BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids how do I deal with all the ridicule?

Whaaat??? Are you serious? That is just... evil. That's going waaay too far.

I can sympathize a bit with you on the in law situation. I have been mistreated by my brother in law's gf for 2 and a half years only because she was jealous we married before she did. 8 years later, she still doesn't have an engagement and my brother in law refuses to move in with her. Because of this, she was pretty nasty to me in the beginning. She tried ruining my engagement party and didn't bother to keep secret that she was unhappy about it. My in laws pretty much took her side in the whole thing. You can imagine how much that hurt me.

Some of my in laws have also said pretty rude and sarcastic comments towards me from time to time and I can tell by the look of their faces they feel that I have brainwashed hubby on not having children. They also can be quite pushy about things they don't agree with.

I used to love being with them in the beginning. I like you, felt I had a nice new addition to my family. Don't get me wrong, I adore and love them still, they just [censored] me off from time to time. So I have now created a wedge between us. I no longer plan outings with them or bother taking part in certain family functions. I'm slowly keeping my distance.

I can only imagine how horrible it would be if I had kids. I just know they wouldn't be able to keep their noses out of how I raise my children. I also know they'd try to teach my kids what I believe is a twisted form of Christianity.

Sorry, I kinda babbled on there. Just have a lot on my chest.

I'm glad we were able to make you feel better -hug-

I would also like to know of some witty comebacks I can throw when I'm being ridiculed or judged. Please post them.

Any woman that makes a choice not to have children is making a thoughtful intelligent choice - regardless of her reasons.

I personnaly applaud you and the others (including me) that make such a choice - the planet is already too crowded and since we humans are the ones with the bigger brains it only makes sense that we should choose not to contribute to the world's over-population.

If having a child is not right for you then be proud of yourself for making a choice that is thoughtful, considerate and worldly and let no one make you feel like anything less than the smart woman that you are.

You know, I am always amazed at how people feel that they have a right to pass judgment on how others live their lives. I admire those who have taken the time to make an actual decision about whether they want to have children or not. There are so many children out there that are unwanted as a result of carelessness.

I have one child and only had him after thinking long and hard about it. It was the right decision for me and my husband. Surprisingly, we take a lot of grief for having an only child, but we decided early on that we wanted to be able to provide him with a private school education, something we wouldn't be able to afford if we had more. But, this isn't a valid reason for a lot of people; we get the "things always work out" or "your son is going to be lonely without a sibling". He seems just fine to me.

Of course, this is mild compared to what you and others have gone through after sharing your decision to live child-free, but illustrates the fact that no decision is exempt from being judged by others. What comforts me, at times like this, is the understanding that people seem to need to justify their own decisions by putting down those of others. That it is only people who are unhappy with their own circumstances that seem to badger me about mine. My mom used to always say "misery loves company". Are your sisters-in-law truly happy with their family circumstances or are they perhaps envious that you get to sleep in on Saturdays?

You don't have to explain to anyone why you made the decision to not have children, especially to strangers or casual acquaintances. And, that hygienist was way out of line getting on your case like that. She needs some sensitivity training.

As far as come-backs, it is nice to have something ready to say in response, but I find it easier to just not engage people in debate. If someone is really pushing me on the only kid angle, I just say something along the lines of "you live your life and I'll live mine" and stop the conversation entirely or change the subject. That seems to be more effective and less crazy making for me. So, figure out a couple of statements and practice them with a friend so that you are ready to respond when you need to without anger or frustration. Remember that the only people that have a right to be involved in this decision are you and your husband.

Take care and good luck!

girl, I feel like I have a twin sister! your childhood sounds identical to mine! i was always the skeptical kid who thought things through to the nth degree :-)

Here's one to try:

"Have you ever had treatment for venereal disease?"

And when the recipient of the question looks at you with an outraged expression, jaw rapidly plummeting towards the floor, just add:

"You asked a very personal question about my sex life, so I thought you wouldn't mind me doing the same to you."

I believe when some parents hear someone say, "I don't want children", they take it as a personal insult. They get defensive--perhaps uncomfortable with their own decisions? If you decide to remain CF, whom does it hurt? No one, and yet you're made to feel like a felon--or godless/selfish/unatural. And those who can't have children aren't in a much better position: I recently lost my battle with IF and my husband and I have decided not to adopt. Mere aquaintances feel free to lecture me about medical procedures to try or how my step children aren't really "mine". I hate the myth that only parents can have fulfilling lives!

I love it!

to Rerah/Tammy : interesting thought. I never thought that by me stating "we have decided not to have kids" that the parent asking might feel uncomfortable with their own choices and then feel the need to justify. I do believe lots of people have kids without really thinking it through. there could be a hefty percentage out there who do secretly regret having children. perhaps they could be jealous. to Jellyroll - saying he should rethink the marriage was very painful. there is no real mending after saying that. I felt discriminated against. it was like I was an athiest trying to corrupt a christian family. babies are simply everything to them. I realized then that no matter what I did I would their be their black sheep. and like you I know if I did have a kid they would be butting in constantly cause of course they know better then me. you know when I told my parents I didn't want kids they were just like "okay, thank you for the info." they never batted an eye and never asked why. we dont have deep personal conversations though...they aren't like that. last night we wrote up the letters to my my 5 sister in laws. I am hoping they will get the picture. I am not like them. Im the total opposite. they are all stay at home moms with 1 to 4 kids, even the 1 that is not married doesn't work so all her time is devoted to her kid.

I agree with that. I think when you challenge someone on why they had kids to begin with, it is offensive. Yet they fail to realize how in turn, they're telling us to have kids is exactly the same.

It's funny how those who try to convince me on having children have made a complete mess of their lives. Most have gotten pregnant at a very early age, married men who treat them like dirt, don't have an education or a stable job, and always whine about having to deal with their kids. Then they turn to me and are like, "Why don't you want kids?" e_e
Do I really have to explain why after observing their sad hectic lives?

I can imagine how cruddy that has made your husband feel Marie. But you're fortunate to have parents who don't press the issue. My mother tends to bring it up at times and she's even said she's always known that I have never wanted children. I've explained it to her a thousand times so why does she keep bringing it up? I believe she has a fear of never having grandchildren. But tough, she should've had more kids to better her chances lol.

It's good that you both have written out your feelings to your in laws. I hope they grow up and try to be sympathetic and understanding of your point of view and keep out of your business.

so the letters went out and my sisters in law have read them. Sister in law #5 actually emailed me and said she was sorry she had hurt me. she said she will not bring up the issue again. however sisters in law #1-4 didn't handle it as well. they just cant wrap their minds around it. they just could not possibly understand that there are things in this world more important then babies. at work today, a sales rep was in the building and he was standing against the wall looking awkward so I invited him over to have some donuts that I brought in. (trying to do damage control since some co-workers act a little different around me since coming out on the baby issue. Tim Hortins blueberry bloom can mend anything, right?) well, after a few minutes of small talk the baby pictures came out and I was like "awesome. here we go again." do I break out the old lie or stick to the truth. after the pics, he asked if I had any kids to which I said no. he said that I was young and still had plenty of time. (he thought I was 23 not 28) I said "no, I dont see kids in my future" and he replied "there is nothing wrong with that" my jaw nearly hit the floor. are guys usually more understanding with the no kids issue? or do they just see no need to force me to see otherwise? still trying to think of tactful ways to say it to women when it comes up. though just about everybody knows now... except one of my friends. she wants a baby more then anything but cant get pregnant and treatments haven't helped. I dont know how to tell her. I have been unable to say anything. she still thinks I will be pregnant in a year or two.