BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Sexless Marriages

Hi all,

Thought you might be interested in my latest article about "Sexless Marriages and Childhood Abuse."

It seems that many men and women with a disinterest in or an aversion to sex have some unresolved issues with childhood sex abuse, and it affects their marriages.

http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art602.asp

Ok, let's tell the truth: How many of you do not have regular sex with your spouse? And it doesn't have to be for abuse reasons. Maybe you're just plain ol' overworked and too tired!

Too tired, schedules cross...we adore each other, but just don't want to hop up and down on each other when we are in the same room...that's how hectic our lives are, I'm 50 and he's 43 so we are lucky if we get in once or twice a month. We sure do miss our three or four times a week before our careers kicked in...of course, the children are all gone but that doesn't matter, with all the running we have to do they might as well be home again.

Our adult kids live with us so that is our challenge.

I can understand weddingwoman's situation, too. Fatigue is a major libido-buster for sure. Sleep is a basic human need that comes before sex.

I have not for the last 26 months. My wife just does not like to be touched anymore. She hasn't for a long time. Our total amount of physical intimacy has been no more than three times in the last five plus years. I try to be as caring as I can, but that doesn't change the way she feels. It has become just an accepted fact of life. It is what it is.

You don't have to be in your 40's or older. My best friend has a sexless marriage. She is 33, her husband just don't want anything to do with it. He even went as far as telling her to look for a sex partner. It has made her feel quite unloved. They are the best couple. They love to spend time together, but not in the bedroom. They have been best friends since they were 5. After about a year, she did end up having a sex partner. She is a devout christian, but the no intimacy has pushed her to adultery. When she dreamed of her life, she never dreamed of this. But it is what it is.

It is what it is, but it shouldn't be this way. And it doesn't necessarily have to remain this way.

Her husband has a low sex drive that has a cause. They need to find out what that is. It could be that he has low testosterone hormone levels. He might have sexual problems due to childhood abuse or trauma. He might have latent homosexual tendencies but refuse to address them for religious reasons. He also could have known her as a child so he doesn't have sexual feelings for her...more like brother-sister type feelings.

There is a reason. It is not typical of a healthy male to want a sexless life.

They may seem ok about their arrangemet now but sex is bonding and your friend could develop a stronger bond with her sex partner than her platonic mate.

I myself am experiencing a sexless marriage as of late. Well, not completely sexless but it's been hard for me to be sexual since my husband and I have been having difficulties connecting. We've talked things over, hopefully we can salvage the good that we have. For me, my clinical depression and other health issues have hurt my sexual appetite along with everyday problems. I agree with Lori. These matters can be resolved with some help. There are hundreds of reasons why a partner may not want to have sex. Some reasons are more serious than others. It can be mental, medical, emotional or in some cases all three. And isn't something that should be ignored or given up on. Personally, I can understand why a person would have an affair, I sympathize, really, but I could never excuse the behavior. For me, it's almost like running away from the problem. It definitely isn't going to help the situation any. The problems are still waiting at home. I hope the sexless marriages here can seek help and save their relationships. It's very sad when a once beautiful marriage ends up torn apart just because two people couldn't find it in themselves to try and come together.

Rationally I could justify an affair, but that would only create many more problems for a brief period of pleasure. It is not worth it. Even after years without sex, an affair is not the solution. It can only lead to more complicated and severe problems.

Jelly, nearly all married couples go through dry spells for one reason or another. At least you recognize the possible reasons, and yours are typical. Sexual appetites ebb and flow.

I, too, can understand why people are drawn to affairs but, like Craig58 says, it is not the solution to the real problem and it causes more problems, too.

There are so many other important areas of relating. Why do people place such importance on sex? Because the pure biological process enhances our overall emotional and physical well-being and the intimacy it creates between two people is bonding. The longer we go without sex, we tend to forget that. It isn't just a matter of passing pleasure.

Jelly is right: The sexless should try to find help.

Thanks for your great input!