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Joined: Sep 2009
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Over the last 2-3 days, I have had bits and pieces of memories come back to me that are so horrendous that I can hardly believe them. In talking to my counselor last week, as we were disussing behaviors of my father and my grandmother, he described them as being "evil." I have had no question about that for several weeks now already, but this stuff nearly blows me away. Even though I KNOW these things happened, I am having a definite problem believing that anyone else will believe it because it's so wicked and evil. Those two (thank GOD they are both dead) were so squeaky clean to the "public" that I'd be laughed to scorn if anyone (other than their victims) was told about this. Okay. The thing that is the most troubling in this to me is this: Last night, through a series of memories I realized that I became pregnant at age 12 after one of my father's assaults. That's not the worst of it. This was in 1969. SOOOOOO abortion was not "legal" in this couontry yet. IF I would've had any say in this thing, that would have never have been an option. No way. So what did they do? I used to spend the night at grandma's quite often. So one night when I was there, he showed up. They tied my hands to the bed and in some way, did it themselves. They killed my baby themselves! I remember vividly laying at home in bed being very sick after this; severe abdominal cramps and nausea. So far I have no actual memory of passing the baby. But I'm so overwhelmed and sick at heart that I can hardly function. I'd deeply appreciate any comments from anyone....

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Joined: Jun 2009
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Amoeba
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Hi Julie1957, I am so sorry for your pain both emotional and physical from before and now as you begin to work thru this. I have been taking a little something to ease my pain. very low dose prescribe by the dr. i didnt want to. the dr. and councelor have explained that as i work through the past and heal emotionally the physical ill symptoms will subside. it has gotten better in the last few months. getting it out with help has lifted the heavy burden some. i look forward to moving past it all. it is a slow process that i cant turn back nor give up on. i really do understand! hugs hugs hugs and much love to you!!!you are a strong person! you have seen some hell on earth. please try and be so kind to yourself now and have some peace anyway you can. listening to inspirational music helps me alot:) God bless and keep you:):)

Joined: Sep 2009
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Love & HUGE HUGS to freemenow; Thanks so much for the response!! It helps sooo much. I have actually been on meds for depression for more than 15 years; including something for major anxiety (for some reason). The anxiety is a lot better; I guess I am so "new" at feeling this stuff with my abuse issues that that is what's scaring me a little. I have only been consciously aware of this for about 7 weeks. I just get a little overloaded sometimes because I guess God feels I'm ready for this and I'm not quite so sure. It seems like every time I feel that it can't get much worse, it does just exactly that. God has been very good to me; God bless & keep you my friend!!

Joined: Jun 2009
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Amoeba
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Dear Julie1957, Im so glad I helped! helping you,helps me:) I have felt very alone here at home. I live in a small town where everyone knows everyone. My family is seemingly very nice so most people look at me funny when I try to get support. I have isolated as a result. Therapy twice a week has pulled me thru. Im rising above my fears little by little. My parents who abused me live 2 blocks away. Recently I cut all ties and they are not happy w/ me. The little kid in me and the adult was afraid my dad was gonna come over here and kick my a$$ because it made mom cry. She never cared when I cried. I was watching for cars and all jumpy about the phone. Now I know why I was sweating and sick to my stomach when I was with them or was gonna visit. I hated being in a car with them. I may have been screamed at and slapped as an infant and up until I moved out. As an adult I would (still) become paralyzed w/ fear and just do what people wanted. I think God only reveals a little at a time because he knows we couldnt physically withstand all of it at once. God is good!:) Im glad I found this forum by accident one day! or was it?lol I gave up my abusive husbands 5 yrs ago. I gave up abusive friends 3 yrs. ago and now the parents and their fav daughter. I thought I couldnt make it with out them. Now I KNOW I cant LIVE with them. They were sucking the life out of me. I am learning to breath new life! I have some really bad times but the space between is getting a bit longer each week:) Focus on loving people,music,forums,tv. What ever it takes to get thru!!! Happy days ahead!!! HUGS!!!

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Amoeba
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My parents said I was crazy. I was so scared of being crazy it drove me crazy! I am not crazy! they are!! I would never hit my kids. I dont insult or scream in my kids faces. I dont lie to my kids and pit them against each other. I dont drink and get drunk. They are drunk by 6pm. everyday. I read up on how to be a better parent and person. I have searched for answers everywhere I could. I have empathy I have compassion! I even had it for them but NO MORE!!! My parents gossip and drink more beer. They back stab and have divided an entire family. Now tell me WHO'S CRAZY??? they would never seek help because down deep they know what theyve done. They must like it! That has been more cruel to me as an adult than the hitting from when I was younger. They would purposely spin things around and then tell me I didnt understand when I was asking the why what and who. child abuse,alcohol and lieing go hand in hand!! They were so twisted they would smile at me when they were abusive! WEIRDOS!! My mom says,Im full of nonsense! lol. shes a joke! Thanks for listening to me vent here.

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freemenow! Thanks for the reply once again!! It is such an immense relief to "hear" someone say that they care or understand. Sharing experiences just makes it a little less heavy I think. I really love this forum; I have joined other online groups that are okay; but I feel like I have to be too "careful" about what I say on them. I would never intentionally hurt someone, but I feel so much more free to say what I need to here. And when I want to give God the glory, I just DO IT! I am so blessed with you! Each of the people involved in my abusive life is dead. I feel that is an advantage for me in most ways; then again I guess I'm not sure if there are too many advantages in a situation like that. I heard many threats and was on the receiving end of some very violent behavior, as well as 10 years' worth of incest from my father, grandmother & grandfather. It has taken me YEARS to get far enough away from all of that to be able to get through the terror and start letting it come up. Wow. Talk about a shock initially. My Mom is still living; she had nothing to do with it, thank God; and is left with many scars of her own. They treated her terribly also. But I believe that God is showing us some healing together; kind of neat after all of these years. I can sure relate to having the life sucked out of you; GOOD FOR YOU for standing up for your own well-being. The choices you made were very tough ones; I admire you greatly for doing those things. Hang in there, please!! God will show you the way!! I believe firmly that God wants us to help each other; it makes me feel so good when it works out that way! Lots of love! Take care!!

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It touches my heart to see the members of this forum come together and support one another. I want to commend all of you for your courage and strength through the process of healing. It's not an easy process whatsoever, but there are truly brighter and better days ahead.

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Yes! Thanks, Kelli! This forum is so alive and so real for me; I just love it. Thanks so much for the comments. I am going in to talk with my Pastor today; I missed my weekly counseling session because my counselor is on vacation. It normally would have been no problem at all, but this last 3-4 days has been rough. So Pastor has said he would help me work on it, which I appreciate. Just airing some of this garbage helps. And sometimes I still feel like I'm standing here listening to one of my very good friends talking about a life-long horror that she has experienced. I still can hardly believe that it was actually ME. My life would make a terrific horror movie. BUT I am on my way UP now, and things are going to be better than they've ever been. I am convinced that the main reason God is bringing all of this to my attention is so I can forgive these people. No way am I ready to do it yet; I have no idea how long that will take. But they were the ones with the problem; I am actually a very normal person who has been living in survival mode for 52 years. I just remembered something I once saw that George Washington Carver said; it's something like this; "I will allow no man to narrow and degrade my soul by making me hate him." Food for thought..... Have a great day!!

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Amoeba
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Julie1957, your quote rings so true for me. I have always struggled with anger. I was taught not to have a voice. I must never have it. so I turn it inward and get depressed. I have loved unconditionally to the point of losing myself. Or did I just obey! I was a whipping post for them,door mat. I had to get angry in order to step back and free myself. I then felt that I was a mean person and was becoming as rotten as my abusers. I worry for them so much. They say Ive done all of this to them!! I feel toxic shame. I hurt for them. I have guilt and they do not. how weird. I know its not right. I need to fix everyone. I am tired. I hope you can follow this. I felt either way I turned with or with out them my soul was rotting. I am learning to detach. I am healing as a result of not being re injured on a regular basis. I couldnt love me when being told I was no good by the cruel actions of them. Its confusing to put down in print. I can see who I was meant to be when I am not trying to defend myself all the time. I have trouble getting things done around the house bcause my mental energy is burned up with worry. I try to go easy on my self. It is hard when I expect so much too soon. I have a lot of resposibilty. I must keep my priorities straight. God,Myself and kids first.Kids,Myself......lol. Prayer, Food,rest,love,bathing,therapy,bills,homework,chores,:) fun fun fun!!! Today has been hard. your posts are so helpful. God Bless! HUGS!!!

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freemenow; Hey! You make absolutely PERFECT sense. You are doing FINE. Everything you describe; all of the symptoms, go directly back to how you have been treated. Believe me, I have had every one of them; almost all, years before I knew WHY I felt the way I did. I just knew I was never good enough, had to be perfect, I think I even felt guilty about feeling guilty. To be honest, there's no logical reason why I am still here, because it would have been sooooo much easier to die. I don't ever remember thinking about suicide, but I'm surprised I didn't. The one huge "mistake" that my father made in his efforts to built this persona that he wanted the world to see??? He took us to church. We went every Sunday to a solid, Bible-teaching, Bible-believing church. So while he and his mother and step-father were decimating my life, they were actually pointing the way to Someone Who would ultimately save it. Spiritually and physically. Interesting, huh?? Ever read the story of Joseph in the Bible? His brothers sold him into slavery beacuse they hated him. He ended up in Egypt as Pharoah's right-hand guy. And Joseph said that God had used the evil that his brothers had done and "He meant it unto good." God is turning this whole thing around to bring glory to Himself, and to benefit my life, and hopefully others' in some way. Keep your chin up; you'll be fine. Keep hanging onto God, DON'T be hard on yourself; cut yourself some big-time slack. I had the legalism, too. Wow did I ever. Impossible to live that way. Give it lots of time, though. Believe me, this thing is a work in progress.... HUGS & GOD'S LOVE FOREVER!!

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