we all are different. If you have the desire to adopt and have done it, more power to you and BLESS you for doing it. God knows there are enough unwanted children out there needing a mother. I know you both have husbands but Mum IS the most important IMO to any little person, Daddy being second, but then of course they switch back and forth. Hahahahahaaaa.

Maybe it's time for a PUPPY. I know connie has one and what a cutie he is too.

Hi DesignMama!

Welcome to the Adoption forum, and to Bella Online!

Thank you so much for your insightful post!

I was so happy to see the responses on this thread. Far too often, Moms and Dads forget that they have gone through a major life change as well, and their healthy (physical and mental) often takes a toll.

It sounds like you are so smart to recognize that it's ok to feel a little overwhelmed!

I loved your quote in your post:

"I am slowly learning that "normal" to me is being able to accept your reality and make the best of it and learn to enjoy the journey not place your happiness on the thoughts of the destination."

Such true words!

I've heard from parents who have adopted, that said after the adoption was finalized, it was a hard transition from adoption paperwork, hearings, etc. straight into parenthood.

One Dad said that when he was going through the adoption process, he allowed himself a certain amount of time daily or weekly to think about the big picture, and then the rest of it was simply living in the moment, and chasing after a one year old he hoped to adopt as well.

I'm sorry about your foster placement falling through. That must have been devastating!

It sounds like all have been through so much, good and bad.

Definitely don't be afraid to reach for help. Also, you might want to check with your primary care doctor. Sometimes, there can be health issues that affect sleep patterns that aren't always obvious. Stress is obviously a huge reason, but it might not be a bad idea to go for a check up just in case.

On a light note, would your son settle for a pet fish or hermit crab? One Mom told me that while it didn't take the place of sibling, it sure did get her daughter's mind off of it (for a while, at least).

I'm so thankful you posted your experience!

That was my goal for starting this thread--to have a supportive dialouge where parents who have adopted or are in the process, can honestly share their experiences and feelings, and know that they are not alone.

Congratulations on your move! Are you unpacked yet?

I'm still finding boxes that haven't quiet got unpacked (and I am too embarrassed to even tell you how many years we've lived here).

So I did meet with a therapist and it was fabulous! It wasn't that he had this instant magic word that made all the stress and worry go away, its just knowing that I am in control of me and I am doing my best and really that is all that matters. I am going to continue to go because I want to become totally at peace with everything, the adoption, the loss of a foster child, the move, etc. But mostly because we do want more children but I want them to have the best possible me. Ladies I totally recommend talking to someone. It is such a burden lifted knowing that its okay to be human and I don't have to fix the world all in one day!

I am glad to hear that you got some help! I bet now you wish you would have done this earlier!

Hi DesignMama!

I know I keep quoting your words, but you are such a great example of how healthy it can be to reach out and talk with someone.

I am so happy that you went to see someone, and can recognize that you don't have to fix the world in one day. That can sure be one hard lesson to learn, can't it?

I think you're so smart to allow yourself to cope with all of the major changes, including the loss of your foster child. I'm thrilled for you that you have a therapist to talk with to help you through all of this.

Congratulations on taking care of you, and having that burden lifted!

Hi DesignMamma!

I just wanted to check in and see how things were going!

You shared such great inspiration and honesty in your posts! I think you summed it great when you said that you don't have fix the world in one day.

How are things going now?

If you need to chat or vent, we're a click away!

If anyone else is reading this, go through this thread and realize that it's perfectly ok to talk with someone if you are feeling overwhelmed.

Also, please feel free to share your thoughts, feelings, etc. about what you are going through. There's no judgment here--only friendly support.