BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids how do I deal with all the ridicule?

Marie751 ~ I can tell that you are hurting so badly. You're sister in law owes you a huge appology, and the hygenist does as well. They both have no respect.

We're here for you any time you feel like talking. Take good care of yourself.

Best wishes,
cp

The fact that you have confronted those against you says alot about you. Give yourself time to talk to others about why you don't want to have kids. When you are ready to let the world know it will just come out. Don't pressure yourself to make others understand you. My husband and i were separated for three years, everyone whined and hasseled me for leaving him because he was so good so they said. They just didn't understand why i left him and i knew that even if i told them they still wouldn't understand my views of the matter. Now we are back together and though we still have the same problems, we are actually getting along better. So just take your time when you are ready to talk those who will listen will be there to hear you. OR in this case read you.

I should proababy be writing this in the "pregnancy freaks me out" message but this is why I dont want kids. I have never been able to tell anyone around me cause they just wouldn't understand. but here, I want to say it aloud. (then maybe I will be confirmed as a nut job. lol) side facts : I am the only child to 2 only child parents. I have no aunts,uncles or first cousins. we are just not a breeding type of family. my husband is the oldest of six. he doesn't want kids cause he spent his childhood helping to raise his 5 (now reproducing like rabbits) sisters. okay...on to what happened. my mom's friend had came to visit when I was 16. she was the most fascinating person I have ever met. writer, artist, model, lived in france. she was meryl streep times 10 and I was obsessed with how cool she was. so one day when they had gone out, I went through her stuff in the guest room cause I wanted to know EVERYTHING about her. there was a VHS tape and I put it in the VCR. well, it was an hour long video of a c-section. I watched this lady have her arms tied to the table and they cut her tummy [b]wide[/b] open! I was mortified and I couldn't look away. half way through the video the lady was crying and dry heaving. I decided that I would never have that happen to me. and there is only 1 way to never have a c-section. but whenever I think of having kids, I think of that and my maternal urge drops to zero. I see kids and babies and all I can think of is that video, of that woman who looked like she was being tortured. I see ever being pregnant as a threat to my safety. then I read about court ordered c-sections.(google amber marlowe, angela carder or laura pemberton. see melissa rowland who was brought up on murder charges for not having a c-section in time)and that caused me to feel that some people just view women as vessils...dont even get me started on what happened in delivery rooms in the 50's and 60's. barbaric! my husband had said we could move to IL where there are the best surrogacy laws in place in case I ever felt different and it became important to me.he's awesome like that and would sacrifice for me. I will never feel different though. this is just who I am. no kids for me.no thank you. I love my life without kids. perhaps if I never saw the video I would feel different, but chances are I would not. I wasn't really in to kids before the video. I never played with baby dolls as a kid. never had an appeal for me. and for my husband, he has been enjoying the last 11 years since he hasn't had to help raise his sisters.who he is now on bad terms with since they have been harassing me. P.S sister in law #4 called to try to talk to me about how wonderful pregnacy is. why did I pick up the phone? I knew what she would say... like I am going to take advise from someone who sperm-jacked their BF. thats right! she admitted to pulling the condom out of the trash when he was asleep and...you know! so nasty! they are no longer together. PPS - I still to this day have no idea why she had that video on vacation with her. I never told anyone but my husband and now you kind folks that snooped around and watched it.

I am also in a "coming out of the closet" mode. Lately I have only had a few friends ask me about having kids, but I'm trying to prepare myself emotionally for the future moments at which people will ask that question. My parents and in-laws don't even know yet, which is a great source of frustration for me constantly. I know it's so hard, but try to stay strong and confident. Honesty does make you free. You have the right to tell people how you want to live your own life, and the lack of respect for your opinions is 100% their problem.

Just like you, I cringe every time I see a birth on TV or hear someone describe it. One time when I was ninteen, I visited a co-worker's wife at the hospital after having a baby. One of my female co-workers started in on her birth "war story". While hearing this, I felt a wave a nausea come over me, and I slid down the wall to sit on the floor, in a dizzied, sick mess. I did everything I could not to faint, which was just about to happen if I didn't stop my fall. It beats me why women will do it once and do it again without reservation. Maybe our bodies are sending us an important message to not have children if we find it that repulsive.

No need to fear what people will think of you because of how you feel. You can't help that. You saw something traumatic which created a deeper fear of child birth.

I hope that you and your husband demand an apology from your sister in law. She definitely owes you both an apology. And I understand how family can think you're twisting your husband's mind. I'm sure my in laws believe the same of me. But they don't know anything and it's none of their damn business anyway. And I can assure you that if my in laws were to come off so disrespectful, I, nor my husband, would associate with them anymore. That is simply unacceptable.

You don't owe anyone an explanation as to why you feel the way you do. But if you feel that letting it out would make you feel better, then find the right time to do so.

And to Rosa, when hubby and I were having problems, my family couldn't understand why I was thinking of separating from him either. My aunt once told me, "Well you're not perfect either and what do you expect? You're not going to find better." That really upset me. You would think your own family would have your back but they don't. This is why I now don't bother asking them for advice anymore. They can't even get their own lives straight. I do as I want without any explanation or excuse. If no one likes it, tough.

It's true though. No matter the situation, some people will never understand.

Jellyroll, Creampie, Beth_M, Andso?,Rosa_22 (and anyone else who posted that I didn't mention) - I have really enjoyed talking with you. these last few days, I cant wait till the evening so I can go online and come here. I have so much resepect for you all. do you know that you pulled me out of a deep, dark ditch? coming out, becoming honest...was the hardest thing I have ever done. while I knew my choice to be child free would perplex some, I was not prepared for this one aspect of me to over ride all the good things about me in some peoples eyes. I know I have lost the friendships of some friends, in-laws and co-workers. now I wonder if we ever truly had a friendship at all? tomorrow my husband and I will be writing notes to his sisters that state what they are doing is harassment and bullying and we do not appreciate any of the calls, emails, or therapist business cards, bibles and pregnancy books that have been delivered to our house. and that we will no longer have any contact with anyone who does not drop the matter. this chat room is amazing. I never thought I would be able to talk to anyone without them trying to change my mind. this site has honestly changed my life for the better. I CANT BELIEVE I SPOKE OPENLY AND NO ONE TOLD ME I WAS GREEDY, VAIN, OR SELFISH.

Beth M - I have the same issue when co-workers start up on it and its not like you can escape your desk. I have felt like throwing up numerous times. In my dept there are 12 ladies who have children. of those 12, EIGHT had c-sections. and every time someones know of anyone who had a c-section they each have to retell all their stories. ever walk into the bathroom at work and there is a lady sitting on an office stair using a brest pump? gah! the legal dept probably wonders why I always use their bathroom!

Dear Marie751,
I can totally relate to your posts, I also posted in the "pregnancy freaks me out" thread. Although I must say, natural birth seems a lot more horrible to me than C-section.
I also understand what you mean with this traumatic experience. I had my "epiphany" when I was about 9/10, when some teacher explained to us in the class with vivid detail how it worked. I decided on the spot I would never do that. I have spent years blaming this experience for my disgust to all things pregnancy and birth, even blaming the teacher for making me different, but you know what? the other girls were having kids with no problem, some of them not so long after our reproduction class.
After almost two years therapy and a lot of posts in this forum, I learned that I was horrified, because that teacher was the first one to tell me all about it. If I had learned from a book or a video a couple of years before o later, it would have made no difference. I would have still been horrified. Pregnancy and/or birth are intensely physical experiences and some women feel so disgusted about them as some men feel about sleeping with women. If I had thought having a baby was a such a wonderful thing, I would have found somehow the positive behind it. But it was not the case. I could never understand why women would go voluntarily through sooo much just for a silly baby.

How did you feel about pregnancy and birth before the video? You mention how you also feel uncomfortable about coworkers breastpumping. I hate all about breastfeeding too. Did you feel like that before the video too?

PS: I have also been brought to tears by perfect strangers more than once (I must admit I cry very easily). Last time, by a gynecologist, who told me something like: "You don't want to ever have children? What kind of family background do yo have?...". Like you could only decide against children if your parents did something very wrong bringing you up. Not the case, I come from very normal loving middle class parents and have two brothers.

I cannot believe some people. It is such a serious and personal decision to have children, I do not understand how people can be so blaise about it, like it doesn't change your entire world when you have children. Trust me you are not alone. I went to the truuconfessions site as I wanted to get it out without actually getting into a discussion/arguement about it. Obviously nobody knew it was me but it gave me a outlet.

hi Solalux! even beofre the video nightmare I wasn't thinking about being a mom. at 16 and before, I was thinking about my future career. to this day, I still have that same "goal list" of all my aspirations. Kids are not on it. but honestly, as an only child to only child parents, I was not around babies often. I remember being like 8 and refusing to hold one. I was always refered to as "very mature for my age" and had trouble making friends throughout school. just another only child odd ball, I guess. that teacher should not have been so vivid. teachers should know better then that. dont talk R rated in a PG audience. not cool. you are right to be angry. I dont really remember my sex ed talk at school, my mom filled the details for me. both natural births and c-sections are undesireable to me. I think I would have a mental break down if I were ever pregnant. I think I would just snap from sheer terror. I keep pregnancy tests stock piled in the house cause if my period is even a day late I panic. my husband wanted to get snipped at age 24. we couldn't find a doctor willing to do it. now at 29, we will be trying again soon. I am so embarassed that I cried at the dentist office. Im usually tougher then that. but I was excited to have my in-laws in the begining. it made me feel like I now had a big family and they really liked me until we came out with the news. then I was rejected and demonized. sister in law #1 had sent my husband an email telling him to rethink the marriage to me. even though he felt the same, it was easier to blame it all on me. I felt like I lost most my family. I can just see the expression the gyno wore when she said that. I hate that look! I never got the inquiry as to whether I came from an abusive family. what a lovely route to take in the conversation! I would have been offended to. when I first came out I wanted to run right back in. now I dont feel so alone and am trying to think up the best ways to stand my ground, and boldly say "this is my choice, and I will not let you shame me" It bothers me the most with strangers though, cause they dont even know me yet they have to get their two cents in to correct my life... it would be like if I were to walk up to the lady in front of me at the grocery store with her herd of kids and ridiculed her because her bought her kids food with WIC or food stamps. then said "dont have kids if you cant afford them" that would be uncalled for and rude, and no matter how much I might want to say that, I never would. its not my business and it accomplishes nothing. Solalux, just curious, do you remember what you said back to her? I'm always looking for advise on whats works in dealing with these people. I am not just looking to stand up for myself but to make them think twice before doing it again to the next CF person they encounter. I dont want others to hide as I have. I dont want others to feel rejection and hurt. to be child free is not a crime and it is not immoral.