BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Tried to find a compromise...but unsuccessfully

Hi Lotte, I am new here but it is your posts that made me join the forum, just to say I feel for you and wish you all the best. I cant add to what the others have told you but know I wish you all the best with this hard decision. Jeannie

Lotte, sweetheart, whatever it takes, please just leave.

You can do it, but if you wait for the right time, you could end up spending a lifetime with this guy while the fight slowly ebbs out of you. And you're absolutely right to reject having a child with this man. It's no situation to bring a kid into and your husband has diminished himself as a man for abusing you.

Wishing you love and strength xx

Lotte,
When abuse is involved, whether verbal or physical, I think that's grounds for divorce. This is no way for you to live.

You may love him, but are you happy with him? Does he "add" to your joy? Do "you" feel loved, cared for, respected? I think it's safe to say the answer here is no.

I believe his changing was only temporary in order to keep you. His love for you is a very "selfish love." It's about "his" needs.

If you "did" compromise and have his baby, is he who you would want to be a "father" to your children?

Do you like the idea of him being the "man" of your house?

He's already treating you disrespectfully. Imagine if you have children, and he gangs up on you, always sides with the kids, and the disrespect for you gets worse.

There are good, kind, appreciative men out there, and finding a man like that is worth waiting for. Also, better to be single than with a "distructive" man. I fully think, after preparing yourself, that you should soon file for divorce. Your husband verbally abuses and disrespects you, and it wouldn't surprise me if that abuse one day turned physical. Once you let go, you can again open yourself up to a "real" man. A "real" man is kind, giving, loving and respectful.

Feel power and strength in letting go of him. Words are powerful, and our brain believes what we tell it. Speak in present tense and use no negatives like no or can't. Say, for example, "I am strong. I am calm." Take in some slow, deep breaths, and say these things to yourself. Take care of yourself through this time.

Lotte,

I think you are very brave and insightful in knowing yourself well enough to resist your husband's demands. As a mother of two, I can say without exception that every child really deserves a mother who REALLY, REALLY wants that child.

I do agree with your husband on only one point -- that it is not a good idea to have a child with conditions -- not because of your husband's needs, but because of the child's. What if your child had needs or conditions, or heck, even just a personality type that made it impossible to travel the way you need to or focus on your work.

Sadly, only time will tell if the marriage can survive your decision. I don't think you "deceived" your husband -- people change a lot over 7 years and it was completely valid of you to go into your marriage thinking maybe it would happen, but it just didn't. It's unfortunate that you didn't grow in the same way, but it's not deceptive...it's just life. (Have you read Eat, Pray, Love by the way.. you might appreciate especially the first part of this book?)

I have a family member who married a woman who did want kids with him, but over the early years of their marriage they grew in different ways and when push came to shove they didn't want to do it. They amicably divorced and are still friends casually. He met a wonderful woman who he married last December and among all their other compatibilities, who wanted kids as much as he did, is blissfully due with their first in December. His first wife is traveling and teaching and pursuing advanced degrees and doing exactly what she needs to do. Both are exactly where they should be.

It is a big step to change your life, but looking back, I suspect you'll find yourself on the path you are meant to be on.

Best wishes for whatever you decide...keep us posted.

Nicki :-)

Lotte,

I can only echo what others have said here, and say that your husband is the selfish controlling one, and not you. You deserve better, and you already know what you want to do. At times like these it is best to focus on you and your own needs because obviously nobody else cares about your own happiness (ie, your childhood friends, his friends, etc.) It is very scary to end a long-term relationship and no doubt you're feeling like you can't survive on your own. You can. In fact, despite the loss, you will feel incredibly relieved that you can finally live your own life without having to fight for every major decision you make. Take it from someone who's been there! I wish you all the best in taking back your life, it is definitely worth the pain and suffering of separation.

I'm so sorry to hear that our suspicions about your husband being verbally abusive were right. And boy, I believe it when you say that compared to some things your husband has said to you in the past, that this is nothing. (Been there, done that.) You deserve so much better and I hope that you find the strength to be able to go. Verbally abusive men (and women) rarely if ever change, and verbal / emotional abuse only worsens over time and eats away at you. Verbal abuse can also very quickly turn physical, but in the many books I've read on the subject, abused partners say that VA leaves the most scars and causes the most damage. Just imagine if you were to bring a child into this mix! Verbal abuse most often escalates after a marriage, or--- the birth of a child when the abusive partner feels they have more control. And puh-lease, the excuse your husband has given you for the abuse- "not giving him a child and rejecting him as a man," is nothing short of manuipulative BS. Do not, for one second, buy any of his excuses for abuse because there simply are none. Abusers will always use excuses and it never matters how well you explain, what you said, what you did or didn't do, or how hard you try. The problem of verbal abuse- is the issue All. The. Time. No matter what other disputes or other issues are going on in the relationship, minor or serious- verbal abuse underlies everything. It wouldn't matter if you were both squarely on the same page in regards to the kid issue here- verbal abuse is a huge reason enough to leave. My ex husband was CF, but he was verbally and emotionally abusive. I would strongly recommend counseling (for yourself alone, not marriage counseling) with a therapist who is well versed in this area. When I went through this, it was a god send. There is an online website I think may be helpful. I have no idea how to post the link, but if you google "Dr. Irene Verbal Abuse", you will find it. Edited to add: (((Hugs))))