BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids How to maintain friendships with friends with kids

I'm experiencing the same thing on Facebook. My friends had quit calling me or returning calls after I'd left message and message, and finally I did get to talk to one of them, and she said, "Oh, everyone's on Facebook. You should join." So I joined, and I'm now "friends" with them, but they NEVER reply to anything I post. I always reply to them, but they never seem to read anything I put out there. So I'm beginning to wonder why I even joined Facebook now. I feel like I'm always talking to myself. I get to read about all the birthday parties they all attend with each other and all the things they do together that I'm not invited to because I don't have kids to bring. I'm beginning to wish I'd never joined.

Same here. Yet I still get invited to all the pointless birthday parties just so I can bring gifts. I now just tell people I'll try to make it, then never show up.

Like my cousin in law who I invited to out with me this weekend. She never got back to me on it yet texts me about her daughter's birthday party this weekend. That peeved me somewhat.

Ugh, another reason why I can't seem to do anything with the parents is because of money. They complain to me that paying an $8 entrance fee for one adult and one child is too much. I try to find the cheapest most fun activities for the adults and the kids and all they do is whine on how they can't afford $8. I know they can, they just want a stupid excuse not to go. Then I'll make it simple, I just won't invite you and your kids anywhere again. That way, you both can sit at home with nothing to do. And don't start complaining your kid is acting up because he's/she's bored and you won't bother doing anything with him/her...

Sorry, just had to rant a bit there :S

As a mom, here would be my advice... not sure if it's what you are looking for, but this is my experience.

If you truly treasure the friend, just be patient. Try staying connected on facebook (the sanity saver of busy moms, allowing us to stay connected to people even if only having dribs and drabs of time.

Offer what empathy you can, look for topics of interest to both of you that don't involve the kids. You might need to provide some input from the outside world for your friend, but they will relish the idea of an adult conversation about not motherhood if they can pull it off! Try to be understanding of interruptions for the time being.

But after a few years, if you can maintain the acquaintance and try to keep the friendship pressure free from both ends, you friend will be REALLY loving you when they are looking for someone to have a ladies night out with, or go to a movie, and actually NOT talk about kids. My kids are now nearly 7 and 3, and I love going out for a beer with the girls, or catching a movie, while my husband stays home and babysits. They might be resistant, but if you can get them to do it once, they'll love it! Just let them know that you understand their lives have changed, but when they are ready for a night/afternoon out, you're their gal! You may end up finding that you're the most popular friend of all... just be patient.

Nicki :-)

Hi Faeryqueen, I have only one friend now without any kids (she doesn't know yet if she wants them or not), but my other friends do have children. I have been very clear from the beginning when they told me they were pregnant that i was very happy for THEM their dream was gonna come true, and that it wasn't MY dream, so when the kids were born i went over and was a good friend, but i also told them that if i wasn't feeling like talking about their kids i would tell them. Because they are good friends the respected me in that. If i want to have some girlfriend-time (go somewhere for dinner of have a glass of wine) i just tell them: no kids, just grown-up time. It doesn't happen as much as we used to, but it works. I als decided that with two of them i love to go out for a day of a weekend.But because they have kids and have less money right it isn't easy to plan ahead. So I have come up with this "once-a-year-weekend/day". I take them to a city they have never been before and enjoy eachothers company, they listen to me and i listen to them, we have fun and once we are back home the friendship has gotten a positive boost! The fun of planning the next trip alwaysstarts like 6 months before we go, so lots of things to talk about that doesn't involve kids. For me it also works very well to talk about things we still have incommon. But i know for a fact communication is key in situations like this. Tell you best friend about your fears of the friendship changing. if she is as good a friend as she believes she is she'll listen and try to protect your feelings. Remember: you are not alone.

Hi Lotte, I live near the City of Leiden. It must be difficult having two friends that are CF but do not want to be. At the moment my health is poorly again so my worries about being the only CF in my group of friends has gone into the background a bit. As it is I can hardly see friends, with or without kids.

It is impossible for a CF person to stay friends with their mommy friends. There, I said it. Here's why:

1. Most people change their physical environment (ie move to the 'burbs) immediately after having a baby. So now it takes a major effort to get to their house at all..and when you do go you have to be careful where you step (toys everywhere) or sit (leftover food, Jell-O, etc. everywhere)
2. Mommy-brain. By which I mean the extreme fatigue that is created by constant caring for a new baby, and this extends all the way up to about age 3. People who are this tired have no energy to do anything.
3. Kids are money pits. All the fun you used to have shopping and going out to dinner can no longer happen because kids' clothes, shoes, toys etc. have to be bought. And most people aren't satisfied with run-of-the-mill...it has to be the latest and greatest.
4. Kids are time-suckers. They take ages to eat, leave the house, take a bath, and virtually every other activity until they are quite a bit older. This means people with kids just have less time for socializing than CF people. They will somehow make time for their mommy friends however.
5. Priorities change. Fun loses out to responsibility, and let's face it...us CF people have a lot fewer responsibilities so it's easy for us to put ourselves first.
6. Communications break down: the interrupted (or absent) phone calls, the ignoring you because you don't have kids, the constant reminders that you're not "part of the club," the replacement of a sexy Facebook photo with a picture of their baby (indication that they no longer exist as a person?). While you're posting vacation pics from Cuba they're posting thirty identical shots of baby in a new hat.
7. In order to survive with small children, parents usually have to make sacrifices. They get used to this and pretty soon are in denial about how much time and energy is required to raise children. It's a survival strategy...like people who work crazy hours and convince themselves it's normal.
8. People with kids do not realize their friendship with you is suffering. And if you point it out, you will be the bad guy, the child hater, the irresponsible one. They don't need friends as much as we do (having less time and energy to support friendships), but they meet all the ones they want through their children.

No relationship can survive this kind of assault.

Most people that have kids these days turn their entire lives upside down, as opposed to when we were little when my parents and their friends really didn't do anything differently after they had us. I've had so many conversations with my parents about this, and they think modern child-centeredness is insane.