BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids pregnant friend problems (long rant)

First off, I have to say it's so refreshing and relieving to find a forum full of people who feel as I do. I think I'm the only MNK person in the county and that sucks! :) So here's what I'm having trouble processing. I'm 30, and 'C' has been my best friend for 8 years. We've done everything together, and both of us know (or knew, at any rate) how the other stands on almost every subject, including kids; she would like kids, I adamantly do not. I may adopt someday, but if so, I will adopt an older child, no babies or toddlers, and she KNOWS that. I do have motherly instincts, but I would much rather shower those on my animals. We did start growing apart a bit in the last 2 years or so; she started getting weird piercings, going to LOTS of rock concerts, generally having a second-childhood kind of thing. I stood by her during all this, and while we would go a couple of months without seeing each other, we txt'ed every day. In the last year or so, she has mentioned a couple of times that 'Aunt Flo' was late and she would be happy to be pregnant, I usually just cracked a joke about it (that's just what I do). She knows I'm very accepting about others' life choices and will stand by someone who does something I wouldn't do myself (other than an animal abuser). I never knew she was actively trying to get pregnant, maybe I just didn't make the connection. Anyway, about 3 months ago, she txt'ed me about someone I don't know getting pregnant. I had already been forced to listen to not one but TWO co-workers going on that day about getting knocked up, so I replied with that. She immediately txt'ed me back that I was rude and hurtful and that she could see she didn't have my support. I was a little blown away but figured she'd get over it in a day or two. Now fast-forward 3 months; she hasn't txt'd me, and I haven't txt'd her; the way I look at it, she knew my stance and how I tend to be sarcastic on the drive home from work, she knew what I would say before I said it. She shut the door, it's not my business to open it. I found out today from a mutual friend that she is indeed pregnant now; and from our years of conversations, I'm more than sure she knows that I would stand by her and support her, I just wouldn't be able to hang out when the baby started screaming. I'm guessing she was having a hormonal moment and mistook my msg somehow. Regardless, I made an effort and sent a text today saying I had heard about her happy news and congrats, and that she should let me know if she ever needed to make a late-nite pickle run. No reply has been forthcoming. So I guess all this was just to say that I'm hurt that someone could just drop an 8-year friendship over a zygote. Anyone else had to deal with losing friends over your 'no-kids' choice? Thanks for letting me rant, BTW. I feel better.

Hi Stryker- I read your post with all the compassion in the world!

I wish I had even the smallest piece of advice for you, but I don't! I am your age, and this is the age where all our friends care about nothing but children. I feel like I'm missing some mother gene or something. I can at least say good for you for being honest with your friend on your feelings about children. That was a wise choice. If she wants to get angry over what you did, that's her choice. I hope you don't feel guilty about it, though. Why should you care about someone getting pregnant that you don't even know?

In my situation, I haven't had anyone stop speaking to me because of the no-kids decision, I have just had every single aspect of our friendship change. They all either have kids, are pregnant, or are trying. This stage of my life has been very diffcult for me.

Well, sadly I HAVE had people stop speaking to me because of their child. It was not pretty.

When my husband and I were in our mid thirties we had a couple we knew who we very much enjoyed the company of. They also had no children, but after a two years of great times, the wife became pregnant. Of course we expressed our good wishes. Well, the baby came and, of course, things changed. The kicker came when we rented a mountain cabin for a ski vacation together. I hurt my knee so didn't ski - and was stuck in a small cabin with a toddler! Three days, stuck with a toddler! To say my patience was stretched is mild. During a conversation on our last evening they pressed us about if we were going to start a family and I replied unequivocally NO - kids weren't for me, etc. etc.

A few days later I received a phone call from the husband. In rather terse words he stated that "he and (wife) had decided they needed to start hanging out with people who shared their family values." They also expressed it made them uncomfortable to hear about all the fancy vacations and other things they couldn't do any more, so they "needed to be with other families who had the same kind of responsibilities and life." He then told me that they had decided they didn't want to associate with us any more!

To say I was devestated was putting it mildly. So, having people stop 'associating' with you because of a no kids decision is possible.

On_a_Roll, I totally get your position. I remember those years as very, very difficult. My tongue still has scars from being bitten Luckily, my best friend in the world has also remained child free, so I have a kindred spirit to vent to. But hang in there! It gets a bit better the older you get. Of course, eventually we'll have the 'cute grandkids stories' to look forward too... sigh.

Karen

Stryker, hang in there, that's all I can say. As a single, I'm pretty much used to saying goodbye to my friends once they're married because priorities just change and you just don't get to see them anymore. When they have children, it's like a nail in the coffin and funeral to the good times. Sad, isn't it, that what should be good news ends up being a harbinger of farewells for me? Anyway, she may have been in a bad moment when she received your text (and remember how tone and context can get lost in non-verbal communication) and after that, things may have just taken off for her in her own life. Every single second of her life is now permanently altered by this change and will be forever. It may be that, after time, she will reach out to you again. Be the better person, keep her in your thoughts, and remain open if you still truely want her friendship. She'll either come to you or she won't. That's been my experience, anyway. My heart goes out to you, though, and I wish you the best of luck.

KarenMR ~~ "stuck in a cabin for three days with a toddler"...OMG!! I would have rather slit my throat. How could the 'friends' have done that to you? It was their choice to bring the kid on an adult vacation ~ they should have taken turns looking after the li'l dalin'.

You should have crawled to the lounge and 'downed' a few to kill the pain . Anything, but being cooped up like a common criminal with li'l snotley.

"he and (wife) had decided they needed to start hanging out with people who shared their family values."

Wow, that's messed up!

I agree. What a slap in the face!

Hey Stryker I feel for you.

I think if you value the friendship forgo the text and actually give her a call. Just because you choose to be childless doesn't make you any less of a friend.

Let's say it was another situation and you'd just heard two people going on about their breakups and then you unkowingly made a comment when your friend text you about another breakup...patience wears thin right? Being a sarcastic person myself, I find even people I'm close to jump to conclusions as to how i'll act in situations..they are always wrong!

I don't have kids, but then I don't mind talking to the Preggo's either. That's what being a friends about support them in thier choice when times are tough, the same way you'd want them to support you in a major life issue.

However once kids start screaming in the background...another story.

KarenMR..that is absolutly horrible. You don't have family values because you don't want kids? It sounds like it was more their issues with you being able to afford a different lifestyle than anything.

Thanks everyone for the kind comments. It happened 18 years, but I still wince when I think of it.

Thanks so much everyone for your posts! I was feeling like there is something wrong with me because I am almost 30 and don't have kids and am not sure if I want any. It seems like everyone at work is getting pregnant and I see pregnant women everywhere I go. It makes me uncomfortable for some reason. I have been married for almost 4 years and my husband and I have been together for almost 10. We live in a beautiful city, have great jobs, work out all the time, have lots of hobbies we enjoy and thoroughly enjoy spending time together. We have done so much traveling since we met and always have so much fun together. Sometimes we still act like we're newlyweds. We're not sure if we're afraid of commitment or if we just don't want to share our lives with another person. People I talk to laugh and look at me kind of strangely when I tell them what I really want is to adopt a dog! But I am serious. Also, i am so scared to have my body change in such a drastic way. It's so refreshing and comforting to read posts from people that choose not to have children. I also cringe at the sound of crying children; i'm not sure if i have the patience! I think I am feeling rushed to make a decision because I am almost 30. I feel like people look at you like something is wrong with you if you have been married for a while and don't have children. I guess i have been feeling left out because all that people talk about at work is their children, or being pregnant!