BellaOnline Forums Family Child Abuse I'm new here and hoping to get some answers!!!

Thanks so much! I guess I am feeling that this "letter" will somehow free me from all of this...but reading what you have written makes sense. The letter will not end all of the hurt and totally free me from all of this! I do need to give it some time....I guess I just don't want her to think that this time is like every other time before, because its not....but i guess I can show that in other ways than by just writing a letter. I think that I am growing more and more anxious right now because the 4th of July is creeping up on us and I have to tell you....(I am wierd) but me and my family looks forward to this day more than any other holiday! It is my FAVORITE holiday/day of the year EVER!!! But...I know that I will run into her on that day, and I guess I just want her to know where i stand when she see's me. All of the celebrations that we love are back in my small town so she will be everywhere! My other family members (siblings and in laws) are scared to talk to me to much for fear that they will feel the wrath of my mommy!!! YIKES!!!! =) This hurts a little, but I can't stop this for them, just for myself.(and she doesn't treat them the same as she treats me...i think i get a lot of the meaness because i am the only girl in the family.) I know that my mom won't come and talk to me first and I know that I do not feel ready to go up to her and talk first...there is just to much hurt right now. So I just need to muster up the courage to go and have fun with my own little family and enjoy the day as much as possible. (my hubby's family is down there too,(but won't be at the festivities that we will be at...they aren't as obsessed with the 4th as we are=)... and bless thier hearts, I couldn't ask for better inlaws!) I am just afraid that this day, that I look forward to all year will just be ruined because I won't be able to control my emotions and will just cry all day! I REALLY DON'T WANT THAT!!!! (I guess some good 'happy' drugs are in need for the day huh!!! =0 JK.) Just at all these events she will be surrounded by my extended family and I will be just with my little family (which is way better anyway!=)....but I know that she finds great strength in numbers and will do everything in her power to make me feel uncomfortable! Is it okay to still take my kids to the festivities that they have grown up with and try and make it special and fun for them even if grandma is there and doesn't find the courage or niceness to talk to them...or will this damage them?? I have not said one bad thing to my kids about grandma...i don't feel like that is fair to them. I will let them draw their own conclusions of her. I will pull them away if there is ever a "bad situation" that I think will hurt them, but other than that, I won't care if they go up to her and talk to her or whatever? I just hope that she doesn't give them the cold shoulder....(the public will be around, so I am sure that she will be as nice as nice can be to them for show sake!!=) I do have to say however, that my 8 year old has felt the effects of grandma for herself...and right now is kind of afraid of her....this fear has come from a mixture of her seeing how grandma effects me AND from being kind of ignored the last time she saw grandma. So I have a feeling that my 8 yr old will stay away from her. I just don't want my mom to think that I am 'brainwashing' my daughter into being scared of her. That is not a game I play, but a game that my mom would expect because it is a game she would and has played numourous times!!!! I need to get my anxious feelings under control. When I woke up this morning the first thing that popped into my head was my mom and I instantly got cold sweats, a lump in my throat, a stomach ache and a headache!!!!! This is starting to happen everysingle day right now. This sucks becuase I don't feel good anyway with the other stuff that my body is dealing with right now also! ggrrrr!!(BTW...I was diagnosed with a stuttering problem at age 4 because of "anxiety" (I don't stutter anymore.=)...and I was taken to the emergency room for ongoing stomach episodes at age 8 and diagnosed with anxiety disorder...so I KNOW that this does affect my health and has for quite some time.) And now with having this other disease, I know that feeling anxious like this makes my "all over body flares" worse!!!! I wish that we could all just 'take out the bad peices of our brains' and leave the wonderful happy peices there!! Could someone invent a way to do that PLEASE!!!! =) ...I have to say that I feel quite whimpy after reading all of the horrible things that other parents have done to thier children.....sexual, and physical abuse ontop of SO whimpy!!! I know that my mom is mentally not all home, and I do believe in forgiveness, so I feel guilty causing this rift right now!!! I know that I do need to let go of the guilt, and I am a very spiritual person. I am just struggling right now to feel worthy of our Saviours love. I think that I have felt "conditioned" love from my mom for so long that somewhere deep down I feel that the Saviour must think that I am a "bad person" for "causing" this problem right now by not being able to cope and forgive and not being able to just be stronger. I really need to work on my relationship with the Lord and start loving myself again and stop feeling responsible for everything. See....my mom is still controlling me huh??? I will get into what went on with my dad one of these days too.....that is just another story and I need to deal with one thing at a time. I don't really see him at all either, because again, it is my job alone to make the effort to visit him. enough about that. So.....I guess my big question is.....about the 4th of July and KNOWING that I will most definitely run into my mother at numorous festivities.....do i need to write her, not a 'final' letter, but just a letter that says that I will still be coming down that day and if she wants to see her grandkids it will be up to her?? or should i not?? If I could get some help with this decision that would be awesome. We usually go to my moms house throughout the day and eat and whatnot. I will not be doing that this year, but I want her to know that it is not because she has "scared me off" or anything like that? We usually sit by them at the parades and fireworks too....so how does this work. My extended family will be at these things too and I want to associate with them and with my neices and nephews and want my kids to be able to see everyone too. So should I just sit away from them, but have my kids still go and 'gather candy' with thier cousins at the parades and such???? And then that way, my kids, if they feel like it can still go and sit on grandma's lap and stuff?? PLEASE HELP me wit this!!! I have never dealt with ANYTHING LIKE THIS BEFORE!!!!!! I think that knowing I will be seeing her for sure is really really making me physically sick right now....I think that If I had some sort of silly plan in my head It would make me feel better. I will leave on one last thought.......the 'final' letter that I have been talking about writing to my mom is in no way going to be mean. It is not going to bring up all of the past hurtful things, it is going to just tell her that we can't change the past but we can change the future, but it will take both of us....and it will just let her know that I will not play the head games anymore. It is not really to severe all ties with her or anything like that. It will just put the ball in her court so to speak. is that the kind of letter that I should write before the 4th, so there is no question in her mind where i stand when she does see me???? AAAAAAAHHHHH I don't know!!!!!!!! Thank you SO SO SO SO much for taking the time to listen to my problems even if they sound silly!!!!! I appreciate it more than you will ever know!!! This group is definitely Heavan sent!!!!!!! Thanks all!!!!!

Hi Thisisme, I think we are twins! God bless you Dear. I live in a small town too. I didnt want to separate the kids from Grandma. I blamed myself. I thought I was weak. They called me a cry baby. I cried in public and tried to hide it. They didnt cry. For me, its Mom,sister and step dad who stick together against me. Thats not how they see it. Your feelings are all very valid. You love your family. You enjoy tradition. I have made new traditions. Take your kids to a different town away from all the drama. Just for now. Take time to heal. I know its hard to image now. You could look at your husband and say "Hey,Im not having conflict today!!" "This feels good" your kids will be happy when you are happy. they dont care where. there are fire works in every town. but you dont have to be brave all the time. you are caught between 2 worlds here. its like a transitional time for you. you are growing and its painful. DISREGUARD MOM!!! the kids will love being happy with just you and dad this year! its not a game if you refuse to play. work on getting your thoughts straight about whos the abuser. would you envite a rattle snake over for dinner? No. just take care of you and your husband and kids. mom takes care of herself. dont announce it,just do whats best for you. good luck to you! God loves you and would never wish you such suffering! it will get better if you let it:):) hugs to you!!

Thisisme, I need to say also, write the letter if you wish. that is your personal choice. im sorry if i said otherwise. im trying to be supportive but not bossy. i apologize if it seems that way. i have simular turmoil so i am quite passionate on the subject! I have had success with staying away and keeping my mouth shut because they just turn it all around on me anyways. I dont care what they think,say or do anymore. Its not up for discussion anymore with me. Been there and done that. I understand, you may need to do that. I did it too. Im still trying to live with out them and heal my mind and emotions now. I need new people in my life. I like being part of this forum very much:)

thisisme,

After reading your post, I want to touch on a few things. First, you did not cause this rift between you and your mom. Any distance between you is due to the games that she has chosen to play. It is and never has been your fault.

Second, I think you should take your children to the festivities on the 4th of July! Take them and your husband and have a great time! If you don't want to talk to your mom, then don't. If she doesn't talk to you, don't sweat it. Go and have a fun time with your husband and children. Enjoy yourselves! Laugh and have fun! Celebrate your favorite holiday! I think your children should be allowed to make their own decision about whethre or not they talk to your mom. However, if she starts playing the mind games and toying with their emotions, then pull them close to you and don't allow her to do that to them. That is all within your control. You cannot control whether or not she plays the games, but you can control whether or not she does it to your children.

Third, I understand how you feel about your faith and walk with God. I don't believe that God is mad at you for what happened I used to think that way too. I used to think that he could not love me because it was all my fault. But, I've learned that is not the case. It was not our fault. It is not our fault. And God loves us too and I believe he knows what happened and doesn't blame us either. I believe he is there for us and holds us close to his heart because of everything we have had to endure.

Continue to stand strong. Follow your heart and do what you feel is in your best interest and that of your husband and children.

I LOVE YOU ALL!!!! =) You guys are so awesome! Thanks so much for the advice!!! I did ask my children yesterday what they wanted to do for the 4th of July and they looked at me like i was an anlien!! They have done the same thing for the 4th every single year and like I said we look forward to it so much!!! So since I have tried to kind of keep them out of my sad thoughts right now, they don't really know 'how bad things are for my brain at the moment' with grandma. So...they of course said that they wanted to go and see thier cousins and be with them at the parades and fireworks. I did tell them that we might not be able to go to my moms house in between these events this year, but that they would see thier other grandma during this time and that seemed to not even phase them and they seemed excited. So...I am going to try and be strong, try and make what I can 'the same' for my family and the tradition and change what I need to also???? I just need to ponder this letter writing thing for a few more days....its getting to the point that I can't eat very good...I am physically sick almost from the instant that I wake up and I'm even throwing up without warning every once in a while! ICK!!!! Thanks SO SO SO SO MUCH!!!!! I LOVE you guys and I don't even know you! (that should make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside ;) Thanks so much guys!!!! I'm sure that you'll hear from me more and more and more and more and more and more and.....well you get the picture!!! (I don't want this to just be about me...so I do want to say that I am very proud of you guys and the accomplishments that you have made in your lives....hopefully someday I will be able to help others and not just receive all of the help!!!!!=) THANK YOU!!!!!!! =)

I just got an email from a friend and it had some really good quotes and advice in it.....I just thought that I would share........ ***Some great advice!**** Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio "To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more: > 1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good. > 2. When in doubt, just take the next small step. > 3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone... > 4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch. > 5. Pay off your credit cards every month. > 6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree. > 7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone. > 8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it. > 9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck. > 10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile. > 11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present. > 12. It's OK to let your children see you cry. > 13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about. > 14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it. > 15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks. > 16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind. > 17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful. > 18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger. > 19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else. > 20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer. > 21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special. > 22. Over prepare, then go with the flow. > 23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple. > 24. The most important sex organ is the brain. > 25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you. > 26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words "In five years, will this matter?" > 27. Always choose life. > 28. Forgive everyone everything. > 29. What other people think of you is none of your business. > 30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time. > 31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change. > 32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does. > 33. Believe in miracles. > 34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do. > 35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now. > 36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young. > 37. Your children get only one childhood. > 38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved. > 39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere. > 40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back. > 41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need. > 42. The best is yet to come. > 43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up. > 44. Yield. > 45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift." Just thought that I would pass this along! I thought that it was really cute and it kind of gets you thinking a little bit!! Hope everyone is having a wonderful Sunday afternoon!!!

thisisme,
I know this is easier said than done, but please try not to worry about the letter writing, especially if it is making you throw up. Stress can do that to a person. I'm sorry but I can't remember. Do you have a therapist? If so, have you talked to your therapist about the letter? Can they help you through this process?

I'm so glad that you decided to ask your children what they wanted to do on the 4th of July. I'm also so proud of you that you decided to go and not allow your mother's games to deter you from having a fun time with your children and husband.

Continue to stand strong! You have my support!

Kelli, I know that I really do need to stop stressing about the letter and about everything!! (and yes...it is MUCH easier said than done, that is why I haven't mastered that one yet!!=) I do not have a therapist and I have never went to therapy. I KNOW that I need it and I REALLY WANT to go....BUT....here's the kicker.......OUR INSURANCE SUCKS ROCKS!!!!!!=) We pay about 450 dollars per month for it AND we have an 8,000 dollar out of pocket deductible before they pay for anything....which is basically catastrophic insurance!!! And heres the REAL KICKER!!!....We have met our 8,000 dollar out of pocket deductible for 2 years in a row now because of surgery's that I have needed for my health issues (and medicine and such.) (and no, we can't really get 'other' insurance because of my health issues and becuase my hubby has a slow progressing kidney disease...so no one wants to touch us with a 10 foot pole so to speak!!) SO......I really need to find someone that can really help me and I don't want to waste any money on one that hasn't been recommended to me....so I'm just kind of waiting! I just found out a lot more about my disease a few weeks ago (I went and saw really the only specialist in the country for this (Dercums Disease and Lipodema) in San Diego a couple weeks ago) and she said that I need to find a lymph specialist ASAP and start doing lymph massages if I want to start feeling a little better now and prevent massive damage to my body in the future...so we are already gonna be starting to dish out some major moola for that here in the next few weeks!!! FREAK!!!! That is another one of my MAJOR GUILT FACTORS, is being so sick right now! It is enough to feel guilty about being physically ill and now pile all of this emotional crud ontop of that and BOOM I am in WAY OVER MY HEAD in craziness right now! I will get it all sorted out...it will just take some time. But for now...You all are my THERAPY!!!!!! (and believe me, you HAVE helped!! =) Thanks guys!

thisisme,
I'm so very sorry to hear about the struggles you face with your health. I'm troubled to hear about what is happening with your insurance coverage and that you do not qualify for better coverage. I have an auto-immune disorder that leaves me sick quite often, as well, so I can appreciate all the time spent at doctor's and trying to get help in order to get better.

I hope you are able to find someone that you trust to help you through the process of healing from the childhood abuse you endured. Is there a free clinic where you live, where you can see a therapist? I know that where I live there is, but I'm not sure of where you live.

Where do you go to find out about 'free or discounted' help?? Does every state have something like that?? I live in Good ol' Utah BTW.=) I just don't know where to even begin to look! I have so many things going on right now!!!!