BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids To Have-OR-Not To Have Kids??

I know exactly what you mean beth_m. My cousin who is 9 months younger than me just had a baby boy about 2 months ago. Hes a marine and stationed in South Carolina so all of my family is just raving about his baby and about how they wish he was closer so they could just spoil him rotten. Now heres what drives me insane. My cousin and I grew up together like brother and sister. He lived wih us off and on his whole life. So of course Im soo happy for him. Its what he wanted. But he got married 3 weeks before i did and divorced 3 weekes before i did. So when everyone found out that his girlfriend was pregnant everyone in my family is looking at me as if I was about to announce that I was expecting as well since him and I were always so close and pertty much did everything the same! Obviously I was NOT expecting and when they came down to visit last month everyone kept asking me when it was my turn. I felt so bad becuase I didnt even want to be around him the whole time he was here. I did end up spending a little time with him. However I just felt so uncomfortable with the whole situaion and my entire family (and I have a big family) all like glaring at me waiting for me to say "hey guess what Im pregnant" when I didnt even have any desire to have any right now if at all. Whats even more messed up, my family doesnt even care that Im not married or anything. They just want the baby! Whoa! For now Ill just avoid any baby topics. My escape is "Im not married!" Also I have an IUD so luckily my family has shut up a little about babies knowing I cant for at least 5 years or until I have it taken out.

You know it's tough even when you're not married. While single I was always asked, "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" "Why aren't you married yet?" "You're getting old, when are you going to find a boyfriend?" e_e

Had a friend who's always single. She chose the wrong guys all the time. The only thing that poor girl heard from people was basically how pathetic she was for being single. At least that's how they made her feel. The rude comments she received from people astounded me sometimes.

So you hear that sort of nonsense when you're unmarried and then get bombarded with stupid baby questions after you're married. When does this stop?

I'm going to confront anyone who asks me the baby question again. I'm letting them know that I would appreciate their not asking me anymore. We've made our decision and we don't have to justify it to anyone.

Edit: Oh and I have a quick question for you Linneybaby, about the IUD. How has it worked for you and have you had any difficulties with it because I'm considering getting it done perhaps by next month. I don't know anyone who has it so I was hoping you'd have some positive feedback for me. Thanks.

Jellyroll,
Having an IUD put in was my best decision ever. I have the Mirena, which is an IUD with hormones in it, as opposed to the copper one w/out. I had 1 period 3 weeks after insertion, and haven't had another one since. That was 2 1/2 yrs ago. Yea me! The insertion process was quite painful, seeing as nothing has every come out of that area before. They have to measure the size of your uterus by opening it up from the outside. However, the cramping lasted a day or two and then I was fine. I just had to respond b/c to your post since I've been so happy with mine. I recommend taking some pain reliever before you go in for the insertion process to help. Good luck with your decision.
SeaShell

I had an IUD insterted 5 years ago, it didn't hurt at all, I could just feel a slight discomfort on insertion but I guess its just something sitting where nothing used to be, cause it has to lodge itself somehere. Its great, I have never had any trouble since. I went with the copper T, Mirena worried me, because I have often reacted to Hormones. I think its the best descision I made too. NO weight gain, no moods... nothing. I'll have it taken out now cause my husband has had his vasectomy. Only cause I think no point in having it there, but not cause I feel anything.

I never had a serious relationship till I met my husband at age (almost)34. And I wasn't even choosing the wrong guys, it just didn't happen. For me the world was kind of black and white when it came to men: charming unreliable ones to just have fun with (how Samantha of me lol), and the goody two shoes sort, who wants to get married and have children, and I would run away from those, lol. So I know also all the sorry looks and the "you will find someone" line, and the questions. It was definitively the worst of being single!
But the questions never really stop. If you have a child, it is not enough, you will be regularly asked when a sibling comes and you will be preached if your answer is never. And I know from experience too. And it is hard not to be rude sometimes, I just try to bear in mind that they don't know they are the 25th person to ask. It is important to block out those voices, it is really important to grow a thick skin so that they don't get you.

About IUD: I have the non-hormonal type, I got it inserted with a local anesthetic so it didn't hurt at all. The first couple of months my period was a bit heavier, but it was over really fast. It is really great, you don't have to remember to take a hormone-charged pill everyday, your body doesn't change. It is really the best. I should have gotten one when I was 20 lol!

Thank you all for the info. I'm still deciding on whether I should bother with it or not. But you all have helped me

I love mine as well. I have the Mirena and again Im only 22 so I was a bit worried also since never having kids, the doctor warned me that it could be a bit more uncomfortable. But just take a couple advil before hand and its no worse than cramping on your cycle. It was about 2 days of cramping and then nothing after that. I had it done at 10 in the morning and went to work by 4 that afternoon. It was such a quick process. Also I had a period for 3 weeks straight before I had the the IUD inserted. I was on the Depo Provera shot for the a few years and that last shot was messing me up. Mood swings, weight gain...OMG. I lost 60lbs when I quit the shot 2 years ago, then when I got back on it last years, I gained 30lbs. back in a matter of months without changing a thing. It was like over night, pants dont fit no more! So when the day I got the IUD put in, my period seemed to stop instantly. I spotted a little but Its been 4 months and I havent had a period since. My moods are so much better, I went ahead and got on a small dose of Celexa to level out the hormone problem from the Depo Shot. And Ive started excersising and watching my eating so I can lose that weight again. Another thing is that when I was doing all the research for the Mirena, there were women saying the insertion was the worst pain ever. Well if you have any pain tolerance at all then like I said before, its no worse than cramping when your on your period. If I had to choose getting an IUD inserted over having children, I would go through the insertion everyday if I had too. Thats how worth it is to me. Another thing that no one has mentioned yet is the length of the string. If its too short and you cant check it, then removal might be a little painful. And if its not long enough, then your partner will feel it and it can be quite painful to them. Almost like a stabbing feeling as my parter said. It only happened once because luckily mine was long enough I was able to loop it and position it further up inside (not real sure how else to put it, sorry) so that the end couldnt be felt. After awile though the string softens up and after that first time right after I had it put in, he hasnt been able to feel it at all. But I strongly suggest to keep it longer than shorter because if its too short and is poking your partner, you wont be able to loop it. Anyways, I do love mine very much and in 5 years, i will probably get it again. It was soooo worth it. Hope this helps and if you have any more questions please feel free to ask.

linneybaby - I'm having the same problem as you in a way, so I can't really answer your question, but I did want to comment on therapy. In my experience, it is hard to find therapy that doesn't project their opinions on you because it is an issue people feel really strongly about. Not that it is necessarily a bad idea, just that if you do go to therapy, it is worth putting some time into finding the right fit. I tried therapy for the kids or not question and regretted it because it was group therapy with a few people who told me how wonderful kids are, missing my points entirely...

Sands, I agree with you 100%. The more I talk to people and mention that I dont want kids, theyre just beside themselves. Its like it doesnt matter if its the right thing for a persons life or not, your just "supposed to have children"! Then End! Regarldless if you happy or not, poor or rich, it doesnt matter. Too many women I feel just follow the generations before them and cant actually make a decision for themselves because its so hard to get that "pattern of life" out of our head that weve grown up with. I struggle with it too. Not near as much but as time is going on Im feel good about my decision because its mine, no one elses and no one elses influence. Its programed into women that we are supposed to procreate but we dont have to anymore, we dont have to carry on our family names anymore, theres pleanty of people in this world now and I think thats where women get mixed up! Just my opinion though!

I'm so glad this places exists! Reading everyone's comments makes me feel like I'm not a freak of nature. I'm new to this site and it's the only place I've found where people can talk about the "taboo" of not wanting childen without feeling guilty or judged. When I think about maybe having children, it's just so as to not be invisible anymore. I'm 36, been happily married for 5 years, am at a really great place in my life, and have been waiting for the desire to strike me, but still hasn't and I'm beginning to think it never will. My 20 year high school reunion is coming up, and I've been talking to a lot of old friends on facebook, and they ALL ask about kids. I say I don't have any "yet", and everyone gives me the same old cliche about how wonderful it is to have kids, and how they change your life, blah blah blah. I feel really left out. My husband and I are the oldest children and the only married people on either side of our families. We both come from traditional Mexican families, and I can't tell you how uncomfortable family get-togethers are. All of his cousins and my cousins have lots of kids (which adds to my desire to NEVER have children), and people just uncomfortably smile and make small talk with me, but generally just tend to avoid me. Almost no one asks me about my job, and when they do, they don't understand what it is (financial advisor), so they distance themselves from me even more. My husband and I don't fall into the sterotypical Mexican-Catholic mold, but we both love our families and hate the isolation. I'm sick of being invisible, and think that maybe having children is the only way we'll be warmly accepted into the clan and have something to talk about with our friends. I'm conflicted. I feel like if I have kids and hate it, that I would just have to deal with it and suck it up until the kid grew up and got interesting. Then I spend a weekend with my 4 and 6 year-old niece and nephew and I think that it would be unacceptable to deal with that nonsense on a daily basis. And I'm SO SICK AND TIRED of people telling me, "Oh, it's different when they're yours!" as if somehow the screaming won't bother me because I birthed the little monsters. I want to be accepted. And I don't want to feel like there's something wrong with me because I don't feel this biological imperative to breed. But how can I be sure that I won't have any regrets, with either decision? Sorry about the ranting. I'm just frustrated. Thanks to any and all who had the patience to read this. -arlyn