BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids can't decide about having kids

Sands, I certainly feel EXACTLY the same way that you do and often feel that there may be something wrong with me for never having the desire to have a child. While I am and have always been a loving and emotional person, I love my freedom and life of childless stress and no financial strain. I also hope that my posting doesn't seem to harsh. I am now 40 and still feel the same as I have always felt. I am always observing my friends with children and am in constant wonder of why they chose to have children. They seem stressed, have no time for themselves, they are always wanting and complaining about how they can't get any free time, they seem to always be frustrated with their significant other about not helping out enough, which causes strains on their marriages. I seem to like to ask the question to anyone I meet who starts talking to me about their children, "Would you do it again?". It is generally the same response which is they love them and wouldn't trade them for anything but if they knew what they knew now, they wouldn't have done it. And sometimes even a stronger sounding (in so many words), "Do yourself a favor and don't have any!". I have never had the desire to be around the house all day long with kids as my mind just can't remain interested in that for any length of time. I must have adult communication or read a book or just have my own time. I don't really think I am selfish so much as I just know myself very well and don't feel like something is missing in my life. I have an older friend, age 70, with 3 children, all in their forties now, and constantly observe the heartache she still goes through with all of them. They all turned out completely different but the stress of the constant worry about them she feels drives me crazy. I also observe my wonderful parents, who had three kids, and we all turned out differently. We are in our 30's and 40's but what heartache and stress, both financially and emotionally, that they have gone through with my brothers. My younger brother decided with his wife, that they could afford to have 4 children (they are constantly broke)and dump them all off on my parents constantly. They are stressed out, and they are constantly looking for a chance to go out on their own or have the kids stay elsewhere or have a sitter. I'm certain this is not the case with all families and parents, however I don't have the patience to have to take care of a child 24 hours a day, 365 days per year... and worry about them for the rest of my life. I like to spend time with my nieces and nephews but am always so glad to drop them off at their homes and feel like I have lost a couple of days of my life when I do have them. I can't think of anything else at all except for what they are doing to be entertained, whether or not they are hungry, what they are getting into etc.. And of course everyone says "they're different when they're your own". Yeah, because I have to keep them. I also get frustrated when my girlfriends, one of which just became pregnant again, says to me "you had better get on the bandwagon". She doesn't work, except to help her husband with his Dental office from home, yet she has to have a babysitter every single day just to keep her sanity. And she's having another right away because her husband wants kids close together. I rarely see her anymore and when I do see or speak to her on the phone, it always involves a discussion about the baby. While I appreciate her position and want to listen to her, I must tell you it is very hard for me to hold intent interest in a conversation with her as I do not have the same interest. It is very sad as we had so much in common, but it seems she has lost quite a bit of herself and only lives for the baby. She is a good mother, as expected, but it doesn't come without stress to her and her relationship. She even has a stressful relationship with her in-laws as they all differ on how to raise the child. I do not feel that I should have a child just to "fit in" with my friends who are having children or to make everyone think I am not selfish. I truly believe that people respect your position more than you think. Perhaps we should look at this from another perspective that some friends may want you to have children so they don't feel like they are making a mistake and have to go through it on their own, without friends to discuss their parenting problems with. Just imagine if you did decide to have a child, would you want to do it on your own? Misery loves company. Yet for all of this, we continue to question our decision not ot have children. Mere peer pressure I'm sure.

Cookie2009, what a great post. I truly understood every word of what you said because I have felt just like you, and I am sure that many more women out there feel this way too but it's one of those things that isn't discussed because of the fear of the response from family, other mothers, etc. My sister-in-law (my only brother's wife) is my age (34) and was hell bent on having 3 or 4 kids. She never has worked, my brother works very hard to provide a good home. Well their daughter is now 2 1/2, and my sister-in-law has never once kept her own daughter for an entire week, and NO weekends. She has to take her by her mom's house at LEAST 2-3 days per week, because she needs 'a break.' And she is constantly talking about having more. Sorry, but if you can't make it one week with your kid without having an emotional meltdown, on top of that being lucky enough to not have to work a regular job or worry about money, then something tells me the 'joys' of motherhood must be vastly overrated. Don't get me wrong. I do love my niece, but I truly have never felt the need to have one of my own. Of course, every time family is around and I happen to be playing with her, out comes the whole "So, when are YOU going to have one of those?" It's really annoying because I want to say out loud, "Why? Nobody with kids has ever once made it look easy, fun or really worthwhile to me." Not that life has to always be fun or easy. But really, the thought of being constantly stressed out, constantly worrying and becoming so annoying to other people because all I would have to talk about would be my baby... I just can't stomach the thought of it!